


Respite

by WaterlilyRose



Series: Respite [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Books, Character Study, Depression, F/M, Forbidden Love, Hurt/Comfort, I couldn't hold this in any longer, Mental Health Issues, Slow Burn, Teacher-Student Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-05
Updated: 2017-08-11
Packaged: 2018-09-15 00:42:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 58,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9212123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WaterlilyRose/pseuds/WaterlilyRose
Summary: Ren had heard all the warnings. Taken all the relevant classes. Been through all the background checks. It was part and parcel of becoming a teacher apparently.He'd sat at the back of the classroom, trying not to roll his eyes, as a woman with all the charm of a serial killer droned on about codes of conduct, red flags and how temptation could destroy the most promising career. Teenagers were to be treated like a different species if Ren or any of his fellow teachers were to maintain a happy life.He'd been twenty-four, hot on the heels of pursuing a Masters degree in English and fresh out of his anger management courses at the insistence of his mother. He felt calm and confident. Almost cocky. The idea that he would piss away his entire life for the sake of some doe-eyed teenager twirling her hair was almost laughable.Six years later, he would be wiser. Six years later, he would find out temptation weren't short skirts and batted eyelashes. It was in the form of hazel eyes, an eager mind and a smile that could soothe the ice burn on even Ren's soul.





	1. O n e

**Author's Note:**

> Hello. 
> 
> I must be mad but I've been planning this since August and sometimes you just have to let a story out. This is a teacher/student universe with a twist as it also explores some issues that are very close to my heart. This will also explore the vulnerability in Kylo that I connected with the minute he came on screen over a year ago. But more about that later...
> 
> For those who are wondering, this is set in a British education system, where you can get the qualifications to go to university either in school or in a college. Kylo is teaching at a college such as that. 
> 
> I'm considering getting a Tumblr account but I'm still not sure. Seems to be a lot of arguments on there and I'm really not into that. But a lot of readers are on there so... I will update when I decide. 
> 
> I hope this is okay.

 

Kylo opened his wardrobe and peered in at the clothes hanging on the right side. His work clothes.

 

Phasma had been emphatic that he had to go shopping for new clothes this term that held at least some form of colour. His all-black ensemble was a bit much apparently.

 

( _“Take that giant trust fund you loathe so much and go and buy something that isn’t black. I’m not having you stalking about the corridors like bloody Severus Snape.”)_

 

Taking fashion advice from Phasma, a woman who seemed to live in silver tops and dresses and was referred to as The Captain by the students, was not lost on him but she had the potential to make his life very difficult if he didn’t.

 

He’d been clever though. Phasma hadn’t specified _what_ colour to buy. So he was now looking at a range of clothes in shades of black (he wasn’t giving it up altogether), grey, navy blue and swamp green.

 

If she thought he was going to teaching English Literature to disinterested youths wearing canary yellow, she could go spin.

 

Taking out a navy blue shirt, black slacks and a grey cable jumper, he hung them on the wardrobe door ready for the morning.

 

He was glad to be going back to work. Unlike most of the staff, he hated the summer holidays. The concept of having nothing to pass the time with and no marking wasn’t a pleasant one. He had quickly learnt that routine gave him purpose. When he was alone with his own thoughts, things generally fell apart.

 

Kylo knew that technically being a college professor trying to get kids to University was a bit of a waste of his skills. He was good at what he did. Brilliant even. A fanatical reader, he’d earned a Doctorate in English Literature two years back. The works of Dickens, the Bronte sisters, Austen and other British classics had gotten him to the other side of a dark and terrifying corridor of despair. He’d written his thesis and submitted papers to academic journals in his spare time to make sure idleness didn’t claim him. Phasma didn’t nag him about over working anymore. Because he didn’t listen and he was the best teacher she had on her staff. She couldn’t afford to piss him off too much.

 

There would be a new addition to his outfit this term: a pair of spectacles.

 

He’d worn contacts for about eight years but a recent eye test came with the advice to maybe lay off wearing them everyday to let his eyes breathe. He didn’t mind; they looked pretty decent on his face and Ren had lived with his angular features long enough to know very little could make them worse.

 

Who cares? The last thing he gave a shit about was looking desirable while working with teenagers. Okay, some were nearly eighteen but they was still fucking kids in his eyes.

 

Clothes ready. Alarm set. Briefcase packed. Lunch in a Tupperware in the fridge. All ready.

 

Now the hard part: with nothing to do, he had to make his own entertainment. And Kylo wasn’t good at that.

 

Time alone means time to think and Kylo was definitely not good at that.

 

Couldn’t watch the TV. He didn’t have a Netflix account and he didn’t own a TV to flip through channels. Besides TV was evil.

 

Browsing the internet was boring and he avoided social media like the Ebola virus.

 

He could read. But he didn’t have the head for a brand new book tonight. Besides, which one? People with a to-read pile were adorable – there was an entire bookcase in the corner of his bedroom with books he needed to read. Picking a book would be a task in itself.

 

He’d showered so no point doing that again.

 

Pills for the day… all taken.

 

Sighing, he went to his other bookcase of his read books (the one that took up a wall that eight foot high and ten foot across) and browsed some classics. He’d never struggled re-reading books.

 

Taking a weather-beaten copy of _Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas_ , he went to the sofa and got comfortable.

 

He was about to start when his phone rang. Sighing, he picked his phone up. And seeing the caller put it back down again.

 

Mom calling…

 

Not tonight. He didn’t have the wherewithal for her tonight. It hadn’t been a bad day but he had to have a pretty damn decent one to manage a phone-call from America. And he didn’t ever pick up on a rare good one. Because that was the quickest possible way to bring it to an abrupt end.

 

He couldn’t end the call as she would know he was avoiding her. As soon as the call ended, Ben breathed a sigh of relief. Only to have a voicemail message pop up.

 

He could delete it. He wanted to. But he put it to his ear and listened anyway.

 

“ _Ben… it’s Mom. I’m just checking as its… well, it’s been a while since we talked. I just wanted to hear your voice. Are you there? No, you’re probably… well, I’ll try again tomorrow. Love you… bye.”_

 

He should have deleted it. He really should have. The words were not so bad but the tone…

 

Why did she always sound so defeated when she called him? She was a strong speaker, her job depended on it, and it’s not like he was… well, important.

 

He knew why. But he didn’t want to.

 

_She had her chance. You were nothing to her then. Nothing._

 

Throwing the book at the wall with a yell, Kylo clenched his knuckles. Desperate times.

 

His gym bag was always packed and ready at a moments notice. A lesson he’d learnt in the army was preparation which explained his ritual every night to check off everything that needed to be done. There was a 24-hour gym down the road from him. The welcome burn of muscles pushed to their limits would be a good comfort.

 

Still, it achieved one thing Kylo mused as he grabbed his keys: I couldn’t care less about work tomorrow now.

 

* * *

 

Kylo entered D’Qar College early to avoid the rush. His office was situated not far from his classroom and he had barely put the kettle on to boil when there was a knock on his door.

 

Phasma was stood in the door, all eleven foot of her, and her eyes raised at Kylo’s attire.

 

“You said no black. You didn’t specify no grey or navy.” Kylo pointed out.

 

“Hmmm.” Phasma didn’t look surprised. “Well, I wasn’t expecting miracles.”

 

“Thank God, you’ll be disappointed working here otherwise.”

 

Phasma gestured to his glasses. “Those are new.”

 

Kylo pushed them up his nose. “Downside of middle-age.”

 

“Middle-age? You’re only thirty.”

 

“And most of our students would considered that ancient indeed.”

 

“You’ll be in the gymnasium for the opening day greeting?”

 

“If I must.” Kylo sighed pouring himself some coffee.

 

“Yes. You must.”

 

As a boss, Phasma was a good one. She generally left the teaching plan and his style of which to Kylo’s discretion. He could get results out of the students which helped hit targets and got the college the funding they needed to prosper. She was however immovable in some aspects. Mainly that Kylo needed to wear more colour and be more sociable.

 

“Have the list of pupils been sorted yet?” He asked blandly.

 

“Being drafted today. You’ll take the lower tier that needs a bit more help.”

 

“One of these days you’ll let me near the real contenders.” He sighed.

 

“Your job is to turn the people who have potential but otherwise struggle a bit into real contenders. There’s a reason I put up with your anti-social demeanour and that’s because you are good at what you do.”

 

“But Mitaka always gets the better class. And he can hardly cope with them.”

 

“You’re right he can’t. Which is why he’s left.” Kylo looked up in surprise. “The stress was too much in the end. He’s gone to the country with his family. I don’t think London is suited for him.”

 

Mitaka, a nervous and perpetually shaking man had been the other teacher at D’Qar College in charge of the English department. He didn’t have the strongest set of nerves and always tended to start twitching if Kylo raised his voice at him. He shouldn’t have taken it personally; Kylo raised his voice at most people.

 

“Well who’s replacing him?” Kylo asked.

 

“Korr Sella. She’s been looking to get out of the IT department for a while.” Phasma supplied.

 

Kylo shrugged. He didn’t really know her past spotting her in the corridor but she seemed serious and professional. She’ll do.

 

Kylo didn’t come to work to make friends. He just wish that to the rest of the world that wouldn’t be viewed as an almost criminal offence.

 

Phasma left him alone in his office and he had at least an hour before the lessons started when there was a knock.

 

He looked up.

 

A girl was stood in the doorway and not one he had seen before. She looked very young with brown hair pulled back in the most bizarre three bun up-do he’d ever seen. She wore an old battered brown jacket, a jumper and holey jeans with scuffed converse. There was nothing artificial or practised about the haphazard and thrown together look she wore, Kylo knew instantly: this was just who she was.

 

“Excuse me, are you the Head of the English department?” She asked. Her accent sounded local. Local to London anyway. It was quite a nice accent.

 

“I am. I’m Doctor Ren.” He replied.

 

“Oh, good. I’m a bit new here and I just want to know where my classes are.” She stuck out a hand so quickly, Kylo couldn’t help but lean back a little. “I’m Rey Kanata.”

 

Kylo looked at the little hand on offer. He didn’t like personal contact and avoided it when he could. Yet he numbly took hers, albeit gingerly, and gave it a quick shake.

 

She didn’t seem perturbed by his odd response.

 

“Right, well, do you have the sheet they give out at reception?” Kylo asked.

 

She presented it proudly. He took it and glanced down. Then back up and back down again.

 

It was an odd list of classes to take for A-Levels. English Literature was one of them but they were alongside Mechanics and Aerospace Engineering. Not your standard list of subjects for a young woman.

 

“Ah right, well, you’ll need to be in the welcoming day meeting in the gymnasium at nine o’clock just to hear all that the college provides and then your new timetables will be assigned. It will either be me or Korr Sella teaching you English Lit.” He handed back the sheet.

 

“So you’re a Doctor. You have a doctorate in English Literature?” She sounded impressed.

 

“I do.” He said tonelessly. It wasn’t something he used for bragging rights.

 

“That’s impressive.” She commented. Her eyes scanned the bookcase that ran the length of the room on one side of his office. It was stacked almost to bursting with books. There was a look of awe and envy in her eyes. Hazel eyes, Kylo noted.

 

“It’s a feather in my bow of sorts.” Kylo shrugged. It sounded more confident that Ren intended. Almost bordering on arrogant. Rey raised her eyebrows but didn’t comment.

 

“Well, I guess I will see you around then.” She shrugged and turned before he had a chance to reply. He watched her walk down the corridor from his position.

 

Kylo rarely made a good impression on people. It rarely bothered him. But there were times, like this one, when he wished it wasn’t always so hard.

 

* * *

 

Kylo entered the gymnasium with all the enthusiasm of a man mounting a scaffold. The hall was filled with noise and hundreds of youths. Some he recognised, some he didn’t.

 

He spotted the other teaching bodies of the college. Korr Sella was standing near Phasma, looking smart and serious like she was preparing for an army mission. She was a pretty woman but didn’t appear aware of it. Her dark skin was smooth and her black hair tied back out of the way. She seemed like a woman who could handle herself. He’d never seen her running out of a classroom in pieces. Which is more than could be said for Mitaka.

 

He also saw Poe Dameron, the aerospace engineer, and promptly rolled his eyes.

 

He had never liked Dameron. Mainly because Dameron was everything he wasn’t: easy with people, charming, wanted to be liked. They had butted heads enough times for them to avoid one another when possible. That didn’t stop Dameron scoffing at Ren’s work ethic and hard to please persona. And that didn’t stop Kylo wincing whenever Dameron tried to get on a one-to-one level with the students and insisted they called him Poe.

 

They weren’t here to make friends; they were here to teach.

 

Phasma called the group to attention and started her talk.

 

Kylo had heard this welcoming speech at least twenty times in his life and tuned out for the unimportant bits. His eyes browsed the stands of students instead. He caught sight of the Kanata girl standing with a boy about her age, exactly her height with dark skin and a soft face. Maybe her boyfriend, he mused.

 

The boy was paying general attention to Phasma’s talk as were most of the students but the girl with the three buns was clearly listening intently. Like she wanted to suck as much information as was possible.

 

Kylo felt oddly impressed. Most teenagers these days had the attention span of gnat. The girl, who was clearly bright, also had drive.

 

For the first time, Kylo was eager to get his hands on the list of students. He wanted this girl in his class.

 

Himself and Korr Sella were introduced as the English tutors (Kylo gave a nod of acknowledgement and Sella did much the same) and Call-me-Poe was introduced while flashing his smile.

 

For fuck sake, this isn’t _Blind Date_ , Kylo thought bitterly.

 

Phasma finished the talk and the crowd dispersed. Ren wandered back to his office without stopping to talk to anyone.

 

It was around ten o’clock when an email popped through his computer with all the students in his class.

 

He scanned it.

 

She wasn’t there. Shit.

 

Sighing, he shrugged to himself. Oh well, Sella needed at least one good pupil in her class. It was her first year after all.

 

* * *

 

Kylo approached his classroom at two o’clock just as Sella’s class was filing out of the room. Sella gave Ren a deferential nod as she walked past which he returned. Nodding to people was his preferred method of communicating respect. Maybe Phasma had given her a heads up.

 

The last person to leave was the three-bunned Kanata girl. She was stuffing more books into her satchel than it appeared she could fit and was too preoccupied to see him. Causing her to bump right into his broad chest.

 

Kylo stepped back a little but didn’t really feel much impact. In contrast to the girl who stumbled back and promptly tripped over her own feet.

 

She would have fallen onto her bum had Ren not instinctively caught hold of her wrist to steady her.

 

“Whoa, easy!” He said. It sounded more like he was reassuring a horse than a woman. No matter.

 

“Oh! I’m sorry- Oh! Doctor Ren.” The girl looked up at him, clearly expecting her saviour to be someone, anyone, else but him.

 

Kylo looked at the girl. She was closer for inspection now than she had been before. Her face was quite freckled and Kylo could see no visible signs of make-up. She was literally fresh-faced. That surprised him. Normally most students plastered themselves in cosmetics causing him to find it difficult to look away from the foundation line that was always apparent around their face.

 

Noticing he was still holding her wrist, he promptly let go. That was twice he’d made skin contact today.

 

“I trust your class went well?” He asked, eager to bring it back to an academic level.

 

“Really good, thanks. Miss Sella seems nice.” Rey looked down at her feet, looking a bit awkward. Probably heard that he was many things but rarely nice.

 

“Sounds promising.” Kylo noted. “Let’s hope you meet the college’s expectations with the course.”

 

Again it came out harsher than he’d intended. She looked up at him again promptly.

 

“I’m here to learn. So I intend to surpass expectations.”

  
There was a proud tilt to her head and a challenging gleam in her eye.

 

“Then you should do swimmingly.” He quipped.

 

Rey opened her mouth again when someone called her name.

 

“Rey! You coming?” It was the boy from the gymnasium. He had clearly come to get her from class. “Aerospace have printed off our syllabus.”

 

“Coming, Finn.” She called. She turned back to Kylo. “Well, bye Doctor. And sorry.”

 

She scurried off with her friend/boyfriend before he had a chance to say anything else.

 

Kylo watched her go. He flexed his hand that had touched hers twice in one day and went into the empty classroom to prepare his lesson.


	2. T w o

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. 
> 
> Thank you all so much for your lovely support once again. It means the absolute world to me. I run to my phone when I get an email: it might be a comment! I've also decided to give the whole Tumblr thing a go so https://waterlilyrose.tumblr.com/ is my site. I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing so don't expect miracles. I'm gonna try it and see how it goes. 
> 
> And for those interested, yes I totally modelled Kylo on Paul Sevier. Because Adam Driver in glasses looking nerdy makes me weak.
> 
> Potential spoilers for certain Jane Austen novels in this chapter.
> 
> Enjoy!

 

The class that Kylo taught that afternoon was uneventful and as unfulfilling as he had anticipated. His teaching style was as precise as ever and he made sure that to instil enough fear that no students dared try and sneak their phone out to check their Tumblr account during his lessons. Yet it all still felt like his words were going over their head all the same.

 

It never hurt his feelings but it did frustrate him. English Literature could be an amazing thing if done right and studying it sometimes didn’t even feel like work. Why would they want to send tweets instead of studying the words of the Dickens?

 

But then again, Kylo had accepted a long time ago that he wasn’t like other people.

 

The day ended with him finishing up some paperwork in his office before locking the door and leaving at five o’clock. A feeling of dread rose up within him about having to go home and find something to do when his phone vibrated in his pocket.

 

He took it out. It was a text message from Hux.

 

**Meet for drink at The First Order. Be there in half an hour.**

 

There was no request or discussion as to whether Kylo was free. Hux probably wasn’t interested anyway.

 

* * *

 

The First Order was an exclusive bar not too far from where Kylo lived. It was filled with black and white interior and was as cold and sterile as the people they served. Mostly lawyers and business men. And Hux.

 

The red haired man was sat at the bar, nursing a scotch and glaring down at it like it had done him an injustice, when Kylo entered. In his dark yet academic dress, he stood out starkly from the polished and suited clientele. Standing at six foot three and broadly built, however, no one was in the mood to ask in a snooty tone if they could help him. Kylo noted that he seemed to give off an air of affluence even now. He despised it but had come to tolerate it.

 

“Bad day?” He asked, taking a seat beside Hux. His red-hair companion barely glanced away from his drink.

 

“Terrible. We lost the case against Rebel Hope.”

 

Kylo nodded. He wasn’t surprised. Rebel Hope was an environmental group who had a tendency to get themselves between any projects that Hux was keen to support. A group had recently been caught trespassing and Hux had voiced his hopes that he could put them behind bars at long last. Sadly, it seemed that Hux would have to continue dealing with them.

 

Kylo gave his order to the bartender and turned his attention back to his sulking friend.

 

“At least their cases keep you in a good lifestyle.”

 

“That’s not the point!” Hux growled. “We have the potential to make real progress if they would just leave us try. With them still out there...” Hux closed his eyes as though it was a future not worth thinking about.

 

“You’ll be fine.” Kylo dismissed. His sympathy for these things was always limited. Mainly because he didn’t care. “Just go over to Phasma’s afterwards and let your girlfriend soothe the worries I can’t be bothered to.”

 

Hux looked at Kylo properly for the first time.

 

“Phasma’s not my girlfriend.”

 

“Did you wake up at hers this morning?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Do you intend to wake up at hers tomorrow?”

 

“...Might do.”

 

“Then get over yourself. You have a girlfriend.”

 

Hux snorted as though in derision or maybe disbelief.

 

“So what about you? How are this years aspiring English teachers?”

 

“Too busy updating Snapchat to care about prose.” Kylo said bitterly and taking a deep drink of his whiskey. He tended not to drink but when he did, he stuck to spirits. It did the job in half the time.

 

“You expect too much. No students learn for the pleasure anymore; it’s just so they can get into uni and escape their parents for three years.”

 

“Then they should take Media Studies or something and stop wasting my time.” Kylo growled.

 

The two men sat in a companionable silence as they brooded over the injustices of their work.

 

Hux was… Kylo mused that by modern standards he wasn’t a conventional best friend. There were times where he didn’t like Hux and times when Hux didn’t like Kylo. They fought about everything and the brief time they had shared a flat together after their army training had been horrific. It hadn’t helped that Hux owned Millicent, a fat ginger cat who hated people even more than her owner. He was certain to this day that the cat had pissed on his bed sheets for six months straight on purpose. And yet, Hux was the only friend, apart from Phasma, that he managed to keep. Hux knew about his… quirks and odd moods and didn’t seem to care. The most he got was an unimpressed eyebrow raise from him. Maybe it was lack of other options but Hux never avoided him and that meant a lot. Though Kylo would rather undergo torture than admit it to Hux.

 

* * *

 

Kylo arrived back at his apartment at about seven o’clock. His building was in a nice quiet part of the area. A Victorian style town-house with his flat located on the top floor, he accepted that he was fortunate to live there. Not many people on the salary he brought in from the college could afford to live in the basement there. But he didn’t work for money; he did it for the passion of it.

 

He had money. A lot of money. His grandfather had left him a trust-fund with enough money that realistically he didn’t even have to work if he was sensible or chose not to. It had been revealed to him on his eighteenth birthday so he had never grown up with the expectation of it. He had even ignored it for a while for lack of knowing what to do with it. He had also been paranoid that his parents were using it as bait for him to take.

 

Eventually he had realised that ignoring it would make little difference to it being there and had been unable to resist buying the flat upfront when he had viewed it for the first time. It was a good home with a short distance from work and secluded enough that he didn’t have to speak to anyone if he didn’t choose to. He also felt better to continue working himself into the ground. It made him feel more comfortable with his situation.

 

Putting some pasta on to boil, he mused about his grandfather.

 

They had never met with Vader dying before Kylo was born but he knew all about his infamous grandfather. About his political legacy. About his personal battles. And about the other legacy he may had inadvertently left his grandson.

 

Kylo stirred the spaghetti in the pot listlessly. He was one of the few people in the world that had a sympathy for his grandfather.

 

He kept his mobile turned off that night. He wouldn’t turn it back on for a long time.

 

* * *

 

Kylo breathed in the scent of the library like his favourite cologne. One of the disadvantages of his office was that the college library was on the other side of the campus so he rarely got the time to come in and just work. Hiding away in the stacks always helped his creativity and his productivity.

 

Finding a table between the history section, he booted up his laptop and set his flask of coffee next to it. A flash of movement caught his eye and he looked up towards the computer section.

 

The back of her head was all he could see but he would recognise those three buns anywhere.

 

Kylo blinked and looked at the time on his laptop. 8:00am. What on Earth was she doing here so early?

 

Feeling a little nosey, he tilted his head to look at the computer screen. Half expecting to see her browsing Facebook.

 

There was an academic journal on the screen and two hardbacks sitting open next to her keyboard. She seemed engrossed in her work.

 

Kylo forced his eyes back down. A student taking such an interest in their work was lovely but not amazing. It did happen.

 

He stared at the screen of his blank word document and closed his eyes.

 

_Just tell me where to start. Please!_

 

He had wanted to do this for years. To sit down and let his ideas find a place on the screen. When he was doing other things, like marking papers and reading other books, it felt like his ideas were going to burst out of him. Yet when the paper was put in front of him, no words were good enough. So no words were written.

 

It was one of the things that Kylo hated most of all in his life. If he could get just one page done, it would help him sleep. And he would love a night’s sleep that didn’t depend on a combination of Horlicks and medication.

 

The plot and the characters had been doing battle in his head since he was twenty-three. He closed his eyes and he could see them. He closed his ears and he could hear them. They were part of him. But a part of him he wanted to get rid of. Because then he could work on himself and have a chance of success.

 

But the idea of giving them a plot and a location that was sub-par… no, he’d rather they battle it out with laser-swords in his head for the rest of eternity.

 

For lack of anything else to do, he began to type up more of his classroom syllabus when he was interrupted.

 

“Dr Ren?”

 

He looked up. The Kanata girl was standing not three feet away, clutching a notebook like a shield.

 

“Good morning.” He replied, assuming she had greeted him to mainly be polite.

 

“Sorry, I don’t mean to interrupt...” Maybe not then. “It’s just… are you busy?”

 

I wish. “Not especially. What can I do for you?”

 

“I’m doing a report for my English Lit class.” She explained. “And I’m just wondering if you could take a quick look? Just to see if I’ve got it right?”

 

She held out some notes for him to take.

 

He didn’t reach forward.

 

“Wouldn’t it be more prudent to have Miss Sella take a look? She is the one who set the assignment after all?”

 

Rey shrugged. “You are both English tutors. Surely you can tell me if it’s rubbish?”

 

“I doubt its rubbish Miss Kanata. But I would recommend you give it to Miss Sella over me.” It was almost notorious that Kylo was a much harsher teacher than his contemporaries.

 

The Rey girl withdrew the paper that was offered and looked down at it. As though torn between disappointment and irritation.

 

“Fine. I’ll carry on without help.” She muttered and turned away from him, stalking back to her computer.

 

Kylo tried to turn back to his own project but his eyes kept darting back to the girl who was now furiously scribbling. She seemed pissed. He had a natural talent for it evidently.

 

Sighing, he closed his laptop and packed it away. He wasn’t going to get any work done; he’d been kidding himself.

 

He went to walk away but something prompted him to move towards the computer area.

 

“What is the book you are working on?” He asked, sounding put-upon even to his own ears.

 

Rey whipped around and stared at him wide-eyed for a moment before jumping on his help.

 

“Miss Sella has asked us to analyse a Jane Austen classic and write an essay on a recurring theme.”

 

Kylo nodded. Sounded promising.

 

“It take it you chose _Pride And Prejudice_ then?” He liked the book and had read it a few times but it was a bit predictable to base an essay on.

 

“No! That’s what half the class are doing.” She dismissed. “I’m doing it on _Sense and Sensibility._ Much better and funnier.”

 

Kylo blinked. That was unusual. Not only for a student to go against the grain, but also speak a differing opinion to the norm. The norm being that Pride And Prejudice was the best Austen book hands down.

 

“Right. Well, what do you like about it?” Test the waters a bit.

 

“Well, there’s romance obviously. Hardships when they have to leave their family home. Horrible snooty relatives. A strong and sensible lead in Eleanor and a hopeless almost ridiculous romantic in Marianne. And the girls get happy endings even if one of them doesn’t end up with who they imagined.”

 

Rey listed these qualities off with an easy flair and passion of someone who knew what they were talking about. She hadn’t just read the book; she’d devoured it.

 

Kylo took a step back. “Well, you seem to have a good grasp on the material. My help is clearly not needed. Continue what you were doing, Miss Kanata.”

 

Kylo was eager to beat a swift retreat when she called out. “What about you? What’s your favourite Austen book?”

 

Her hazel eyes were alive. Like she had a genuine hunger to know. He couldn’t help but feed that hunger.

 

“ _Persuasion._ ”

 

Rey blinked. “Really? I thought most academics liked _Emma?”_

 

“Maybe most do but I don’t.”

 

“Why do you like it?” Rey pressed.

 

He clearly wasn’t going to be able to leave before he’d stated his argument. “It’s a story about people rectifying mistakes. Anne knows she made a mistake rejecting Captain Wentworth but throughout the book she maintains a calm composure and proves her worth to him all over again. I think we can all relate to that: wanting a chance to right a great wrong.”

 

Kylo shut his mouth abruptly and glanced down at the girl. She was looking up at him. Her eyes were smiling.

 

“Exactly.” She said quite softly.

 

Kylo pulled away abruptly. “Write the essay and inquire to Miss Sella for help if needed. You are not in my class. Therefore I am not suitable to give an opinion.”

 

He was striding out of the library before the last sentence was even finished. Yet he knew she had heard. And he knew that she watched him leaving with wide eyes and a perplexed look.

 

* * *

 

Kylo buried himself in paperwork for the majority of the day and thankfully didn’t have a class to teach that day. He did all he could to put his discomfort and feeling of uneasiness aside. He was being stupid. The girl was bright and clearly eager to learn. It wasn’t directed at him in any way. She wanted his opinion as a teacher. She probably thought he was mad to be acting calm one minute and then terse and argumentative the next. Still, he may have to ask Phasma where she had come from… just so he had some idea of her background.

 

Korr was in the office next to his, having moved into Mitaka’s old office yesterday. Her door was partially open and he could hear a quiet soft jazz playing. He found it oddly soothing despite not listening to music much. So he also heard the phone in her office ring next door.

 

A moment later, Korr knocked his door.

 

“Dr Ren? You have a call on my line.”

 

Kylo, who didn’t have a phone in his office and relied on emails, barely looked up. “Who is it?”

 

“It’s your mother.”

 

His entire body went rigid and his fingers stopped typing.

 

“Tell her I’m not here.”

 

Korr blinked at him. “I… I’ve already said you were next door and available.”

 

Kylo clenched his fists so tight that his knuckles cracked. Mitaka had sometimes had calls but he had never attempted to pass them on. Phasma had clearly not given Sella a head’s up about that.

 

Unfolding himself slowly from his chair, he walked into Korr’s office and picked up the receiver.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Ben?” His mother’s voice was raspy yet clearly shocked that she had succeeded in contacting him. “Ben, it’s Mom.”

 

“I know who it is.” His tone was harsher than it needed to be. He was always like that when his mother rang.

 

“Oh, yes, of course. I just… wanted to see if you were okay?” Her tone was so cautious like he might spook. He was torn between screaming bloody murder for her to just leave him alone already and wanting to hushing her and speak softly. Anything to make her sound like the Leia Organa-Solo he had seen on CNN. He did neither.

 

“Is everything alright?” He asked.

 

“Oh yes, all fine. I just haven’t heard from you for….well, a while. I just like to check in. Your phone was off. I was worried.”

 

“I’m fine Mom.” And he was. He was dammit. So couldn’t she just leave him to _be_ fine?

 

“Good. That’s good.” A silence hung between them and neither had a clue how to fill it.

 

“Listen, I’m a bit busy at the moment...” Kylo volunteered.

 

“Oh! Yes, yes, of course. Sorry to disturb you, just… keep in touch, okay Ben?”

 

“Yes Mom.”

 

“I love you.”

 

“You too.” He choked. Returning the sentiment was the best he could do. Saying the words… hurt too much.

 

He bid her goodbye and put the receiver down. He was aware of a sheen of sweat trickling down his neck.

 

“Don’t ever say I’m available again. Do you hear me? EVER!” He barked in Korr Sella’s direction. He didn’t look at her as he barrelled past her back into his office and locked the door. He promptly grabbed several books and threw them at the wall.

 

Trembling, a side of his brain called out: No! No, you can control this! The drawer!

 

Wrenching it open so hard, the drawer actually came out of the desk, he grabbed what he was looking for: Diazepam 10mg.

 

He didn’t like taking it but it was an emergency. It was mainly for panic attacks but rage induced fits could be helped too.

 

Gulping one, he sat in his chair and gripped it.

 

He was fine. Fine. So why couldn’t the world let him thrive?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think? Kudos and comments are my joy!


	3. T h r e e

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys. 
> 
> I'm so touched by how many people have taken to this idea. Your words of praise mean so much to me and I thank you deeply. 
> 
> The Kylo I have written is based on the outburst I saw on the screen in TFA and also from my own experiences. So yes, I am writing as myself at times though I try to keep him as in character as possible. 
> 
> A massive thank you to ReyloRobin2011 who made a beautiful aesthetic for the last chapter. It's in my previous chapter if you would like a look but here's the link so give her love: http://reylorobyn2011.tumblr.com/post/155716631500/i-made-this-for-waterlilyrose-for-my-newest 
> 
> Hope you like this one too.

 

The days that passed following the unfortunate phone-call were blended together like a smoothie in Kylo’s mind. The drugs did their work, calming him and making him feel even slightly out of body, but he also felt a lead weight settle in his bones. Taking additional medication on top of what he already took was never a pleasant experience as it made him lethargic and his brain slowed down to the point of sluggishness. Concentrating was near impossible. The final straw was when he opened an email and had to re-read it three times before it made any sense. He shoved the pack of Diazepam back into the drawer. It was good for emergencies but he couldn’t live on it. He had his regular prescription of Sertraline: that helped him keep an even footing.

 

The worst thing about that episode was that Korr must have confided in another teacher who subsequently had no qualms telling the others about it. The other faculty members were being either extra nice to him or avoiding him for lack of anything else to do. Phasma did what she always did and refused to treat Kylo any differently than usual. It was one of those times when Kylo was just grateful that she was not only his boss but also a friend. She knew the score by now. She knew that once it was all over, he wanted to forget it ever happen.

 

The shame was probably on the same level as the attacks and bouts of instability. Once he was functioning correctly and his brain had stopped playing tricks on him, he looked back at his previous actions with an embarrassed and mortified eye. The smashed objects were cleared away and he put everything back in its place as though nothing happened. But something had happened and when there were witnesses, it was impossible to forget.

 

People never said anything but he knew. Their eyes always spoke when their mouth stayed shut. The looks of confusion, fear, concern and the ever-present judgement. Because, even subconsciously, people would ask ‘But your life is good. Everything is fine. Why can’t you just enjoy it? Why can’t you relax? Why can’t you be normal?’ with a mere stare.

 

Kylo didn’t know why he couldn’t be happy. He would love to be. But he couldn’t and therefore the cautious offerings in the staffroom over whether he would like a cup of coffee or if he had any plans for the weekend were unbearable. The averted eyes of other members even more so. It was when Dameron asked if he wanted a Krispy Kreme doughnut from the box he’d bought in that he had to leave.

 

The experience was awful. But sometimes remembering was even worse.

 

* * *

 

Kylo woke up early on Saturday morning with an air of determination. He’d been so weary that every night that week he’d come home, collapsed onto the sofa and alternated between fitful bouts of sleep and staring at the bookcase, seeing nothing. Today, he had to get moving. Today, he had to try and break a cycle that was too tempting and too dangerous.

 

Dressing himself in his customary black (fuck Phasma, it was his day off) and popping some contacts in, he changed into his baggiest sweat clothes and went out for a run.

 

The sky was grey and there was a faint drizzle that whipped at his face as his feet beat the pavement. By the time he was jogging through Ileenium Park, he felt like himself a little bit more than he’d managed in days. He liked this: the mindless adrenaline and pleasant endorphins that exercise inspired. It was finding the motivation to move at all when he wasn’t in a good way that was the hard bit.

 

Half an hour later and feeling slightly sore and sweaty, Kylo found himself back on the streets that led back to his apartment. Feeling better and a little windswept, he decided that a coffee would be a welcome improvement. Walking the streets, he spotted a Starbucks but could see the queue from his position a street away. He didn’t want to be too close to people yet.

 

Turning down Takodana Street, he walked until he spotted a cafe. It was a large establishment and looked like it was older than him. Or maybe even his father. The sign proclaimed it ‘Maz’s Palace’. It looked the furthest thing from a palace that Kylo had ever seen. And yet, Kylo stepped inside nonetheless.

 

The interior proved just as old and worn as the outside and Kylo looked about him. It was crowded for a Saturday morning but had enough booths empty for Kylo to have a coffee in peace and there was no shouting for a ‘Skinny Latte, extra shot, hold the caramel!’ to be heard.

 

“You gonna sit down, Sugar?”

 

Kylo looked around. And then down. Staring up at him was the tiniest woman he had ever seen. Dressed in dungarees, a cap that hid any hair and with spectacles that covered half her face, she still had the air of a woman who commanded respect.

 

“Uh, I was just looking round.” Kylo mumbled.

 

“You come in for something?”

 

“Just a coffee.”

 

“Well, there’s an empty booth over there.” She pointed to one by the window. “I’ll have someone take your order.” And with that, she strode off as though the matter was settled.

 

Feeling obligated in a sense to sit down yet oddly rebellious, he sat instead in the corner of cafe. It was the furthest from the window he could get.

 

Keeping his head down, he glanced at the menu for lack of anything else to do.

 

“Hi, can I take your order?”

 

Kylo’s eyes darted up. And promptly back down.

 

Rey was standing beside his table with her notebook poised to take his order. She was his waitress. Because apparently this week hadn’t been unfair enough(!)

 

“Just a white coffee please.” He asked.

 

He heard the scratch of a pencil. “Anything else? You want any breakfast?”

 

“No. Nothing thanks.”

 

“You sure?”

 

“Fine, thank you.” Kylo handed his menu promptly to stop this conversation and make her go away. He then made the mistake of looking up. Just as she looked at him.

 

Her eyes narrowed and then widened in recognition.

 

“Dr Ren?”

 

Kylo couldn’t think of any better response other than ‘Hmmm’.

 

Rey gave a little laugh. “Sorry, Sir, but I didn’t recognise you. You normally don’t look so… windswept.”

 

“Morning run.” He started rearranging the cutlery. He’d polish and buff the entire dinette set if he could just be left alone.

 

“Right… well, I’ll get your coffee.” And she, finally, left him alone.

 

Kylo resisted the urge to bang his head against the table but only just. He was terrible with people. Even those he liked. Not that he could say that he liked the girl. He barely knew her. They’d had three conversations and he knew nothing about her other than she was precocious and loved Jane Austen. Kylo contemplated sneaking out without being served before she could come back but she arrived with his coffee on a tray and he was quite desperate for a caffeine fix. On the tray were two slices of toast for him too.

 

“I didn’t order anything else.”

 

“Maz sent it over.” Rey explained not looking up. “She says you look like you need a good meal.” Rey’s eyes glanced at him from the side then back to the tray again. “You do look a bit peaky Doctor. Have you been ill?”

 

“No.” _You don’t get physical symptoms with what I’ve got sadly._ “No. Perfectly fine.”

 

“Just eat the toast.” Rey instructed with a firmness that she had touched on outside his classroom that day he stopped her from tripping and falling but never seen since. “If Maz declares a stranger needs to eat, then I would take that as gospel.”

 

“Who the hell is Maz anyway?” Kylo snapped, picking up his coffee but deliberately ignoring the toast. “The font of all womanly wisdom?”

 

“The owner of this cafe. And my adoptive mum.”

 

Kylo blinked and looked at Rey. Her face was hardened now. It was clear, even to someone who misread emotions all the time, that Maz was not a subject to be broached with any level of flippancy or derision. And Kylo really didn’t want this girl to despise him. He had enough enemies as it was.

 

In a sign of tired acquiescence, he picked up a slice of toast and made a show of biting into it.

 

Rey gave a nod of approval and walked off looking a lot happier. Somehow that made him feel happier too. He didn’t scrutinize why.

 

Kylo did eat the toast in its entirety and drank his coffee. It tasted better than anything he had previously had in Starbucks. He kept his eyes down throughout to avoid catching anyone’s eye but lifted his head now and again to observe Rey wiping down tables and chatting to a regular.

 

He eventually got up and handed over the money (including for the toast) to Rey at the checkout. This caused her to look a little conflicted but luckily didn’t start a fight.

 

He walked back to his apartment feeling oddly refreshed in a way running had never achieved before.

 

* * *

 

Kylo went back to his lessons on the Monday morning feeling as good as he ever did. The other members of staff were going back to how they had normally treated him and his students had started to hand in essays. Which meant it gave him something to focus on, even if that was how poor his students’ grammar skills were.

 

He took to marking in the library instead of his office. He found that he could get more into the mindset in there to critique classic work. He didn’t always see Rey but when he did, he no longer saw it as a hindrance. He never approached her but he liked having her near. Her desire to learn had a positive effect on his own mindset.

 

He was marking a woefully bad essay on why Bill Sykes was the misunderstood hero of _Oliver Twist_ when she sat down at his desk.

 

“How’s your marking going?” She asked casually.

 

“Fine. Thank you.” He slid the papers that he had finished marking out of her sight. He knew that she wasn’t in his class but she may know someone that did.

 

“I’m not going to steal your papers, Doctor.” She pointed out. Kylo felt his cheeks heating up a bit but ignored it.

 

“Can I help Miss Kanata?”

 

“Well, I hoped you would...”

 

Kylo sighed. “Miss Kanata, I’ve told you already that I can’t help you with your essays.”

 

“I don’t want help with my essays.” She dismissed, sounding a little tired of having the same argument. “I just want to talk.”

 

“About what?”

 

“Books mostly.”

 

Kylo tried to keep his face from scrunching in disbelief but probably failed. “Books?”

 

“What’s wrong with that?” She asked, definitely sounding defensive now.

 

“Nothing. Just… a bit unusual for a… how old are you?”

 

“Eighteen. Oldest in my year.” As if that made a difference.

 

“Right, well, a bit odd for an eighteen-year-old wanting to discuss the writing style of the Bronte sisters when you could be doing something ‘fun’. Like smoking in a bus shelter or whatever it is kids do today.”

 

“Number one: we’re not all delinquents. Number two: kids today? You sound about sixty.”

 

“I feel about sixty.” He muttered.

 

The truth was that Kylo had always been a bit nervous around his students outside of a classroom setting. Just like he was mistrustful of all people. It was nothing personal. But people often took it personally.

 

“It’s true I want as much help as I can.” Rey admitted. “But I think… you get what’s good about literature. You live and breathe it; I can tell.”

 

Kylo didn’t argue as what she said was true.

 

“Why don’t you talk to Sella-”

 

“Because I want to talk to you!” She snapped raising her voice before remembering where she was. “Why are you always so hard to talk to? I just want an adult discussion-”

 

“But you’re not an adult!”

 

It was the wrong thing to say. Even he knew that the worst thing to say to someone on the cusp of adulthood was to call them a child. Her face completely shut down and any good feeling that may have existed between them was clearly dead now.

 

Rey grabbed her books and got up, walking away from his table and not looking back. If she noticed Kylo staring after her, she didn’t care.

 

* * *

 

Kylo looked at the weekly pill organiser in his bathroom cabinet. Every Sunday he refilled and sorted them. Opening the Wednesday flap (tomorrow’s pills), he scrutinized his tablets.

 

Two Sertraline 50mg each. Best taken in the morning.

 

Over the counter Valerian pills. Taken before bed. He didn’t know why he bothered with those. They didn’t work. He had asked God-knows how many times for Temazepam as that had worked a treat but the doctor would not give it to him. Too high a risk. He didn’t know whether they meant the tablets or him.

 

Diazepam 10mg. Rarely taken but organised for emergencies. E.g. your mother calling you with no warning.

 

Not to mention the lifestyle changes to the side effects. Having to monitor his diet and exercise regularly to combat the weight gain the tablets inspired if you gave it half the chance. The stash of Codeine in the cupboard for the staggering headaches his swinging moods could cause. And a lifestyle without people in it. The less people around you, the less witnesses when you inevitably fall apart.

 

Sitting down on the bath, Kylo ran his fingers through his hair. He wasn’t always like this. He had good days. Days when even he forgot for five minutes that there was anything wrong at all. Days when he was confident he could cope without the pills. Which inevitably led to a relapse and days hidden away as he tried to regain his sense of identity and control.

 

A life riddled with depression mixed with an anxiety disorder and mind that just wouldn’t stop racing no matter how tired he was meant he fashioned himself as merely anti-social and cold.

 

But his past had shaped who he was. And a twenty-year impression is a harder habit to break.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be entirely about Kylo's past. 
> 
> Kudos and comments are my joy!


	4. F o u r

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. 
> 
> Thank you so much for your lovely support. This chapter was so hard to write as I found it mildly triggering at points and spent a lot of time crying as it bought back bad memories. 
> 
> I wrote it to Mattia Cupelli 'Love Lost' which didn't help my crying. It's too damn beautiful. 
> 
> My tumblr: https://waterlilyrose.tumblr.com/
> 
> WARNING: If I found it triggering to write, then some may find it too. Frank remembrances of depressed state of mind and talk of suicidal tendencies.

Ben Organa-Solo had been destined for great things. Of course he was. Because when two extraordinary people bring a child into the equation, all eyes turn on that child to rise to the same levels and show that their parents’ were capable of passing their greatness on.

 

Kylo had managed to find various articles and photos that had been plastered across the American media of his parents and him the day he was born. It was almost quite touching to see his parents looking so pleased. His mother was holding him, her hair somewhat bedraggled due to the trials of labour, and his father looked proud as punch. Baby Ben had been completely unaware of all this of course. A day old and with black feathery hair sticking out from under his blue blanket, he was content to sleep through it all.

 

Unfortunately, the stories that were sold to the world didn’t quite stack up in reality.

 

Leia Organa-Solo had been the adopted daughter of Bail and Breha Organa, a royal family from Europe who had come to America to establish a political career, and whom had picked up a baby girl in need of a steady home along the way. She had proved that excellence could indeed be passed from family member to family member by rising as a Senator and the leader of a rebellion against the current force in power along the way. Being the closest that America had to a real-life princess, she was adored and held in almost unprecedented esteem.

 

Han Solo was a man with not so illustrious a beginning but with as glamorous an end and reputation. The man who had run to the stars and came back again, he had been a RAF pilot and squadron officer with the motto: “Shoot first, think later.” It had been his means of meeting his future wife as he had been employed to rescue her with his hairy first mate Chewbacca and a boy who had grown up on an isolated farm for company. A boy who had incidently been his future brother-in-law.

 

It was a story of love and perseverance that even Kylo wouldn’t have been able to read without questioning just how many scenarios could happen all at once.

 

Ben was meant to be their shining beacon of light. A star that would burn endlessly.

 

It must have been something of a disappointment to them that their only child would grow up to question everything, develop a sometimes vicious temper and be as lanky as his parents’ were shining.

 

* * *

 

He’d stopped being taken out and shown off when his ears began to stick out at an alarming angle. His mother explained that it was so the papers couldn’t photograph him and say horrible things about him. Which translated to the young boy as so they couldn’t say horrible things about her.

 

There was nothing in his childhood that could be chalked up as traumatic. On the contrary, Ben had experienced quite a blessed childhood. They lived in a home that had the best of everything. All marble and winding staircases. Rooms without a speck of dust. A massive amount of land surrounding it and gates to keep anyone else out.

 

All delightful. All beautiful. All hollow.

 

It just meant that there was no-one else to hear his parents’ scream at each other and his father storm away for the third time in two months. They had a live-in butler, a stuttering and eternally well-meaning man called Charles, but whom reminded Ben of a cyborg. He was forever C3-PO in his head. Never outloud though – his mother didn’t need an excuse to cuff him around the head.

 

By ten-years-old, Ben had realised that maybe his moods weren’t quite what they should be. He had trouble sleeping. He found himself thinking constantly. And he was always worrying. Like had he turned off the upstairs appliances? Was he sure? Maybe he should go back and check. Ten times.

 

At first his parents didn’t seem too worried. His father, always tall, handsome and gruff, dismissed his son’s frantic brain as being ‘a worry-wort’. His mother put it down to ‘over-sensitivity’. She sometimes almost said it fondly. Like it was an endearing trait. Not that it mattered. His parents were always away. His mother trying to make the world a better place and his father… well, wherever he could hide out the longest. Han had tried the whole bonding routine with his son and all it concluded was that they were as different as night and day.

 

Ben was left to his own devices.

 

Until he was sent to boarding school at the age of 12.

 

The Institute of Outer Rim was said to be a prestigious school where young and fortunate boys could flourish and bloom into young men. Many of the sons of Leia’s contemporaries and colleagues had boys there and she had heard nothing but good things. She was eager to see her son come into his own there.

 

Because, even Ben could recognise, she was running out of ideas for him.

 

He wasn’t who he was meant to be. He wasn’t good enough. He angered too quickly. He was too tall and not strong. He was constantly nervous. He worried about everything. He wasn’t… he wasn’t normal.

 

But he knew one thing – he didn’t want to go to boarding school.

 

He argued viciously about the decision. He bargained, he begged, he pleaded, but evidently his mother’s negotiating skills hadn’t been passed on to him either. She wouldn’t budge. Amazingly, not even his father came to his aid. And it was well-known that he hated the elite and all their trappings of power.

 

A point that Ben overheard his mother questioning his father about.

 

“Why are you being so… calm?” His mother had asked. His parents’ were in the kitchen and Ben was stood on the landing which was directly above them.

 

“Like it would make any difference if I didn’t?” Han scoffed.

 

“No. Why are you?”

 

Han sighed. “We’re over our heads with him. Like we have any other choice.”

 

“What do you mean? This school is a good one-”

 

“-that will take him off your hands so he can straighten himself out and come back to us for the holidays.”

 

“What? No! I want him to have the best future.”

 

“He’s not going to have a chance of that if he carries on with these bloody moods!” Han snapped.

 

“Don’t say that! That’s a horrible thing to say!” Leia hissed at her husband.

 

“It’s the honest thing to say.” Han said sounding unbelievably tired. “It doesn’t matter what hopes we had for him. It’s not working and it never has. He’s… there’s too much Vader in him.”

 

There was a weighted stunned pause. “Don’t say that. Don’t ever say that to me!” Leia snarled sounding like a lioness.

 

“Well, there is! He’s so quick to anger. And he’s displaying his traits!”

 

“Han, we always knew that it may be hereditary.”

 

“Who knew? I certainly didn’t. I didn’t sign up to this when we had him. I wanted to be a dad to a kid I could understand. I wanted him to be like me: normal!”

 

It was a burn that couldn’t be cauterised. Not with time or with effort. His father, whom he had always looked up to, didn’t see him as normal.

 

He stopped arguing at that point to stay home. He realised there was no way he would ever be allowed to.

 

* * *

 

He hated the boarding school from the very first morning. And the other boys soon made it clear they hated him.

 

The other boys, who were all ironically the sons of the men who had recommended the place, made it clear that their role in his life was to make it a misery. They were clever in their ways. They never did anything that could give Ben a reason to run to a teacher for help. It was all underhanded and sly. Like excluding him from all social groups. Like making sure he was always chosen last for any sports team. Whispered snipes and well timed laughter whenever he had to speak.

 

He didn’t understand. Why were they doing this? And why did they whisper ‘Vader’s sprog’ at him?

 

Why were people continuously bringing up Vader?

 

In the age of the internet only starting to break into mainstream and with a life in a gated, gilded prison, he couldn’t just go out and get a paper. So the library was his means of exploring.

 

He went to the desk and asked for the most recent and up to date book on Senator Darth Vader.

 

Everyone knew who Vader was. He’d been a madman who had become drunk on power and had done some terrible things. Things that his mother had committed her life to fighting.

 

Checking out a book, he took it back to his dorm and began to read furiously. He read of Vader’s origins. Of the days when he had grown up in terrible conditions as Anakin Skywalker. How he had grown up in better times and fallen hopelessly in love with Padmé Amidala. How they had secretly married… and had twins.

 

Ben had been forced to read five times before he could believe what he was seeing.

 

But there it was. His uncle’s name. And his mother’s.

 

This man, this despot, was his… grandfather?

 

Ben’s head was pounding. He knew his Mom was adopted but… he’d never thought to ask…

 

The whispers of ‘Vader’s sprog’ now made terrible frightening sense.

 

No wonder he was hated. No wonder his mother was to a certain extent. They were the descendants of a mad man.

 

Ben had sobbed for an hour with rage and fear. How could his mother have kept this from him? How could she have sent him here with no warning as to what may come out into the open?

 

But then more confusion came about. What did they mean with too much Vader in him? Did that mean he was evil?

 

He wasn’t! He wasn’t evil! He’d done bad things, smashed stuff up and thrown what could be described as tantrums but he wasn’t evil. He wasn’t…

 

Oddly enough, even though just thinking back to that horrific six months was enough to trigger a panic attack, he couldn’t really remember much of it. The days consisted of trying to concentrate in lessons which was absolutely impossible and an overwhelming sense of ‘What is the point?’

 

The teachers weren’t particularly sympathetic, putting it down to teenage attitude, and insisted that he was a bright boy he just needed to try harder.

 

He didn’t bother calling home for support. What could he say? That he felt a pain in his bones whenever he moved? That he couldn’t sleep yet was actually beginning to get double-vision from how tired he was? That he was prepared to go to any lengths to make sure the pain stopped?

 

The times he grew up in weren’t kind to people like him. There was the sense of ‘Get up and get over it’ that seemed dominant in the go-getting years.

 

He eventually had to go home for Christmas break. He could still remember the way his parents had decorated the house. Pine was very prominent. Holly berries everywhere. China Santa figurines on the fireplace. It was clearly meant to be the year they spent a perfect Christmas with their son who had been enjoying boarding school so much that he no longer phoned to beg them to pick him up.

 

Ben looked up long enough to see the look of horror that greeted the sight of him. He’d lost weight with his cheekbones sticking out prominently. He spent the majority of the time inspecting his shoes. And he was losing the ability to talk.

 

Leia had tried desperately to get her son to speak to her. She came to his bedroom and spoke softly to him.

 

“Ben. Ben, please. What’s going on? What are you doing to yourself? Ben?”

 

He had so much to say and he wanted to say it. But when he looked at his mother and opened his mouth, her eyes made the words dry up. He was incoherent and didn’t make any sense when he spoke. The words came out in the wrong order when all he wanted to say was: “Help me! SOMEONE HELP ME!”

 

The anger was still there quietly simmering too. Because how dare she? How dare she demand anything from him when all it would have taken would have been just a bit of honesty on her part for him to know who he was!

 

So he stared at his bedroom wall and said nothing.

 

His father was even worse. Never the most sensitive of men, he just barked questions at him.

 

“Why won’t you talk?” “Why won’t you eat?” “Why are you doing this to your mother?” “Why are you being so selfish?”

 

Ben began locking the door whenever he heard his footfalls coming up the stairs. Han had never hit him or attempted to but the force of his derisive and desperate demands were causing him to bleed around the ribs.

 

Christmas was horrific. Ben was given a mountain of presents but not even the will to unwrap them. Leia kept trying to push him towards them but he wouldn’t budge. He could see Han getting angry and why did everyone have to be so angry with him all the time?

 

“Come on Ben!” Leia pleaded sounding almost hysterical. “There are some nice things there. I promise.”

 

“Leia, don’t bother.” Han sighed. He looked disappointed. He always looked disappointed.

 

“Shut up Han!” She growled.

 

Ben used the distraction to bolt to the bathroom. Shaking and hysterically crying, he didn’t even know why. He was now pretty certain he hated his parents yet the sight of his mother and even his father desperately trying was enough to make him cower away in despair. Why were they buying him gifts? They didn’t even like him.

 

Desperate to breath a bit easier, he blindly opened the bathroom cabinet and looked for an inhaler.

 

And spotted a prescription of Codeine.

 

The bottle was nearly completely full. Han had been given them for bad headaches but had stopped pretty quickly. Claimed they made him feel out of body and sluggish.

 

Ben wasn’t sure what possessed him but he picked it up.

 

Placing it on the lid of the toilet, he sat on the floor and stared at it.

 

If he took the lot, he could die. And he didn’t want to die.

 

But he wanted this pain to stop. And for that he was willing to do anything.

 

He cried even harder as he stared at the bottle of pills because he was so scared. He wanted it stop. Why wouldn’t it stop?

 

Then suddenly he regained his voice.

 

“Mom! MOM!”

 

He was rooted to the floor so Leia couldn’t open the door. But Han’s foot could.

 

Leia took in the splintered remains of the door. Of her only child curled up against the sink. And at what was holding his attention.

 

Not even Han had the words for this.

 

Ben let his Mom hold him desperately as he finally found the words and just whimpered them over and over. _“Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop.”_

 

He finally managed to sleep that night. Because he was exhausted in mind and body.

 

The next day his mother told him to pack a bag. He did it without question.

 

Maybe he was going to be sent to a hospital. Maybe that was for the best. He was willing to try anything.

 

The drive was completely silent with Han driving, Ben looking out of the window and Leia clutching her handbag like someone was going to rip it out of her hands like her world had been from under her feet.

 

Ben was completely confused when they pulled up at Los Angeles International Airport but considered maybe the hospital was out of state. It wasn’t until he got to a terminal that he realised maybe he wasn’t going to a hospital.

 

“Me and your father...” Leia began, “we’ve decided that maybe LA isn’t the best place for you right now. And neither is boarding school.” Ben nodded slowly. “A new breath of air and an understanding face may be what you need.” Ben waited. “So we’ve decided it might be a good idea for you to go and see Uncle Luke in England.”

 

Ben was too shocked to even recoil. Uncle Luke? He’d last seen his uncle when he’d been six. A quiet and shy man, he wasn’t suited to the life in the spotlight that his sister inevitably attracted. He’d been residing in London for years and kept his contacting to ringing now and again.

 

He was being sent to a complete stranger.

 

“I thought I was going to hospital.” He blurted.

 

Leia’s face nearly crumpled and Han looked like he was biting something in his mouth hard enough to bleed.

 

“I don’t want to see you in hospital Ben. It will do you no good. I want to protect you from that.”

 

Ben considered screaming that he wanted to go if it meant he got better. But a cold kind of rage seized his chest.

 

“You want to protect yourself from that.” He corrected.

 

“What? No I-”

 

“You’ve been shipping me off since I was a baby. Because I wasn’t good enough then and I’m not good enough now.”

 

Leia went to argue but Ben just stuck out his hand. “Just give me the tickets.”

 

The departure was excruciating. Ben wanted to run onto the plane but Leia insisted on holding him. He was a stiff as stone in her arms. Han, who had never been big on hugs, stood back.

 

“I’ve always wanted what was best for you Ben.” His mother whispered brokenly. “I hope one day you will understand.”

 

He left without another word.

 

Oddly enough, he didn’t cry on the plane. He felt the strangest desperate need to run back to his parents but he tamped it down.

 

As the plane took off, Ben made himself a promise.

 

He vowed that as long as he lived he would never go back to his parents for help again.

 

* * *

 

There was a thick fog when he touched down at Gatwick. He’d been on the plane for so long that he was actually looking forward to seeing his Uncle.

 

In the terminal, he had looked around for his new guardian.

 

“Ben?”

 

Ben had looked up. The man calling to him had an American accent yet oddly quiet and gentle. He was wearing mostly black and a long coat almost like a robe. His hair was golden with touches of grey and a neat beard. Yet his eyes were impressively blue.

 

“Uncle Luke?”

 

The man nodded clearly taking his nephew in. They left without another word.

 

The town-house where Luke resided was impressive and clearly worth a lot of money but almost muted in its grandeur. The sort of house that goes unnoticed until you look much much closer and see its grandness.

 

Another thing that Ben noticed was it didn’t appear as though it had been redecorated since its building. Sometime around 1892.

 

Ben’s new bedroom was tiny in comparison to his old one but that didn’t bother him. The walls were dark red and the furniture threadbare.

 

“You can decorate it however you like.” His Uncle pointed out almost awkwardly. It proved quite comforting that Luke was as unaware of what to do with a teenage boy as his sister had been.

 

Ben found himself alone, in a strange room, in a strange country. How this was meant to help him he had no idea.

 

One saving grace was that sorting him out a new school would take a while so he didn’t have to face that yet.

 

The weeks passed in a monotonous blur. The hollowness was still ever present and his Uncle was clearly a man used to solitude so conversation was difficult. He didn’t want to get lost in a strange city so couldn’t exactly leave.

 

The nearly daily calls from his mother also didn’t help at all. It just meant he was more susceptible to rage.

 

About two weeks later, he couldn’t ignore his boredom anymore and went exploring. The rooms all looked much the same as his bedroom until he came across an old study. It had an odd smell of papers and books that smelt oddly comforting. And there were two bookcases lining the longest walls of the room. There were leather bound books but also an assortment of paperbacks and hard-covers. Ben picked up one at random and opened it but couldn’t make much sense of it. His concentration was so badly compromised that reading was impossible.

 

He was tempted to throw the book across the room. But then spotted something new: a few cassette tapes.

 

Taking them out, he inspected them and saw they were books on tape. Audiobooks.

 

Picking one at random, Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy, he left to dig out a CD Player.

 

He hadn’t expected much. It was just something to pass the time. Some background noise to his despair.

 

Ben found himself listening intently and was transformed away from the shadowy room into high society Russia. He listened transfixed as he listened to the unfaithful Steva and Dolly battle it out. Listened to the loveless set up of Anna and Karenin. To the inflamed passions of Anna and Vronsky. And to the endearing and painful life and love of Kitty and Levin.

 

For the first time, he was captured in another world that caused him no pain. He was amused by Steva’s ridiculousness. He was pitiable of Vronsky. He was cheering for Levin. And he was tossed back and forth between unbelievable exasperation and compassion for Anna, who was simultaneously tragic, villainous, motherly, romantic and impossible.

 

It took her nearly three days of continuous listening before he finished. And he rushed back to the library for another tape.

 

He listened to them all. _Jane Eyre, Northanger Abbey, Bleak House, Age of Innocence_ and _Madame Bovary._ All transporting him to a brave new world and making him forget himself for a little while.

 

The next time he picked up a book, the words made sense. And he started to make sense again too.

 

* * *

 

His first day back at school was a nerve-wrecking one. It was a decent school with very good reports but not a boarding school. It was only a short distance away too. Meaning he could walk there.

 

Ben had been terrified entering the grounds and tried to keep himself inconspicuous. He didn’t know if he had it in him to survive another bout of bullying.

 

Yet oddly, although he was given moderate attention when he first arrived, he soon faded into the background. No-one went out of their way to victimize or befriend him. He was just there. And there was a great comfort in that.

 

Ben found himself spending most days in the library, checking out new exciting books and devouring them alone in his room. There was still an ache in his bones and some-days when lifting his head off the pillow was just too much work but they were becoming manageable.

 

He’d been at the school for a grand total of two months when someone sat down next to him at the library table.

 

A boy about his height with a sallow face and pinched expression sat next to him. He was pale with a shock of red hair and had eyes that just seemed to say ‘I don’t like anyone’.

 

The boy didn’t say anything and just went about his work which suited Ben fine. Half an hour passed before the boy talked.

 

“You‘re the new kid from America, yeah?”

 

Ben blinked up from his book and managed a nod.

 

“Are you mute?” The boy demanded, causing Ben to scowl.

 

“No. I’m just quiet.” Ben pointed out. He tried to get back to his book.

 

“I’m Hux. And I take it you’re Ben.”

 

“If I must be.” Ben growled.

 

“Don’t be then.” Hux shrugged turning the page in his textbook and looked rather disinterested. “No-one has to be who they are assigned to be.”

 

Ben went to argue but then stopped. He could be whoever he wanted, couldn’t he? This was a new chance. A new country. Ben had been weak and never good enough. The new him could be everything.

 

“Fine. I’m not Ben.” He stated. Hux looked at him.

 

“Who are you then?”

 

Ben thought and an odd name popped into his head. Unusual yet distinctive.

 

“Kylo. Kylo… Ren.”

 

Hux raised his eyebrows. “Nice to meet you, Kylo Ren.”

 

It had been the beginning of one of the oddest friendships in history. Hux and the newly christened Kylo found themselves spending time together. There was nothing remotely warm or fuzzy about the two but it was weirdly nurturing for Kylo. He’d never had a friend before. Even if this one was short-tempered, rude and prone to be cutting, he was still willing to spend time with Kylo. It also transpired that Hux had a name he didn’t like either which meant he was happy to address him as Kylo as long as he remained Hux.

 

Kylo was very slow in telling Hux what had happened back home yet was giddy with relief when Hux didn’t seem pitying.

 

“No wonder you want to stay.” He’d stated.

 

“But for how long?” Kylo moaned. “They may demand me home soon.”

 

“Not if you play it right.” Hux explained. It turned out that Hux was going to follow the family business into law and knew his shit when it came to rights. It soon came to pass that Kylo realised as long as he stayed in the UK until he was sixteen, his parents couldn’t actually drag him back to the States. As in the eyes of the law, he could do what he wanted without permission.

 

So from the age of fourteen, he plotted and lay the groundwork. He studied furiously for any tests that came his way and proved himself something of a protege in English. His uncle seemed pleased with him yet didn’t seem to like this new boy his nephew had taken to as a friend.

 

Whenever he talked to his mother on the phone, Kylo trained himself to sound self-assured but stern. He claimed that he wanted to stay in a school until all his exams were passed. Which meant until he was sixteen and his GCSEs had been taken. Leia, so relieved to hear her son talking like a reasonable adult, agreed.

 

The years passed, the final exams came and Kylo turned sixteen.

 

He passed all his teaching with flying colours. His uncle was clearly proud.

 

“I think you are ready to go back, Ben.”

 

Kylo looked up at him with hardened eyes. His uncle’s pleased expression faded.

 

“I’m never going back. And don’t call me that name. Ever again.”

 

Luke tried to reason with him that what had been done, had been done for the best. Leia called numerous times but Kylo refused to speak to her. As far as he was concerned, he’d chosen his path.

 

What he didn’t suspect was how far they would go. So it was a huge shock when he came down for breakfast one morning to see Leia and Han sitting in the kitchen.

 

The row that followed was long and vicious. Leia pleaded. Han demanded. And Luke tried to reason. But Kylo refused to budge.

 

“We could drag you to the airport, you do know that?” Han demanded clearly at the end of his tether. Kylo tried not to smile. It was an empty threat.

 

“Go ahead. Drag me by my hair. Force me onto the plane. You know I will only come back here again. I’ll run away every time. I’ll steal credit cards. I’ll live in a hostel. I will do whatever it takes but you are never having me back again. I trusted you two once to do the best thing for me. You failed completely. This is my life and I am going to live it without the pair of you even if I have to run for the rest of my life. Is that clear?”

 

It was like all the fight was sucked from Leia. He felt a flash of compassion for the tiny woman. She looked so much older now. Like life had truly beaten her down. But he had needed them. He had needed them so badly and they had let him down.

 

His parents had been forced to go home. His Uncle was clearly disgusted and didn’t argue when his nephew moved out the next day. He’d gone to Hux for help and had been granted the use of one of the family apartments in the city.

 

Kylo had studied and passed his A Levels. He’d enlisted into the army with Hux at 18 (with no medical history to stop him, he was free to do as he liked) though they had both sustained injuries and never saw combat. And at the age of twenty-three, after three major bouts and a recurring theme of it all his adult life, he had finally been diagnosed with Chronic Depression with Anxiety Disorder.

 

The medication had been a great help to him and only supported his belief that he should have gone down this route years ago. As an adult, he realised it may have been a refusal to believe that a child of theirs suffered mental health issues and a belief that depression wasn’t an illness but a phase.

 

It had cost his parents’ dearly in terms of his self-imposed exile. But Kylo had learnt a long time ago that the less people around him, the less hurt to everyone concerned.

 

He took his tablets, worked hard and lost himself in literature.

 

Some people were better off alone. He was one of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If this resonates with anyone, you matter. You truly matter. And I know it seems impossible now but things are going to get better. Hang in there. Depression is an illness not a phase. Never let anyone tell you different.


	5. F i v e

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys.
> 
> Forgive my lack of updates, I've been pretty caught up in my other story at the moment. I also struggle with way too many ideas regarding Reylo and therefore way too many one-shots in the pipe line. Plus this fic leaves me pretty drained. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope this chapter is okay and not complete crap.
> 
> My tumblr is https://waterlilyrose.tumblr.com/

Kylo woke up the next morning after two hours sleep to the sound of his alarm shrieking at him. He had tuned his mobile to play ‘Blue Monday’ by New Order instead of the god-awful options for a wake-up call that his phone gave him. He’d read somewhere that it made rising in the morning a lot easier.

 

It was just succeeding in making him hate the sound of the classic song.

 

Rubbing his eyes and rolling almost onto the floor, he grimaced at how sluggish his limbs were. Everything felt heavy and he wasn’t the most graceful person at times anyway. His arms and legs were too long and sometimes did things without his permission.

 

Going to the kettle, he switched it on to boil and picked up his container of pills. He always put it by the kettle so it was the first thing he did in the morning as he always went for coffee first thing.

 

Popping the two Sertraline into his mouth, he chugged them down with some water.

 

Hopefully everything would be calm today.

 

One saving grace was that no-one knew anything about his early life. His mother had done such a good job at keeping the press away when he’d been a boy that they didn’t know what he looked like. After he’d changed his name by deed poll as well, there was no Ben Organa-Solo to find. His location was unknown, his face unknown and the past left behind him. To anyone looking, Ben Organa-Solo had stepped onto a plane at the age of thirteen and disappeared off the face of the earth.

 

Kylo Ren had issues that had to be kept at bay. But he was nothing more than an American doctor of English Literature, teaching in a college that had seen better days.

 

He sometimes felt something akin to guilt for his parents. His refusal to have anything further to do with them had ruptured them beyond repair and they had separated not long after. They seemed to have thrown themselves into the work that had sustained them and defined them.

 

He’d done the whole counselling technique and found it awful. The entire thing seemed to be a study in how one person can ask over and over again: “And how does that make you feel?” The worst one had been his first attempt where he’d gone to a doctor to ask for some kind of help. The horrible bitch had merely smiled and explained how with a full time career and a family, she didn’t have time to be depressed.

 

Kylo had been banned from that practise after calling the doctor some rather choice names.

 

Sighing, he rubbed the circles beneath his eyes. He had a busy day today and couldn’t afford to be tired.

 

* * *

 

He dressed entirely in black that day and one look at him alerted Phasma that anything other than silent acceptance would be unwelcome.

 

He was lucky enough to know the syllabus well enough to not have to really think about what he was saying as he stood at the front of the class. He knew and could see that half the pupils had switched off but didn’t have the heart to get annoyed. It was energy he didn’t have in him to waste.

 

He was returning some books to the library when he caught sight of Rey. She was wrestling some textbooks into her bag and looked up absently. They caught one another’s eye.

 

Kylo gave a nod of greeting but, to his brief surprise, her eyes hardened and she turned away without so much as acknowledging him. He watched as she left the library briskly.

 

Ah, so she was upset with him. The memory of their last encounter came back to him. The one where he had called her a child. Understandable as nothing would have made him angrier at her age that that accusation.

 

Kylo resolved to let her cool down. He doubted his good opinion was that important to her that a day or two wouldn’t solve the problem.

 

* * *

 

Except it didn’t. Whenever he passed Rey in the halls, which seemed to be endless times now, she averted her eyes and set her jaw.

 

It shouldn’t bother him as he was used to most of his students not liking him. Even some of the faculty. But the absence of her trying to engage him about topics that were generally very interesting to him was starting to smart a bit. It didn’t help when he was walking out of the college on Friday and spotted Call-Me-Poe, Finn and Rey all stood together and laughing. Her face lit up when she smiled and he picked up his pace to get away.

 

A part of him seethed inside. He had enough on his plate without this little contribution. Yet he felt that maybe he had underestimated the impact of his words. Words could wound as well as someone slamming a fist into you.

 

* * *

 

Kylo went for a run the next Saturday as usual and walked down Takodana Street on his way back home. The sight of Maz’s Palace, lit up in all its derelict glory, slowed his pace. An idea itched at his fingers.

 

_No. No! For God’s sake, she’s just a student who thinks too highly of her opinions. Just leave her alone and get on with existing._

 

His brain had never been patient with him. But then again, he always thought too much. For once, he just did as his body bid. And his body pushed open the door.

 

He scanned the room for Rey, but she was nowhere in sight. Possibly working out the back.

 

“Back again?” Kylo looked down. The tiny proprietor, Maz evidently, had a hand on her hip.

 

“Clearly.” He answered.

 

“Well, booth is open over there.” She pointed to the available seat not far from the counter. “Plonk yourself down and we’ll be over shortly.”

 

Kylo contemplated finding another table again that was further away but then decided against it. Besides, a booth was always the best kind of seat.

 

Sitting himself down and looking at the menu for lack of anything else to do, he scanned the contents with a listless eye. What was he doing? This was ridiculous.

 

“What will it be?”

 

The question was demanded rather than asked. Kylo looked up to see Rey with her notepad determinedly out and staring at nothing but that. His waitress was clearly not adapt at hiding her emotions in the face of customer service.

 

“Um...” Kylo looked down and said the first thing that came to his eye. “Chicken special, please.”

 

“Anything to drink?” Rey asked tonelessly, jotting down the order.

 

“Diet coke would be fine.”

 

She strode off without another word.

 

Kylo exhaled. What do you do in these situations? He was still a teacher in her college; he couldn’t blurt out that he was sorry. That he didn’t know what role she was playing in his life at the moment but he knew that the idea of that role ceasing made him feel cold.

 

He looked at his hands and thought about other things.

 

It was at times like this when his mind started to burst with ideas. When he was away from the laptop and everything that was meant to inspire creativity.

 

You are not meant to feel in your creative element while waiting for dinner in a cafe that had seen better days.

 

Still he had a pen. And there was a napkin dispenser on the table.

 

Taking out the ballpoint and grabbing a serviette, he began to randomly scribble down what was in his mind. Even if it made no sense to anyone but him.

 

He had covered two napkins full of blank inked scribbles by the time his food came and was so lost in his world that he had forgotten where he was. Or why he was there.

 

Kylo blinked at the food in front of him. There was quite a lot. And it smelt good and looked even better. They clearly knew how to cook here.

 

He generally watched what he ate (side effect of army life and medication) but it had been so long since he’d eaten a hot meal made by someone other than himself.

 

So, quietly picking up his knife and fork and ignoring for a moment Rey’s stare, he murmured a quiet ‘Thank You’ and started to eat.

 

He bent his head and waited for Rey to retreat. He could feel her eyes on his scribbles but managed to avoid the urge to hide them. A penance for hiding his work in the past. Even if she didn’t realise it was.

 

He ate his food and felt pleasantly full. It felt nice to eat something that wasn’t bland (he tended to live off pasta with no sauce and frozen food) and managed to write a bit more between bites.

 

Blinking in astonishment, he looked back over the work. It was… okay. Better than okay. Good.

 

He kept glancing up at where Rey was stood up at the counter. His booth was seated where it was impossible to keep his gaze away from her. Well, it felt like it was impossible. She made a point of doing anything else whenever he glanced up but she did tend to be in the process of looking away when he looked up.

 

In the end, Kylo paid for his food and left without a word. Nothing had been resolved yet it didn’t feel like a failure. He felt weirdly calm in the first time in a while.

 

* * *

 

And so began a new routine to Kylo’s life. Whether it be in the morning, afternoon or evening, he found himself wandering to the cafe every day.

 

He would order food or sometimes just a coffee and sit in the booth by the counter (his booth now) and would sometimes write or sometimes read. What had started as a task to right a wrong had turned into a routine. He liked this cafe. There was something quite warm about it. The shabbiness seemed to compliment the place and the food was undoubtedly brilliant.

 

He continued his life as before in all other regards and found he could sleep and concentrate better in his classes.

 

Rey continued to work around him and her frosty demeanour was beginning to thaw in place of scepticism. She still said the bare minimum and didn’t try to engage him in any of her previous topics of interest but the set of her jaw and her haughtiness wasn’t quite so prominent. Apparently, Kylo’s refusal to leave her presence was beginning to show he was not going to ignore her any longer.

 

He was waiting for his order the Tuesday of his second week coming into the cafe while reading a book when it suddenly broke.

 

“That’s a terrible book.”

 

Kylo looked up at Rey who was standing by his table.

 

“’The Catcher in the Rye’?” He asked, looking at the book as though to re-confirm they were talking about the same book. “I think you’ll find most worldwide critics will disagree.”

 

“I’m not interested in critics. I can form my own opinion.” Rey deduced while collecting his used coffee mug to take out the back to wash.

 

Kylo was ready for her when she came back. “Why don’t you like it?”

 

“I doubt you’re interested if you’ve decided its a classic.”

 

“Try me.”

 

Rey looked up from the till and he wouldn’t let himself drop her gaze. Now he had her talking, he couldn’t let her break away again.

 

With a sigh, Rey shrugged.

 

“The protagonist is meant to be this icon of teenage angst and the ultimate anti-hero, right? Yet all I see is a spoilt brat who looks down on everyone else and tries so hard to be original that he can’t see he’s just like all the other ‘phoneys’. I can’t get on board with anyone who is so willing to throw a pity party for themselves.”

 

Kylo nodded slowly. It was a valid argument. And not that unusual.

 

“I suppose you’re going to explain to me how that’s not a valid argument?” Rey said, playing with her jumper. She seemed a bit resigned.

 

“Not at all. I agree.”

 

Rey looked up. “But you said it’s-”

 

“Just because scholars and the world says something is one thing doesn’t mean you have to agree if your gut tells you it’s not right.” Kylo interjected.

 

Rey was quiet a moment, looking at him as though analysing whether he was playing with her or was earnest in the most praise he had ever given to her opinions. She seemed to find him to be serious as she nodded.

 

“What about you? What do you think?”

 

Kylo looked at the book again and sighed. “I used to like it. Love it even. I could relate as a disenchanted teen. Now… maybe it’s by becoming more jaded or just growing up, but it’s not quite the same.”

 

“But you still like it a little?”

 

“A little. It holds relatable memories. And not all teenagers are as resilient as you Rey.”

 

Kylo felt his cheeks heat up a little as he hadn’t meant to say that. But Rey’s face smiled softly and simply nodded.

 

“Touché.” She admitted and then sauntered off to take another order.

 

Kylo wondered if that would be the end of it and then went back to his book. That was until Rey sat down opposite him.

 

“What would you recommend then? A book that you turn to as your classic?”

 

Kylo blinked and momentarily felt like he was in a job interview. In fact no. No job interview was this intimidating.

 

“I don’t know how this is relevant to your class.”

 

“To hell with the class!” Rey dismissed, “I want you to tell me a book to read.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because you get it!” Rey infused. “You get what I get. When you read, it’s not just a book. It’s an escape and one you can imagine for yourself.”

 

Kylo contemplated not giving a book but that died in his gut as quickly as it was born. He had her talking to him again and didn’t want to screw up again.

 

“Try ‘Anna Karenina’. It’s big, about 900 pages, but an engrossing read. And it will make you think about where you stand on social issues. And personal ones.”

 

Rey nodded, clearly satisfied. Before she could leave, he blurted out a question. “What about you? Do you have a classic that gives comfort?”

 

Rey smiled. “’Little Women’. Jo is… well, she was the first character I ever wished was my best friend.”

 

Kylo nodded and let her dart back behind the counter.

 

* * *

 

Kylo went through his usual night-time routine and contemplated what to do with his time before bed.

 

Without even thinking, he went to the bookcase and drew out ‘Little Women’.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please please please leave feedback. I've been feeling insecure about this piece of work lately.


	6. S i x

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys.  
> I'm so sorry for going to ground a bit. I've been working on a wicked case of burnout. I just needed some time away to recharge. I've felt drained from writing and when you start to overthink it all the joy is gone away. 
> 
> Anyway I'm back for a visit (waves) so enjoy.

The weeks that followed the literacy debate in the cafe was oddly calm and satisfying to Kylo. Work toddled along nicely with the students showing a bit more promise (not much but some was better than none). There had been no more attempts at phone-calls on his mother’s side and he didn’t check to see if his father had attempted to contact him. He’d marked Han’s email address as spam in his email folder well over a year ago. And he went to Maz’s Palace every day.

 

Sometimes he went when there was truly no excuse. When he’d just done a food shop and had cupboards teaming with food to cook himself just as he liked it. Yet he would sometimes reach for his coat on the pretence of going for a quick walk only to stroll down Takodana Road and into his usual booth where he doodled on his notepads and snook looks at the waitress who was always much more pleasant to him now.

 

Rey often sat down beside him when he was eating now. Mainly to chew his ear off about a new book she had read. Or to find out his opinion of one he had just finished. He had meant to mentioned that maybe she should get Goodreads if she wanted to share opinions about books but somehow the words got lost on the way to his throat.

 

She liked sci-fi type novels (she was a trainee engineer after all) and was partial to the odd well-written mystery. She didn’t mind blood and guts and graphic detail so long as it wasn’t to a character she was invested too much in. And she didn’t like the story to be too based on the detective’s human drama either. She wanted to know who the serial killer was; not whether or not the hot detective was going to dump her boyfriend and have it off with the Super Intendant in the back of a police car.

 

Young Adult was also quite popular with her at times as long as it had a decent plot and a well-written main character. Nothing seemed to annoy her more than the ‘I’m-so-plain-but-really-I’m-stunning’ tag-line of most girls in the books. She seemed to like Hermione from the Harry Potter books and Katniss from The Hunger Games for that reason:

 

“Hermione loves books and being a general know-it-all while Katniss just wants to survive at all costs. They haven’t got time to go all dewy-eyed about a boy.”

 

“But they do end up with their love interest as I recall.” Kylo pointed out, sipping his coffee. As an English Doctorate, it felt slightly wrong to admit that he loved Harry Potter. Especially the audiobooks with Stephen Fry narrating when he wasn’t well enough to concentrate on a book. Which was a shame because he would have made a good Slytherin. Or a Ravenclaw. Not Gryffindor though. Not brave enough. And not Hufflepuff either. He wasn’t kind or humble enough.

 

Rey raised an eyebrow but didn’t comment how he knew the endings to those two series. Or to his warming blush over his nose.

 

“Yes, they do. But they could have survived just as well if they hadn’t. It would have hurt but they would have survived. The girls who are defined by who they love; those are the girls that make me want to close the book.”

 

Kylo had no argument for that so said nothing at all.

 

Little by little, he found himself admitting his own preferences. He loved reading classics (of course he did) and intended to read the top 200 books that you had to read before you die. But beyond that he had other likes. He liked historical literature about kings and queens and it had somehow slipped out that he read most things about Henry VIII and his six wives. He also liked Terry Pratchett’s Discworld (the dry sarcasm was very much to his taste) but hadn’t read A Song of Ice and Fire series yet. The bulk of them tended to sometimes put him off and he was confident that once he started he wouldn’t be able to just go back to normal everyday life very easily.

 

Rey also tried to get more out of him like what he did outside of reading or what TV shows he watched but on that score he was woefully lacking. Besides while they were talking about books, he could convince himself it was a purely academic discussion and still keep his professional integrity.

 

Rey clearly felt no such restrictions.

 

She talked casually about most things but always little snippets in between their conversations. Like how much she enjoyed aerospace and how cool Poe was (he stabbed his chips a little forcefully with a fork at that) or how she only really saw Finn as a friend. Mainly because they lived with Maz and he had been in her life ever since Maz had fostered them both.

 

Kylo didn’t know why the realisation that Finn was her adopted brother and not her boyfriend made him feel so light headed. And he didn’t want to investigate it.

 

Finn sometimes worked in the cafe but not as often as Rey. Their interactions seemed loving and relaxed and Kylo felt a twinge of jealousy at the picture they created. Not a standard possessive feeling but a wistful one. They were clearly close and obviously very dear to one another. It was not something he recognised and he knew that this in itself was unfortunate.

 

Sometimes he wanted to forget though. Just for a little while, he wanted to forget she was a student at his college and just sit down together with their coffee and talk. With her, he felt oddly like he didn’t need to pretend. He was always pretending and he was growing tired of the constant need to act.

 

But she was young. So very young and the idea of her being burdened with his true personality held him back. It might frighten her away and that would just be too terrible now.

 

She might be young and she might be a student but she was someone. And he hadn’t had anyone for such a long time.

 

* * *

 

_It’s him. But not him. Not really. This version of him is more ambitious. More determined. More out of control with his emotions. With his anger._

 

_He’s dressed all in black but these are not his work clothes. They are flowing robes. He looks dominating and like he could crush worlds in the palm of his hand if he had only a mind to do so._

 

_A bridge. No safety railings. Death is just a wrong foot away. He strides across it anyway._

 

_He’s halfway across and not looking around with anything other than determination when he hears it. The name he left behind. Screaming by a voice, by a person, he left behind too._

 

_He turns and sees. Sees the man he had left in the shadows of his past. But it’s not quite him. This man is older, with a face more lined with years and grief. With hair that is silver and not bronze. But same clothes. Same jacket._

 

My son is alive. My son. Leave with me. Come home. We miss you.

 

_Pain that he had tried to ignore and leave behind. No. Not again! Never again!_

 

_Cut off the head and the snake will die._

 

_The snake must die._

 

_A sword with a blade like fire. Fire to look at. Fire to touch._

 

_Hesitation. Unwillingness. And then a button pressed._

 

_The look of pain and shock is like it’s own blade to him. A scream. But not from him. No. He’s silent as the night. A female scream that is young and heartbroken._

 

_He wants to look towards it but can’t. He needs to see this through. And he already knows who cried out. And can’t bare to look._

 

_One last look. One last touch and then falling. Down and away._

 

_The head is cut off. But the snake lives. And it is coming to consume him…_

 

Kylo gasped awake and was aware that he was surrounded by cold heat. His clothes were sticking to him and his hair was stuck unpleasantly to his forehead.

 

The robes are gone. The blade of fire is dead.

 

A dream. A nightmare. Another one. Just a side effect. Shouldn’t drink with his tablets. He was only meant to meet Hux for one. He shouldn’t have let it turn to be three. Or was it four?

 

He should shower. Should dump his dump pyjamas in the laundry. Instead he grabs his mobile.

 

This is a mistake but he needs this.

 

The phone rings for a while but he stays where he is. She’s still up. It can only be eight o’clock night-time in America.

 

“Ben?” The voice is raspy and surprised. She should be; he hasn’t called in years.

 

A swallow. “Mom.”

 

“Is everything alright? Are you safe?”

 

Her voice is panicked and Kylo almost laughs. If he was in danger, she can’t help him across the world. But she can help him.

 

“Can you just… can you talk to me?”

 

“About what?”

 

“Anything. Everything. Just speak. Just… make noise.” He’s babbling and still shaking but needs this. Because if she’s discussing her latest exercise regime or how she can’t program the television right then that means she’s okay. That means that _he’s_ okay. That means it really was a dream.

 

There is a pause and then she does. Her tone is calm as she discusses her book club and how they are reading what Oprah recommended (as usual). The topic is bland but the sound of her talking is good.

 

He lies back down on the bed slowly. His shaking is less violent now. He feels safer. Because she’s safe.

 

He can’t remember falling asleep or whether he hung up or she did.

 

* * *

 

The next few days are difficult for Kylo. The nightmares don’t reoccur and for that he’s very grateful. But he can feel his mother’s hopeful presence from L.A. This will give her optimism and may make her start calling again. She doesn’t call in that first week but the waiting and not knowing nearly drive Kylo to distraction. Somehow the waiting for the inevitable is worse than it actually happening. The dark circles reappear and he can’t bring himself to go to the cafe. Rey’s scream still reverberates around his head.

 

Luckily it is the last few days before half term and he is busy sorting all the assignments out as the world prepares for Halloween and all the standard Autumn festivities.

 

He is walking home, feeling achy and tired from the college, when he passes the local fish shop. The smell of chips is enticing but not enough for him to turn back initially. Home is his objective and he’s looking forward to curling up on the sofa and sleeping off his life.

 

No the smell doesn’t tempt him back. But a voice does.

 

“Doctor Ren? Wait up!”

 

Ren is forced to look around at the sight of Rey bounding out of the shop. She’s wrapped up to the nines against the cold with a hat, old overcoat, scarf and fingerless gloves. If Ren is being perfectly honest, she looks like she’s about to the spend the night sleeping on the streets. But her eyes are sparkling and she looks happy.

 

“Rey. This is… unexpected.”

 

“Heading home?” She asked.

 

“Yes.” He sighed. His muscles were aching with protest. God, he was tired.

 

“You don’t look so good. Where have you been? I mean, I haven’t seen… I mean,” she trailed off looking a little flustered, “you okay?”

 

Ren blinked. “I’m fine. Just a little weary.”

 

“You work too hard.” She sounded disapproving. “I have an idea: come and get some fish and chips with me and I’ll show you something nice.”

 

Ren took a step back. “No, I don't… No, that’s not a good idea.”

 

“It’s for science. An experiment. You like them!”

 

“Rey,” he rubbed his eyes, “it’s been a long week and… I’m a teacher at your college.”

 

“You’re not _my_ tutor.” Rey insisted looking a bit indignant and maybe even a little hurt. “Come on, I won’t say you saw my project and what are we going to say? That you and me ate dinner and you tried to make sense of my interests?”

 

“The college might not see it that way.”

 

“The college might not give a damn. Just have chips and a battered cod and live a little.”

 

“No, Rey.” He insisted and would have stuck to his guns if Rey hadn’t got such a look on her face. One he’d seen before in the library; one of pride and sadness. Kylo sighed. He promised he wouldn’t see that look on her face again. “I don’t like cod. Order me a jumbo sausage.”

 

* * *

 

Kylo was tense as Rey led him to the common. He was feeling like any moment someone would pop out of hiding and accuse him of something untoward. A part of him resented that from Rey. She was a smart girl. Surely she could understand his concerns?

 

Rey seemed unaffected and would occasionally turn back to assure him, “Nearly there now.”

 

Eventually they came to an allotment. It was much more pristine than the other ones with a deckchair and a blanket and other odd condiments. A flask of tea was nearby and an old wooden outhouse with a lock on it. Rey scooped a key out of her pocket and opened it up. Inside was an old yet clearly well cared for telescope.

 

“The allotment is Maz’s but she never uses it anymore. She gave it to me as a place to go.”

 

“To do what?” Kylo asked.

 

“Look at the stars, of course.”

 

Kylo looked back around and saw that it truly was a campsite. “And the chips?” He asked holding up his wrapped bag.

 

“Because they taste good. I’m a simple girl.” Rey shrugged. She set up the telescope and motioned to a deckchair. “Take a seat.”

 

Folding himself into a deckchair was almost comical but he managed it. Just about.

 

“This is what you do when you don’t read?” He asked.

 

“If the weather is good enough.” Rey confirmed. “I like to examine the stars. It’s where I’m gonna go one day.”

 

“Space?”

 

“That’s the plan.” Rey smiled and unwrapped her chips tucking in with abandon. It made him smile secretly. Some girls were too concerned with their image to eat with gusto in front of a guy. Rey wasn’t some girls.

 

“Why do you want to go that far up?” He asked for lack of anything else to say.

 

“I used to dream that I could fly when I was a little girl.” Rey sighed. “So I could fly away from the foster home, and the horrible children, and the potential parents that seemed keen then lost interest quickly enough.” She seemed to be almost talking to herself as she looked up at the sky. “Then I decided that flying on my own wasn’t possible so I would have to get myself a plane. You have to fly planes before you fly spaceships so I thought I would give it a go. So many stars are undiscovered… just one would do me.”

 

Kylo said nothing for fear of saying the wrong thing. She looked back at him and scoffed. “Sounds silly but-”

 

“No! No, not silly. Admirable.” He managed.

 

“Well, I’m no Han Solo but-”

 

The package that Kylo had been unwrapping slipped from his fingers at the name. His food was still covered so nothing was ruined but his fingers still protested as he scrambled to pick it off the floor.

 

“Han Solo?” He managed.

 

“The famous pilot?” Rey offered as though it should be obvious. “He did the kessel run in twelve parsecs!”

 

“Did he now?” He mumbled. His appetite was dead and buried yet he played with his food anyway.

 

“I used to idolise him growing up,” Rey admitted, “I had a poster above my bed and all his books on planes. In a weird way, I used to look at him as a father figure. Mad I know!”

 

Rey must have taken Kylo’s look of mortification for astonishment. He was glad of it. Han Solo as a father figure?

 

“ _He would have disappointed you.”_ It was on the tip of his tongue but it sounded as vicious in his head as it would on his tongue. And it would have raised more questions.

 

“Don’t see much of him about now.” He mumbled instead.

 

“Nah. He’s gone to ground a bit. Lives a quieter life. Since he divorced his wife, he seems to keep to himself. And no-one has seen their son since he was five. Best thing really. The press are horrible and he was only a kid.”

 

Kylo didn’t sag with relief but only just. So she didn’t know who he was. Good. That was good. But also entered a whole new world of problems. _She doesn’t know who I am. And I’m not going to tell her._

 

He wasn’t lying especially by omitting a truth but it was not much better than that.

 

He didn’t want there to be any lies between them.

 

Rey had her eye to the telescope and let out a little gasp. “I can see some stars. The light pollution isn’t as bad as I feared.” Rey shot up and grabbed Kylo’s sleeve. “Come look.”

 

Kylo had no choice but to tilt his glasses up and squinting into the telescope. He managed to make out several stars.

 

It was bizarre as he had never been interested in space (his father’s involvement instantly put him off) yet he found his eyes widen as he stared up at the dusting of explosions up above him.

 

“Interesting. Very interesting.” He drew back from the telescope and looked at Rey who was smiling with delight.

 

“Isn’t it?”

 

“I don’t know much about stars...”

 

“That’s not important.” Rey dismissed, “but you shared a passion with me and made me feel like it was a normal thing to make me happy. So… I’m sharing one with you.”

 

Ben had no argument for this. They sat on their deckchairs with their chips going cold on their laps and their necks craned upwards for a long time contemplating their place in a tiny universe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope that was okay? Please let me know. I've been losing confidence with this one lately. 
> 
> I had to reference Harry Potter simply because it's amazing. One of my best works has been my Reylo Hogwarts Crossover (on my profile if you ain't read it) and I have been revisiting it a lot lately. 
> 
> I'm sure my letter will arrive by owl any day now...


	7. S e v e n

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys.
> 
> Forgive me... I don't know what happened. Well I do actually. I wanted to finish Ileenium Manor and work has been crazy (Easter is always our busiest time). Plus I find this piece of work very draining at times and my head wasn't quite in the right place. I was so convinced that I was losing my audience, that it got a bit silly but I'm over it now. If you can forgive me, please do. 
> 
> Anyway, I don't intend disappearing again. I will now try and update once a week. You have my word.
> 
> Please enjoy!

Kylo struggled to sleep that night. He kept his curtains open and his eyes trained on the stars. His flat was the definition of ‘the lights are on, but no-ones home’.

 

He’d never liked the stars. Never found them interesting. As a teenager, even one with issues like his, he was quite normal in some ways and instinctually thought anything his parents were interested in was automatically ‘lame’. It killed any chance he’d ever had of getting into politics or aerodynamics. You can’t have a furious rage build up inside you while on an aeroplane or in a senate hearing… well, you could, but you wouldn’t get invited back to do it twice.

 

Yet now they winked down at him and Kylo lay on his bed looking up at the night sky. He wondered if Rey had a good view of the stars from her bedroom window.

 

He wondered if she still had the poster of his father stowed away somewhere.

 

Kylo was tempted to scream into a pillow whenever he thought about it. Why, he cursed continuously as he’d walked home, why his father of all people? Why had she chosen him as a hero?

 

He was a glorified race-car driver who’d upgraded to planes!

 

Sighing, he wondered briefly how he was going to get out of this one. To his students, he was Kylo Ren and had the bank account, driver’s license and national security number to prove it. But he was, by blood and by body, Ben Organa-Solo and some titles cant be shaken off entirely. He was Han Solo’s natural son. If she ever found out…

 

A dismissive part of him snorted. How would she find out exactly? He wasn’t in a hurry to tell her. She didn’t even know about… well, anything. And he was a teacher. Not a friend.

 

Yet another softer voice, which sounded curiously like his mother, said in a warning tone: All things come out in the open at the end.

 

Kylo wasn’t sure what was worse: his parentage or his entangled relation to a student.

 

* * *

 

The time off his work was not greeted with enthusiasm or relief from Kylo. After allowing himself a fairly decent lie-in, he’d got dressed and walked about his flat, suddenly woefully aware of how lacking in things to do he was. He had an entire week to fill: what would he do?

 

There was his marking, of course, which should keep him occupied for a weekend but once that was done…

 

His Saturday consisted of going for his run around the park but taking a different route home. For the first time in ages, he made his own breakfast. He was still too antsy and almost skittish to sit down in front of the counter where Rey was always ringing up some order or other and pretend he hadn’t told an enormous lie by omission. Kylo had run all the faster as a result that morning. The pounding of the pavement beneath his feet jerked his legs until it was quite uncomfortable and he was pulling his hair off his sweat slicked forehead by the time he got back to his street. All the same, it made him feel good. Less sullied. Less tarnished and weak.

 

The rest of the day was spent with his kitchen table spread with papers and his back groaning in protest as he bent over one paper after another. He scratched out sentences that made no sense and added questions and suggestions to the margins. It was clear half of these had been done the night before with the help of numerous energy drinks and a fair amount of panic. He tried not to let it bother him too much.

 

The following weekdays were dire. He did all the things that you were meant to catch up on. He got his hair trimmed (though not very much – he wanted his ears permanently covered). He started a new book – a crime thriller that left him in no doubt of the killer after the first three chapters. He fired off several texts to Phasma and Hux that he had been meaning to respond to. And finally he came to the very dregs of boredom: he started to clean.

 

Kylo liked order and army life had imprinted that on him even further but he wasn’t fanatical about dust. Yet when he had the time to look, he would notice things that he had never done before. How the bookcases needed a good polish, the shower was developing the slightest hint of limescale and the curtain looked hideously when the light hit it a certain way. Hux had often listed it as another reason why the two of them living together had been a disaster – when Kylo was bored, he looked for things to do. And he didn’t just do them when they were found – he dissected them. He still wasn’t sure whether to laugh or wince at the memory of Hux’s reaction when he’d come back to their flat after visiting his father and found that Kylo had been bored enough to colour co-ordinate the fridge.

 

Still… it was something to do.

 

Monday and Tuesday were spent scrubbing the bathroom and kitchen in a manner that warranted a hazmat suit. By Wednesday, he started rifling through his wardrobe. Half the clothes in here didn’t get worn, he reasoned, may as well go to the local charity shop. He was sure there was some six foot twelve sudo-goth that would appreciate his cast-offs.

 

He always felt oddly satisfied donating his old clothes. It gave him a sense of fulfilment and he needed all the doses of that he could take. There was a rather eclectic amount of charity shops only a few streets away; he’d take them there.

 

Walking down the street with two black bags bulging, he stumbled into a charity shop which seemed to house everything from old crockery to books to shoes and clothes. There was a distinct smell about the place like it was the house of an elderly person. Kylo would have bet his last penny that the majority of donations came from members of a family cleaning out the house of a deceased relative. It was a rather sobering thought.

 

He went to the counter and dropped the bags by the counter where a woman smiled gratefully and nodded her thanks. She was younger than the normal employees that he saw shambling about but seemed keen and smiley which was what you desperately need if you’re going to work in customer service.

 

Kylo looked around as he made to leave and stopped. With their back turned to him, he saw a petite figure perusing the bookcase with interest. A petite figure with three buns in her hair.

 

She hadn’t seen him as her attention was wrapped up in finding a bargain. Kylo looked from her to the door.

 

He could leg it. Dash out and back up the street without being spotted. But that felt… wrong. Avoiding her when he knew she was there felt as rude and unfair as if he openly snubbed her on the street.

 

Sighing, he started to inch, rather reluctantly but with no intention of doing anything else, forward.

 

He cleared his throat. “Anything good?”

 

Rey whipped around and smiled at the sight of him. She had a wonderful smile – uninhibited, wide and showing off her perfect teeth. His own teeth were slightly crooked and he didn’t smile much.

 

Phasma was always nagging him to. She claimed he had a sweet smile. He claimed that she needed to lay off the wine.

 

“Dr Ren. Where have you been? I haven’t seen you for days.”

 

“Just… cleaning.” It felt odd to explain his absence now. He couldn’t tell her the truth and looking into her hazel eyes made him forget all his inner difficulties. Talking to her made everything seem… less horrible and dark.

 

“Donating too?”

 

“Naturally.”

 

Rey nodded as though this pleased her. “That’s good. I’m often in here. I get the majority of my clothes from charity stores. You get some good bargains.”

 

“Well, a guy in mourning or a trainee ninja are in for quite a windfall with mine.” Kylo quipped.

 

Rey chuckled and turned back to the bookcase. All the books were dog-eared and rather battered. This was good of course. Kylo never trusted a pristine copy of a book; it meant no-one had read it or attempted to. A book with pages falling out normally meant it had a story worth revisiting.

 

There were a lot of trashy romance novels with historical spins. There were more Regency bodice rippers than Kylo could count. And a few _Fifty Shades of Grey_. Why the hell anyone would want a second hand copy of _that_ …

 

“No new ones.” Rey sighed. “You can sometimes get quite a windfall. I had the entire Lord of the Ring series here once for £1.” She straightened up and shrugged. “Oh well, I’ve got a good selection.” Kylo noticed for the first time that Rey was clutching a pair of jeans and a t-shirt on her arm. Clearly her spoils for the day.

 

Kylo couldn’t help but dawdle as she paid and walked out with her.

 

“You are a charity shop chic then, are you?” He asked conversationally.

 

Rey nodded. “I’ve never had much money to spend. The foster homes weren’t keen on giving us pocket money. Maz tries to give me more now than I’ve ever had but she isn’t rolling in it either. Besides, there is a sense of triumph when you find something good. A right little scavenger I am.”

 

“You… you’re not struggling, are you?” It left a hollow feeling in his gut at the thought of her struggling to get by. Rey’s face seemed to set and it seemed haughtier, tougher.

 

“No.” She said. “I have everything I need. I just don’t need much. I work for Maz and she pays me a wage. But the majority of that is put into savings. And I need those savings. For if I get into University. Getting to the stars ain’t cheap.”

 

There was no self-pity in her tone. No whining or feeling of being ill-used. Rey was clearly not ashamed of her lack of luxuries.

 

“Is Maz good to you?”

 

“Of course she is!” Rey exclaimed as though offended. “She’s amazing. The sort of mother that I’ve always wanted. She… she didn’t need to take in me and Finn. I used to… well, I got into fights a lot in the foster homes. I didn’t start them,” she interjected quickly and a touch of defensiveness in her tone and eyes, “I just defended what was mine. Some of the boys liked to nick our stuff if they could. And I wasn’t having it. I was quite tough. Knocked a few people flat.” She did seem, to Kylo’s amusement, a little proud of this before her face clouded. “But the heads of the fostering didn’t see it like that. There was this one, Unkar Plutt, who wanted me to stay where I was. He always talked potential foster parents out of taking me on. Made out I was a raving lunatic. I’m not stupid; he had a mechanics shop on the side and thought he could get me working for him for a slave’s wage. Didn’t work with Maz though,” she smiled at the memory, “she seemed to have his number straight away. Asked to see me again. Chose me above all the others. Then she took in Finn around the same time. And I had a friend after all those years...”

 

Rey seemed to be swallowing something hard and Kylo quickly averted his gaze. He hates people’s eyes on him when he’s feeling weak.

 

“It sounds like you have what you need then.” He supplied hoarsely.

 

“I do.” Rey said with more composure. “As soon as I’m able, I’ll be able to go to University which isn’t very far away so I can stay at home. I don’t want to leave my family. I’ve been waiting for so long… Before you know it, I’ll be a proper Han Solo!”

 

Kylo winced. Not for the first time, he raged inside himself at the unfairness of the world that this girl, who was fast becoming a friend despite all obstacles, had to be so enamoured with a man as unworthy as his father.

 

“Are you OK, Doctor?” Rey was looking at him confused. “You look a bit pale.”

 

“I’m fine.” Kylo amended quickly. “Just a bit tired. I get a bit… carried away with my cleaning.” He thought back to his disinfectant smelling kitchen and the frantic scrubbing he had subjected it to just last night.

 

“You should learn to relax. You never bloody stop.”

 

_Can’t stop. If I stop, I’ll never start again._

 

They reached the crossroads where one led to Kylo’s apartment and the other back in the general direction of Maz’s Palace.

 

“You gonna pop in for some food? You look like you need it.” Rey coaxed.

 

“No.” Kylo said quickly. “I’m… I’m fine. A lot to do. Things to… to clean.” It fell flat between them and Rey sighed as though rather expectant of that answer. Rey went to turn away. “I… I might be hungry later.”

 

Rey looked over her shoulder and smiled. She nodded and then walked down the street back towards Maz’s Palace. Kylo turned and began to walk back to his apartment.

 

Well, he’d only just cleaned the cooker-hood. It would be a shame to dirty it so soon, he reasoned. As for the light feeling at the prospect of the afternoon that he’d not had all week, Kylo chose not to inspect that too closely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you leave kudos and comments, I'm yours for life.


	8. E i g h t

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr: https://waterlilyrose.tumblr.com/

Autumn break ended and Kylo was given back the joy of having something to do and somewhere to go every day. A tempest of rain and fog seemed to hang over the college and lashed the windows of his office as he went about his work. The sound was a soothing thing; it reminded him of his uncle’s house. He hadn’t been acquainted with weather that could turn nasty at the drop of a hat when he’d first been sent to London. The sun and heat of California seemed a million miles away from the concrete pavements that never seemed to dry from the last bout of rain before the next came. Yet the low lit lamps of his bedside table and his latest read in his hand made the thrashing of the rain and the howling of the wind a very calming thing. It made closing his eyes feel less daunting and Kylo found himself closing his eyes at his desk almost involuntary. He’d like to be locked in a house with the rain always at the window. He could live a happy life with only bad weather for company. He was sure of it. But not as sure as he used to be…

 

He wished he knew why.

 

He spent most of the time back in the cafe as a result to bumping into Rey at the charity shops. It felt stupid to ignore her now. And wrong. Uncomfortable. Itchy.

 

He spent most of his time doodling in his notebook over ideas that finally felt like they were flowing in the right places. His vision was finally gaining words and it felt good. Plus the chicken special that Maz had introduced was delicious.

 

Rey often took her break with a cup of tea at his table and discussed the essays that Korr Sella had given the class. Although he never saw any of them, she discussed their outline and her ideas. They all sounded fresh and interesting so Ren rarely pointed out anything that he thought should go or needed adding. Only to warn her to make sure her grammar was up to scratch. A student had used text talk in some of their analysis once and he still didn’t feel clean a thousand showers later.

 

The storm had brought something to his attention. Rey, clearly a summer child through and through, seemed to love the rain. He caught her staring out of the window in awe at the rain beating at the windows or standing underneath the college awnings and watching in wonder. He saw her once, from the view from the window in his office, sticking her hand out and letting the rain hit her palm. There was a kind of childish delight in the result of a wet palm that it gifted her.

 

But her winter-wear was sufficiently lacking. She wore a battered tan leather jacket that looked like it might once had belonged to Finn and much too big for her. It was fine in the milder months but it was definitely getting colder and much much wetter. And on more than one occasion he saw her looking very damp in the college corridors. He wanted to take her to the side. Ask her why she insisted on wearing that thing. But Rey and him didn’t talk in college. If they crossed paths, she’d smile brightly and he’d nod but that was it.

 

In the walls of the college, they were student and doctor. Outside of it, they were… well, Kylo and Rey. He couldn’t think of anything else for it.

 

But he hated her position. It was a constant reminder of how young she was. Eighteen, yes, but still a student in his college. He was in a position of trust and the mere fact that she wasn’t his student and he didn’t mark her papers was beginning to become a thin argument. He never associated with pupils, he made a point of it. Maybe it was a childish reaction to Dameron’s own ‘my door is always open’ policy. It was a dangerous one in Kylo’s mind.

 

Kylo had heard all the warnings. Taken all the relevant classes. Been through all the background checks. It was part and parcel of becoming a teacher apparently.

 

He'd sat at the back of the classroom, trying not to roll his eyes, as a woman with all the charm of a serial killer droned on about codes of conduct, red flags and how temptation could destroy the most promising career. Teenagers were to be treated like a different species if Kylo or any of his fellow teachers were to maintain a happy life.

 

He'd been twenty-four, hot on the heels of pursuing a Masters degree in English and fresh out of his anger management courses at the insistence of his mother. He felt calm and confident. Almost cocky. The idea that he would piss away his entire life for the sake of some doe-eyed teenager twirling her hair was almost laughable.

 

Now he reminded himself that he’d done none of the forbidden things that were listed. He reminded himself that being friendly with a student wasn’t against anything he’d been taught. But he still tended to forget whenever he saw her bright white teeth in an uninhibited smile.

 

* * *

 

It was the middle of November when finally Kylo broached the subject to Rey about her lack of proper coat. Mainly when she traipsed into the cafe absolutely ringing with rain water. She didn’t seem too sad about it though.

 

“Alright, Doctor Ren?” She smiled in her usual greeting and dripping water all over the laminate floor.

 

“Um, fine thank you. Shouldn’t you be wearing a decent coat?”

 

“I’m wearing one.” She showcased her currently sodden tan jacket.

 

“Not fit for this weather.”

 

“Oh, it will do.” Rey dismissed.

 

“You’ll catch your death. That thing isn’t fit for rags!”

 

Rey’s expression hardened and Kylo bit his cheek. He hadn’t meant for it to come out quite so harshly.

 

“Believe it or not, we’re not all rolling in money to just flit away.” Rey explained haughtily. She had a way of saying things that stopped even the most stubborn of arguments.

 

Rey went about her shift with a sterner look on her face than usual and seemed to be avoiding Kylo’s eye. Kylo wasn’t in the mood to be ignored today.

 

Going to the counter so she had to look at him, Kylo put down his bill and the money for it. Rey went to take it but he put his hand over it so she couldn’t just put it in the till without talking to him.

 

“Look, I’m sorry if that came out wrong but you know I’m right. You’re going to get ill without a decent coat.”

 

Rey looked up at him and there must have been something about his face that looked less unsure than usual as her cheeks turned rosy and she averted her eyes as though nervous. Or shy.

 

“I know. But a proper winter coat is expensive. And I can’t justify spending that much money. Plus Maz needs all the money she can get. She never complains about it but I know things can be tight at times. It’s not cheap fostering two kids.”

 

“I see.” Kylo looked down at his hands. He suddenly felt the urge to thrust his hand into his pocket and dump all the spare change on himself on her lap. He always tried to leave a tip but Rey had never taken it. Things were different in Britain and while tips were welcome they weren’t compulsory. Especially in a cafe. He knew this of course but wished that he didn’t.

 

Besides, if he acted on impulse, he knew Rey wouldn’t take kindly to it. She may shop in charity shops but there was a fine line between charity and pity and she was a proud thing if nothing else.

 

It was a week when Kylo looked out of the window of his office and saw Rey waiting for the bus. She was now shivering.

 

He turned on his computer and got to work before he could think about how many ways this was crazy.

 

* * *

 

Kylo was dumping another load of stuff off at the charity shop a week later when Rey came in. Okay, he’d overheard her mentioning her intent to go when she’d been tidying up with Finn and he had been loitering for nearly half an hour over various water-stained books. But that was irrelevant. Really, it was.

 

He hadn’t liked any of the jumpers he’d dropped off anyway.

 

“Back again, Doctor Ren?” Rey greeted.

 

“Thought I’d see if there were any classics.”

 

“Anything?”

 

“Four new copies of 50 Shades of Grey.”

 

“No, then.”

 

“None at all.”

 

The back and forth brought a wry smile to his face which he covered by turning away.

 

“Scavenging again?”

 

“Thought I’d see what the place has to offer. They get new donations a lot this close to Christmas. This place always has something decent anyway.” She gave the girl behind the counter, Jess her name badge said, a smile which was returned.

 

“There’s a bunch of new stuff on that rack over there.” Jess pointed out a stand.

 

Rey went into the rails and could only be heard and not seen for a while.

 

“I got a lot of praise for the essay on _Canterbury Tales.”_ She said.

 

“Did you now?” Korr Sella had given him the essay to look at. It was university standard. He’d waited until he was back in his office and the door was closed to start smiling.

 

“Yeah. Reckons I should pass the exams no bother.”

 

“A good sign then.”

 

“Well, she’s not as strict marking as you are.”

 

“I’m not strict.”

 

“There’s a reason people in my aerospace class get teary-eyed when your name is brought up!”

 

Kylo rolled his eyes. “There will be a lot worse than me out there when they leave college.”

 

“True. But they don’t know that – oh!”

 

Rey stopped clanking the coat hangers as she pushed clothes aside. Kylo looked around to see her pull something off the rack.

 

It was a coat. Long and almost an army style. Navy blue and very smart. And it looked warm.

 

Rey stroked it like she’d never seen anything so lovely. “Oh, isn’t this lovely?” She breathed.

 

“Very nice.” Kylo commented looking at it appraisingly. “Suitable for winter too?”

 

“And it’s my size!” Rey beamed. “Oh my God, I’ve never got this lucky before in this shop.”

 

“Must be some fashion designer cleaning out their closet.” Kylo shrugged. “I’d get it. It beats your leather jacket.”

 

It was £10 but was clearly worth a great deal more. Rey gave the money willingly. She had the coat on before she was out of the shop.

 

“Oh it fits perfect!” He’d never seen her so happy and pleased. It was infectious.

 

“Well, at least I don’t have to nag you anymore about your dress sense.”

 

“Damn right, you don’t!” She beamed. “I’m gonna show Finn. Pop by the cafe later? We’re introducing a ginger bread latte for Christmas.”

 

“It’s still November!”

 

“Marketing for you. Everything starts earlier now. See you later!” And with that, she ran down the road, with her coat tails fluttering behind her.

 

Kylo watched her run away and stuck his hands in his pocket. Something was digging into his palm.

 

He pulled it out. It was the tag for the coat.

 

He sighed. It had probably been way over the top but it had felt the only way. When he’d searched online for coats, he’d found the army coat and hit ‘Buy’ before he’d had a chance to think.

 

It was tailor-made and cost close to a hundred and fifty pounds. But could be passed to a charity shop that he knew she frequented in an upmarket part of town.

 

Kylo looks through the window at Jess who smiled slyly back.

 

It had cost him a lot of awkward cajoling to get her to agree to take the coat and hide it until today. Then put it to the back of the rack so no-one else would find it. He’d still stood guard to make sure only Rey would find it.

 

He should chuck the label away yet it was a part of Rey’s coat. Now a part of Rey.

 

He put it back in his pocket.

 

He was running out of excuses.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are all I ask for.


	9. N i n e

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr: https://waterlilyrose.tumblr.com/

Kylo had been spotting the slow increase of tinsel since before Halloween. He’d made a valiant attempt to ignore it no matter how shiny and hard it was to miss. He courteously ordered a gingerbread latte from Maz but had insisted they leave all other attempts at merriment behind the counter. He’d absolutely refused to have a tree in his office and made sure he was busy marking on the night of the college choir’s carol service. But now, with the big day only two weeks away and the term coming to a close, he knew he was beaten.

 

Christmas was fast approaching.

 

Kylo sighed. He loathed Christmas.

 

That being said he’d never been overly fond of the holiday even as a child. He couldn't remember believing in Santa. When people talked about a bearded man living in a cold climate giving gifts he just assumed Uncle Luke was flying from London again. And then there had been that awful Christmas which meant he would forever associate reindeer and fake snow with despair and broken relationships.

 

It was all the other things of course. Things you notice as an adult. The utter pointlessness of bringing woodland into your living room and decorating it with bright lights. The lack of good songs on the radio from about November 1st. The utter waste of money on gifts you didn’t want to buy for people you don’t like but do it anyway because, hell, it’s _Christmas_!

 

But worst of all, absolutely the worst of all, was the phone calls. The tentative overly chirpy phone calls that he would receive from his mother.

 

“ _Are you coming home this year, Ben?”_

 

Why must it always come? Why did she always have to ask?

 

Things had been oddly okay lately. He’d stopped avoiding her calls and had managed a ten-minute discussion with her every Sunday night for a month. It was mainly mindless chatter: ‘Was he still writing in his spare time?’ (He was) or ‘Have you seen the latest series of Peaky Blinders?’ (He hadn’t) but it worked. In small doses, it seemed to work. Kylo didn’t feel as shaky after a call and she didn’t sound as though she was on the verge of screaming anymore. But that would end when she asked the inevitable question and got the inevitable answer: “No, Mom.”

 

There would be a pause, an echoing silence, a resigned ‘I see’ and a hasty goodbye.

 

They wouldn’t attempt to pick up the phone again until well after New Year’s Eve.

 

Why must it be like this? Why couldn’t they carry on as they were? Distant yet closer than ever. Even if the closeness didn’t amount to much.

 

In the past, Leia had been known to actually beg Kylo.

 

“Please, Ben,” she said in that tired voice that he hated so much, “you don’t have to stay over the holidays. Just the actual day. And you can sleep at a hotel if you really want to. I just want to see you! And your father does too.”

 

Those fatal last words put the tin hat on it for Kylo.

 

Because there was truth in the fact that Kylo probably would go back to America if it was only to see his mother. His bitterness and resentment for her total lack of response when he’d needed it most had begun to fade with the years and he was now forced to feel a sort of pity. Compassion even.

 

But the idea of sitting at a dinner table, eating turkey, pulling crackers and generally pretending to be a perfect family with _him..._ no, there was absolutely no way.

 

Kylo hadn't spoken to his father for well over ten years. It was a good thing for Kylo and he was sure that Han wasn’t exactly heartbroken either. Yet Kylo just knew that even with his parents being divorced his mother would want his father there. There was even some hints that maybe his father still spent the Christmas holidays with his ex-wife. They always got on better when they really shouldn’t.

 

Kylo had his own tradition for Christmas. He would close the curtains all day and stay in the dark. He would light low lamps and read whatever took his fancy. He would order Chinese food and drink scotch. He would be the complete opposite of merry and would take a sort of savage glee in it.

 

He liked it. It was a nice change. So why did people look at him like he was suddenly sporting two heads for admitting he didn’t celebrate Christmas at all?

 

A lot of people hated the holidays and moaned about so many aspects yet no-one actually wanted to stop celebrating and doing the things they claimed to hate. It was the rules. The family was expecting it. What about the children?

 

Well, he had no children and no family so therefore there were no rules. Simple.

 

Whenever the season felt like it threatened to overwhelm him, he would look out of his office window or venture down to the aerospace auditorium. Rey would often be there, talking, laughing, reading and just living and always wearing her coat. The sight of the blue coat sheltering her slim frame from the cold was enough to make even the worst of moods lift. It also stopped the guilt of his double-dealing. Not to mention the sometimes stifling panic and paranoia that someone would find out just how much he was willing to spend on a student.

 

If anyone found out, he’d have some serious explaining to do. And he wasn’t sure if he was capable of explaining.

 

It was almost a relief to go back to hating Christmas.

 

Rey clearly did not share his sentiments.

 

He walked into Maz’s Palace in the first week of December to see her sporting tinsel in her hair and a pair of atrocious battery operated light up earrings. In the shape of Christmas puddings.

 

“What in God’s name are you wearing?” He asked as a means of a greeting.

 

“Tis the season to be jolly, Scrooge.” She smiled.

 

A part of Kylo wanted to recoil. He should have known she’d be a Christmas nut.

 

He skirted the issue of Christmas for a good chunk of December before she had him cornered.

 

“Is it weird having Christmas in a warm place?” She asked, as she topped up his coffee one day.

 

“Huh?” He had been doodling in his notebook and didn’t understand where such an odd question had come from.

 

“In America. Los Angeles is pretty hot, isn’t it?”

 

“Yeah, pretty hot.” He mumbled.

 

“Well, is it weird? Christmas is meant to be all about snow and stuff.”

 

“I don’t know. I’ve never paid much attention.”

 

“But you do go back to America? Don’t you?” Her voice suddenly sounded almost uncertain.

 

Kylo put down his pen. “No. I haven’t gone back for a while.”

 

“What?” Rey put down the coffee pot as though afraid she may drop it. “But it’s Chri-”

 

“Not everybody likes Christmas, Rey. And there’s no law that I have to either. And I haven’t really got anyone to go back to anyway. So, no, I stay here.”

 

He waited for her to burst into protest and sing the praises of the season of goodwill. Instead she slips into the booth and sits opposite him.

 

“So, you’re all alone?” Her eyes were wide. Appalled. Pitying. No!

 

“I’m not… alone. Being alone doesn’t automatically mean lonely. I like solitude. It suits me.”

 

“I know that but...” Rey bit her lip, “to spend Christmas completely alone...”

 

“Considering the day means nothing to me and I don’t like many people, it really doesn’t upset me much.”

 

“Yes, that’s true, but...” Rey looked like she was choosing her words carefully. “you’ve never gone back home?”

 

“It was never my home. This is my home. I’m myself here. I like it here.”

 

Rey considered then nodded. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have assumed. Everyone is different.”

 

“You’re not the first. You won’t be the last. I take it you are a Christmas advocate since birth.”

 

“Not at all.” Kylo looked at her closely and she smiled wryly. Almost sadly. “This will be my third Christmas with Maz but she was the first to show me what a celebration it can be. I actually get presents. People to celebrate with.” Her eyes suddenly looked overwhelmed as though still not believing it to be true.

 

If she knew that Kylo refused to go home to his family out of pride… if she even found out who his father was…

 

“Sounds like a wonderful Christmas. But Christmas doesn’t provide happy memories for me and I’m too old to change my ways now.” Kylo reasoned gently.

 

“Don’t you spend it with friends?” Rey asked.

 

Kylo wrinkled his nose. Hux and Phasma had a tendency to spend the day together and he didn’t fancy gatecrashing. He had no other friends to speak of.

 

“It’s a time for family.” He dismissed instead of admitting his woeful personal life.

 

“Don’t your teaching staff have a Christmas do?”

 

Kylo didn’t even hide his contempt at this. “I’m not going to _that!”_ He knew what Christmas parties were like: someone inevitably got knocked up in the stationary cupboard, someone had a fight and they all woke up swearing off alcohol.

 

Rey twisted her mouth grimly. “Well, we have a little do on the 22nd December in the cafe. It’s not a party but there’s a lot of food and we sing and stuff...” Rey trailed off looking embarrassed then seemed to charge herself back up. “You could come to that.”

 

Kylo shifted. “I don’t think I’m a party person.”

 

“Have you ever been to party?” Rey asked shrewdly.

 

“Sadly yes.” He remembered the student bars he’d attempted once or twice with Hux.

 

“Well… just think about it.” Rey jumped up. “Anything has got to be better than being on your own.” And before he could argue further, she sprinted off to mop up the tables.

 

* * *

 

Kylo spent that night trying to read a book in bed without much success. His mind kept whirling around Rey’s words.

 

It wasn’t an invitation. It wasn’t! It was just a compassionate act. Not something to dwell over.

 

He couldn’t go to a party with her there. There was a line there that would be crossed. They weren’t friends!

 

Yet the thought of Christmas alone suddenly felt more daunting.

 

He tried to focus on the book instead. It was a rather dull thriller and a sex scene had just started to unfold. He normally didn’t give a shit about that sort of stuff (read one love scene, read them all, he surmised) but he was disgusted to notice that his joggers were beginning to tent.

 

With a frustrated sigh, he threw the book aside. When his half erect cock wouldn’t disappear just from glaring at it, he admitted defeat and pushed down his sleep pants.

 

Kylo tended to forget about sex a lot. His tablets had the side effect of making any amorous activity feel distasteful and give him the libido of a monk. He wanked out of necessity (as all men did).

 

He’d only had sex three times. Three times with three different people and it had always been disappointing. He’d lost his virginity at nineteen at a college party. He’d been a bit drunk and felt burdened by his virgin status. He’d wanted rid of it so when a pretty blonde had shown an interest, he’d taken it.

 

It had been over quickly and had been a huge disappointment. He didn’t even get the girl’s number afterwards. He’d walked home feeling like he was more of a freak than ever. Surely it was meant to be mind-blowing?

 

He’d tried twice more (once with a girl in his English class from university and once with a girl that Hux had set him up on a date with) before finally deciding that maybe everyone else was lying. Maybe sex was just something people did to make themselves feel better. Maybe it worked for them. It didn’t work for him. And he had sworn that he would never do anything he didn’t want to do. Why was this any different?

 

So he’d been celibate since and didn’t feel the worse for it. Except for these rather annoying side effects.

 

Taking himself in hand, he shut his eyes and ran his hand up and down his shaft.

 

_He imagined long slender legs wrapped around his waist. Skin as soft as satin. And golden against his pale complexion. Tall yet petite. He’d dwarf her in size._

 

_They’d be pressed against each other and he would kiss every inch of her neck. Her little breathy moans would dance in his ear. Her brown hair fanned across the pillows._

 

This was happening much quicker than usual, Kylo mused as his balls began to tighten, best speed it up.

 

_The inside of her body would be as hot as a furnace. Her cheeks, freckled around the nose, would be flushed red and sweat would cling to her forehead. She’d whimper almost pathetically as he thrust harder, making her small tits bounced._

 

_Her nails bit into his back as she curled around his body as though trying to hide away and never let him go at the same time. His own peak was coming and he was raising towards it. This wasn’t something to fear. She’d accept this and look after his spend. Nestled in her tiny body._

 

_He arched his back and cried out without thinking in blind ecstasy._

 

“ _Rey!”_

 

His spend splatter over his hand and onto his abdomen and the aftershocks had only just stopped making him tremble when his eyes flew open.

 

He’d… he’d called out…

 

Kylo staggered off the bed and shed his clothes like they were stopping him from breathing. He turned on the shower up as hot as he could stand and scrubbed like he could scrub his brain clean.

 

What the fuck? What was wrong with him?

 

His skin was pink from scrubbing and hot water before he left the shower. He never felt less clean in his life.

 

He sat up staring into nothingness on his bed for a long time. He nearly jumped out of his skin when the phone rang. He picked it up without looking to see who the caller was.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Ben. It’s Mom.”

 

Kylo didn’t groan internally. For the first time, he was happy to hear her voice. It was a distraction; even if it gave him a completely different feeling of unease.

 

They went through the motions of their usual discussions without Kylo truly concentrating. Eventually his mother cleared her throat.

 

“So… Christmas.”

 

Kylo made a murmur of ascent as though this was something they discussed every week. The acid bubbling in his stomach was ignored as best he could.

 

“Have you… made any plans?”

 

“No.” Kylo admitted. “I never do anything for Christmas. I don’t like the holiday.”

 

A pause. “Ben… please consider… please come home. Just a visit. I’ll pay for the ticket. It would mean… so much.”

 

Kylo was prepared to shoot out the rejection of the idea like he did every year. Yet his throat wasn’t working like it was supposed to.

 

His mind strayed back to Rey.

 

Rey who had never had a family. Rey who thought Christmas alone was the worst thing you could experience. Rey who symbolised a flicker of purity that he’d never witnessed before.

 

In a mad desperate moment, he wanted to do something to wipe away the smear of his lustful actions. Pay homage to her goodness. Not sully it.

 

And she loved Christmas with her new family.

 

“Okay.”

 

It came out in a whisper and Leia had to ask him to repeat it. Possibly she didn’t believe it herself.

 

“Okay. I’ll visit.”

 

Xxx

 

It was only as Kylo received an email confirmation of his plane ticket that the true reality of his situation hit him.

 

He’d agreed to go to his parents. He’d agreed to spend a holiday he hated in the company of two strangers.

 

He must have been out of his mind.

 

He packed and repacked his overnight bag about ten times. He still had six days before his flight and yet sped up to reveal another day far too soon. He actually took the clock off the kitchen wall on the third day.

 

He felt frantic. He scrubbed and cleaned every inch of his apartment until the bleach smell was so strong his eyes stung. He ran continuously to try and burn off some energy. He couldn’t even handle food and didn’t visit the cafe for days.

 

On the plus side (if you could call it that) his mounting fear and terror was a great distraction from his fantasy of Rey.

 

His sleeping suffered and many times he screamed into his pillow.

 

This was meant to be a step forward. He’d been urged to get back in touch with his family for years. So why did he feel like it was setting him further back than it was safe to go?

 

It would destroy Leia if he didn’t go. But it would destroy him if he did.

 

* * *

 

The night before his flight, he walked for hours. Kylo was so jittery that the smallest noises made him jump and he found it impossible to make eye contact with people. He put his head down and walked faster as he tried to work off this mad energy.

 

It was getting much chillier by the time he turned up Takodana Street and found himself approaching a lot of noise. There were a variety of cheesy Christmas songs blasting from behind the doors of Maz’s Palace. Slowly, tentatively, he approached the lit window of the cafe and looked in.

 

The shabby cafe was like a grotto. There was tinsel and fairy lights draped all over the surfaces and a huge pine tree covered in decorations that looked as though it was in danger of poking a hole through the ceiling. Maz was wearing her traditional dungarees but was sporting a Christmas hat and looked rather merry as she sat on the counter, nursing what looked like a very generous scotch. Finn was singing along with almost alarming gusto to the music blasting ‘Fairytale of New York’ while also trying to eat a sausage roll. There were various people there that Kylo recognised as regulars and many that he didn’t. Probably friends from across the years.

 

He barely noticed them. He couldn’t see her. Where was she?

 

“Doctor Ren!”

 

Kylo whirled around his heart pumping nineteen to the dozen. Rey was standing behind him. She was wearing a silly Santa hat and clutching a black bin bag. She’d clearly been in the process of taking the rubbish out to the curb. He hadn’t kept an eye on the back gate onto the street.

 

Her cheeks were pink and her eyes twinkling. She looked like she had been quite generous with her spirits but not inebriated.

 

She… looked wonderful.

 

Yet Kylo wanted to back away. Run down the road. Hide in house and never come out again.

 

“Rey. I...”

 

“Where’ve you been? It’s been days! I was getting worried.” Rey shook her head. “But never mind! You came!”

 

“Came?”

 

“To the party.”

 

Kylo looked back at the window and at the view it gave to the cafe inside. Had he? Had he come to join?

 

“Ummm…”

 

“Come inside. You look freezing.” Rey took his wrist and the feel of her skin on his made goose-flesh rise further on his arm. She was pulling him towards the door. And a part of him wanted to come in. To join the fun. To be a part of the party in every way.

 

But he was immovable. He couldn’t go in. He couldn’t be like everyone else. Because he wasn’t.

 

It wasn’t a fact that had bothered him for years but now he wanted to be. He wanted to join this lovely girl, and just have a drink, and not worry, and have a good time. He didn’t want to worry about her status. He didn’t want to worry about catching a flight to a place he never wanted to go. He didn’t want to have to take tablets to cope with the everyday.

 

He wanted to be free. He wanted to be normal.

 

“Doctor Ren?” Kylo looked away from the window and back at Rey. Her hand was still around his wrist but not insistently. More like she was cradling it. And her face, so pleased and jolly only a second ago, now looked concerned and anxious. “Are you okay? You don't… you don’t look well.”

 

He looked down at the hand on his wrist. So small. Yet so strong. So much stronger than him.

 

“I can’t. I can’t go inside. I don’t belong there.” Kylo looked down the street. Back to where his home was. But he didn’t want to go there either. He was lost and confused. Humiliatingly, tears sprang to his eyes.

 

Rey touched his arm. “There’s a little backyard through the gate. It’s not much but there’s a bench. Sit there. Wait there. I’ll be back.”

 

Kylo watched her scamper off through the door. He looked dumbly at the back gate that led into darkness. He trudged down the alley.

 

The backyard was just that. It was too small and completely concrete with a shed and the window of the back-room providing light. But there had been some clear attempts to pretty it up. There were potted plants of dead flowers that undoubtedly bloomed in the summer and hanging baskets in much the same state. The most blatant attempt was the presence of an antique metal bench. It was pretty and as out of place in this concrete backyard as a lily in a field of poppies. It made Kylo like it all the more.

 

He sat down on the bench and took the time to furiously wipe his eyes and practise the art of calm breathing. He’d embarrassed himself enough.

 

The back-door reopened and Rey re-emerged with two steaming mugs in her hand and paper plate in her other. It was piled with food.

 

“Here.” She handed the plate to Kylo. There were a variety of sandwiches, cocktail sausages, crisps, cakes and chicken pieces on it. “Eat something. You look like you need some food.”

 

Kylo wrinkled his nose but the look on Rey’s face brokered no argument. He took a ham sandwich and nibbled it.

 

He managed to eat a quarter of the platter before Rey looked remotely satisfied. She then handed him one of the steamy mugs.

 

“It’s salted caramel latte. The sugar will calm you and the milk with fill you up a bit.” She instructed. “Plus it’s delicious.”

 

He took a mug and put it to his lips. The sugar certainly stopped his last tremors and was really rather good. Rey and him sipped their coffee for a few seconds.

 

“Are you okay?” She asked kindly.

 

“I’m fine. I just… find people difficult to deal with. And I’ve had a lot on my mind lately.” Kylo fiddled with his mug.

 

“Anything I can help with?”

 

Kylo wanted to scoff but that would be rude. So instead he shrugged.

 

“I… I plan to go home for Christmas.”

 

“To your family? Well, that’s wonderful!” Rey exclaimed. Kylo winced. “Isn’t it?” She suddenly sounded less sure.

 

“It should be. Everyone seems to think it’s what people do at Christmas. And I wanted to do something right for once.”

 

“Doctor… Kylo.” Kylo looked up. Rey was looking at him intently. She’d never called him his first name before. “Are you scared?”

 

Kylo looked off into the distance. He nodded.

 

“I know you will think worse of me for admitting it, but I don’t think my family can be a functional one.”

 

“Did they make you unhappy?”

 

“You could say that.” He took a deep drink of his drink.

 

Rey was quiet for a while. She seemed to be thinking. “I’ve spent a lot of time unhappy. It’s a poisonous thing. And if you aren’t ready… maybe this is something that should wait.”

 

He looked at her in amazement. “You believe family is everything!”

 

“I still do. But I believe that happiness is also important. And you don’t look happy. Far from happy.”

 

Kylo sighed. He didn’t know if happiness was attainable for him.

 

“You should go back to the party. They’ll be missing you.”

 

“Nah.” Rey dismissed. “Finn won’t be happy until he’s sung every Cliff Richard song and Maz can’t see past her hand right now.”

 

“All the same. You belong in there.”

 

Rey shrugged. “Everyone’s been avoiding me anyway. They have been taking this a bit seriously.” She pulled the end of her hat forward. On the end where there was meant to be a bobble was a plastic mistletoe instead.

 

“Just take it off then.”

 

“Kinda ruins the feeling then.” Rey smiled.

 

“I’ve never been on the receiving end of that kind of thing anyway.” Kylo dismissed bringing his mug up to his lips.

 

“Oh well, we can’t have that!” Rey chortled.

 

Kylo turned his head. Which meant the kiss that was meant for his cheek brushed his lips instead.

 

They froze. Rey looked stunned and embarrassed. Her cheeks were blossoming with heat and her freckles were more pronounced.

 

Kylo urged his brain to work. It was an accident. A mistake. Easy to forget.

 

But her lips had been so soft. And Kylo wondered if he ran his tongue over his bottom lip if he could still taste her.

 

She was still too close. He was still too close. They should move away quickly. Splutter apologies.

 

Instead she kept looking at his lips and her eyes were now glassy. Or was that just how he must look reflected in her?

 

Before Kylo could make any decisions that would ruin his teaching career or indeed his life, there was a crash. They jumped apart and looked at the closed door. Someone had dropped a plate. And dropped reality back into the moment.

 

Rey shot up, straightened her clothes and spluttered out an excuse on checking everything was okay inside. She all but ran back inside. Kylo already knew that she would be dreading coming back so placed his mug slowly on the ground and walked silently out of the backyard.

 

* * *

 

The first thing he did when he got home was ring Hux. And asked him if he wanted to meet for a drinks at his flat on Christmas night. His friend sounded stunned but agreed. Apparently, Kylo could make sure Phasma didn’t get pissed on Prosecco this year.

 

The second thing he did was tear up his plane ticket.

 

Sometimes the right thing for everyone else wasn’t right for you.

 

This time, when he touched himself that night, he didn’t even try to not think about Rey.


	10. T e n

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys.
> 
> 1\. Hope you all enjoyed Star Wars Day! I tried to update in time for it but life has been super busy and I've been snowed under with it all. Writing has been next to impossible. 
> 
> 2\. The response from the last chapter was like nothing I've ever seen. I got 400 kudos in the space of ONE NIGHT!! Over a 1000 kudos overall. I cannot thank you enough. It was overwhelming and I still can't believe it! 
> 
> A huge thank you to http://thefaultinourauthorss.tumblr.com/ who made the beautiful template below and made a playlist on Spotify for this fic! The songs are perfect and beautiful. Give it a listen - you won't regret it! 
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/user/qqueendoms/playlist/5fhnzjqxlA6tIV4Oedigv1
> 
> This chapter is much shorter than usual but I liked it that way so thought I'd keep it short and sweet. Sometimes less is more. Hope you guys like it!

 

Kylo stood at the end of Takodana Street, looking down at his intended destination. Maz’s Palace was just down the road. Barely thirty steps.

 

He needed to show himself.

 

It had been six days since… well, whatever the hell you called it. He just categorised it in his head as The Incident. He hadn’t been in the cafe since. He could dismiss the first few days as being understandable. Christmas being just two days ago and all. And he genuinely had been left with a lot to mull over in that time.

 

He’d rung his mother and explained in rushed but firm tones why getting on the plane wasn’t going to happen. Oddly, she had taken the news much better than he’d anticipated. She seemed almost unsurprised. Like she knew it was never going to happen in the first place. But she had mentioned:

 

“Well, I got you to initially agree. That’s a start.”

 

Her voice was accepting and somehow that made it all the more painful for Kylo to listen to.

 

But a compromise had been forced on him. He had to give his address: Han wanted to write to him.

 

He’d been so stunned that he must have given it. It was only afterwards that he’d been forced to think over what he’d just done. His mother hadn’t revealed much information about his father’s intentions. Maybe because she didn’t know them. Though Kylo doubted that. His mother knew everything.

 

Christmas Day was the same as always. He ordered takeaway and read a good deal. Then at night, Phasma and Hux came around with what Kylo could only assume were canapés (though they looked like they could scuttle off the plate if you poked them) and three bottles of rather upmarket champagne. By ten o’clock, Kylo was actually laughing a bit as Phasma told the rather tragic tale of how Millicent pissed on her brand new rug and Hux was forgetting his stoic non-romantic stance on his relationship with Phasma by idly stroking her leg.

 

Kylo woke up in his armchair, with a dry mouth and a pounding headache the next morning. All in all, a rather good Christmas.

 

But still his mind wandered. Wandered down that street back to her.

 

He kept touching his lips. Kept running his tongue over them as though he could still taste her in some capacity. Ridiculous. Absurd. Yet he bemoaned his fate whenever he had to brush his teeth. What if the last taste of her was washed away?

 

He had also found that a damn had broken in regards to his ardour. While the self-recrimination of his actions remained, he could stop himself from taking himself in hand and imagining her. Imagining her sat astride him, underneath him, kneeling before him. In the living room, in the shower, over his office desk; nowhere seemed out of bounds for him or his imagination.

 

There was still a large part of him that despised this aspect of himself. Many times he almost felt sick. Yes, fine, she was of legal age and in the eyes of the law an adult but that was beside the point! She was still nearly a decade younger than him!

 

Yet he couldn’t deny it anymore. He wanted her. And not as a friend. He wanted her as the only one who could touch her. He wanted to know if her body was freckled, if she had raspberry or peach coloured nipples and if she had any pubic hair or whether she was clean shaven. He’d thought about this more than was healthy.

 

One step at a time, he forced his feet to walk down the street.

 

A part of him wanted to go home. He wanted to go back to his normal method of coping by hiding away. But he couldn’t. He needed to see her. Even if he was dreading it.

 

The cafe had a subdued feel to the place. The majority of customers looked hungover or tired or both from the festive celebrations. Now everyone was waiting for the New Year with not a clue what to do in the meantime. Except eat and shop.

 

Rey was behind the counter and seemed to be busy polishing the worktop. Her face seemed flushed with the vigour of cleaning yet as soon as she looked up and spotted Kylo in the doorway she seemed to go even redder. Her widened eyes reminded Kylo of the look on her face when their lips had touched by accident. He cursed himself; he’d been so preoccupied with his own feelings he hadn’t considered hers. Hadn’t considered the embarrassment and awkwardness that would flourish from her remembering her neurotic teacher’s most unflattering hour.

 

It didn’t help that all his bedtime activities meant the mere sight of her sent his imagination into overdrive.

 

Kylo moved almost reluctantly to his usual seat. He spent a lot longer inspecting his menu than was necessary. Especially as he didn’t intend to eat.

 

“What can I get you?”

 

Rey’s voice sounded almost calm. Almost normal. Kylo looked up to her standing next to the table, looking at her notepad with her pencil poised. She never wrote his order down now.

 

“Um… latte please.” He managed. She scribbled down a note. “Did… did you have a nice Christmas?” Look at me. Please look at me again.

 

Her eyes lifted and caught his briefly. She looked down again and her cheeks glowed again. “Yes. It was lovely. Did… did you?”

 

There was a hint of gentleness in her tone. As though her memory wouldn’t let her make this about her when she needed to know the answer.

 

“I did actually.”

 

“You didn’t go home.” It wasn’t a question and Rey looked up again. Her gaze was steadier now. “You couldn’t have got to and from America in this amount of time. Plus you look… calm.”

 

If anyone else had said this, he would have shut down. He hated being reminded of his weaker moments. It didn’t define him yet they were a part of his character. It would never go away and he hated being reminded of that little flaw. Yet there was no judgement in her face. No pity either. Just a need to know he was okay. And somehow… he was.

 

“I didn’t go home.” He agreed. “I spent it with friends. It was… different. But not unpleasant.”

 

Rey nodded. “Did your family...”

 

“They took it well enough.”

 

“Right.” Kylo wasn’t foolish enough to believe that Rey had totally changed her stance on family being the ultimate goal. Just as she couldn’t believe that he’d given up his theory that a life alone was safer and cleaner. That didn’t mean he wanted to fight. She believed what she believed. As did he. And that was fine.

 

Rey went away to get his coffee and Kylo breathed deeply.

 

When she put his coffee in front of him, he spoke.

 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean… I’m sorry.”

 

Rey blinked at him. She looked stunned then slowly she sat down in the booth opposite him.

 

“What are you apologizing for?”

 

“Everything. Some things. I don’t know. Just… I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable or like you… well, I’m sorry.”

 

“Kylo...” Again with his first name. It sounded musical in her mouth. “you don’t have to apologize for that. We all have moments of weakness. It doesn’t mean we are weak.”

 

Kylo let that thought comfort him even if it was a complete lie. She didn’t know just how chronically weak he was. But he wasn’t going to divulge that.

 

She didn’t know… and she didn’t need to know. Yet unlike his family secret (and he still cursed his father’s name for being the father of her imagination) he actually didn’t feel any guilt about this. Rey knew his quirks. Knew his personality. And didn’t seem to have any knowledge of his mental health issues and his past. She didn’t know his past but had wanted to know him anyway.

 

She liked Kylo. So why should Ben be brought into it?

 

Rey seemed to be taking a deep breath and then said in something of a rush: “I’m sorry about what happened afterwards. With the mistletoe.”

 

Kylo blinked. “It was nothing. Just an accident.”

 

Rey bit her lip, opened her mouth as though to say something and then shut it again. She nodded.

 

“We can still be friends, can’t we?” Kylo asked sounding suddenly pathetic and not caring.

 

“Of course!” Rey said at once.

 

“Good.” Kylo was nodding to himself then noticed Rey was staring at him oddly. “What?”

 

“You’ve… you’ve never called me a friend before.”

 

“Haven’t I?”

 

“No.”

 

It was like the cafe faded away and it was only those two left alive in the world. Her freckles seemed more prominent. Her eyes blazed. Her lips… he could remember. They tasted like salted caramel, and chapstick, and something so beautifully female it made her heart sing.

 

Had he tasted like a man?

 

Had she ever tasted a man before?

 

She was a teenager and never seemed interested in boys. But he wasn’t a boy. He was a man. And he’d been her first taste of one.

 

Something primal stood up on its hind legs and howled within him.

 

Kylo ripped his eyes down at his mug.

 

Control. Mustn’t lose control.

 

But he couldn’t control his emotions. That was the problem.

 

“I like you calling me a friend.” Rey said softly.

 

“I… I mean-”

 

“Don’t ruin it by being yourself.”

 

Kylo couldn’t help it. He laughed.


	11. E l e v e n

The New Year strode around the corner of Kylo’s life without much pre-amble and he was back in college as usual. He’d never been a fan of January (statistics weren’t kind about everyone else’s mood and he wasn’t used to being the cheery one) but this year he felt oddly exhilarated. He could begin to strike fear into his students about exams approaching at an alarming rate and increase the workload. He wasn’t satisfied unless everyone in his class got into their respective universities with less than a B but know that disappointment was inevitable in life.

 

He ignored the groans and whines of his pupils as he set about teaching Shakespeare's _The Tempest._

 

The month that trickled past was a whirlwind of work, late nights, detailed marking and snatched moments of sleep. Kylo began to forgo his bed altogether as he would only have about four hours in it and he would wake up more tired than ever. Best to sleep on the sofa; at least getting off the thing would only make him endure a stiff back.

 

His trips to Maz’s Palace were becoming more sporadic as a result to his workload. Not that Rey was bitter about this as she was starting to feel the affects of a lifestyle that was dedicated to continuous study. If he wanted to inspire his students to start paying more attention then clearly Rey would be, as usual, one step ahead. As a result, she was either clutching a cup of coffee, an energy drink that was nearly ninety percent sugar or a text book. She began to yawn more in his presence and her hair, always bound back and in her three buns, was looking like it was beginning to need a wash. It didn’t take away any of Rey’s appeal and general grace to Kylo. She was always free with her smile.

 

He began to take sandwiches away from Maz’s Palace as food to go. Most of the time he took a stack to eat while he worked. Rey sometimes made them. Maz sometimes did. The tiny proprietor always warned him to try going to bed that night (as though she could see that he was sleeping on his sofa). Rey would just put in more filling to his sandwich and charge him half the price.

 

Maybe it was a result to his tiredness but sometimes he could have sworn that Rey’s eyes looked a bit more prominent or her lips a bit more glossy. Like she was wearing make-up. It wasn’t all the time like at college or when she was looking distracted but sometimes when he popped into the cafe for a food supply it was noticeable. It wasn’t much and wasn’t expertly applied. Kylo wondered who she was trying to make herself pretty for. Some pretty boy who came in for a latte after a triathlon no doubt. Blond hair and blue eyes. It made him surly and gripping his coffee a bit too tightly that it threatened to burst in his hands.

 

Still, when he was neck deep in lesson plans it didn’t matter. He saw nothing but work. His goals. His plans. And any spare time was dedicated to his own work with his scribbles in his notepad and reading. His to-read list grew bigger by the day and he felt like time was running out. He had no idea why – it wasn’t like the authors were going to burst through his bedroom door and demand their paperbacks from him. But… there was always no time.

 

He knew why he was acting like this. Why he was working so feverishly. He’d always had an addictive personality. And now it needed distraction from the post.

 

His father had started sending letters. Hand-written ones with a Biro and with coffee stains around the edge. When he flicked through his bills and various junk mail on a Saturday morning, he’d nearly dropped the letters back on the mat when he’d seen it. Even after fifteen years apart, his father’s signature was still recognisable: big, a bit clumpy and rather easy to read. Nothing like his mother’s own swirly hand. This was undeniably from Han Solo’s desk.

 

He’d stuffed it in his drawer for a week. Had decided long ago to not open it. It would do no good and he’d only just come so far. But curiosity won out. And he wanted to read what that man had to say.

 

He’d been half hoping half dreading a letter filled with reprimands and apologies.

 

It was none of that.

 

It was… Kylo still wasn’t sure how to describe it. It was about two pages of A4 paper and not very neat. Lines had been scribbled out. Mistakes were made, some corrected, most not. But the meaning… it was just like a father catching a son up. Like he’d gone on holiday and missed a few weeks, not a few years. His father talked about how his planes were going, how his colon was playing up something rotten nowadays and how he thought the postman was a sarcastic git. And how him and his mother put a pound in a jar every day they didn’t argue. The most he’d ever saved was seven pounds but that was just last week and wasn’t that good?

 

It was just at the end that made Kylo’s throat contract.

 

_I’d like to know how you are. Not these arty farty updates your mother gives me but how you are really. If you have annoying neighbours. If you hate the kids you teach. Or if your still growing your hair long. I’d like to know. My forwarding address is down below._

 

_Speak to you soon_

_Han_

 

Kylo read and re-read the letter several times. The address was written at the bottom of his letter. He was expecting a response?

 

No. No. He could not. Would not.

 

But apparently there was no need. His father wrote again. And again. And again and again.

 

They were never reproachful for his lack of response. They were just more of the updates like before. His address was always written below but Han didn’t ask Kylo again. He probably knew when to quit. Yet they caused more confusion to his life. Sometimes he wanted to throw the letter out of the window. Sometimes he gets up early to sit by the door lest a letter comes.

 

He doesn’t know how to deal with this so decided to hide in a world of paperwork.

 

It was a tactic he’d used all his life.

 

* * *

 

February presented more of the same scenarios for Kylo. More work, more coffee, more letters.

 

The essays he was getting back to mark were better. He would allow that at least. The rolling eyes of his students had been changed to that of dawning realisation that time really was running out.

 

His visits to the cafe had become barren at best. He spent most days in his office only coming out to eat when his vision began to blur and when he’d run out of coffee. Phasma had started coming to his door to peak her head in. He wasn’t sure if she was wearing a stern or worried expression as he didn’t deign to look up from his laptop. He also refused to dwell on the fact that Phasma could probably command an army and not break her mask of professionalism. To look into her face and see anything other than polite disinterest was worrying in itself.

 

Hux had never been one to hide emotions. His hair matched his temper: fiery.

 

“For fuck sake, I haven’t seen you since Christmas!” He snarled into Kylo’s loudspeaker.

 

“Too busy.” Kylo dismissed as a means of reply. That was always his means of reply these days.

 

Well, not always.

 

Because about twice a week there would come a knock at the door. And she’d often come bearing gifts.

 

“I didn’t know Maz was doing take-outs now.” Kylo quipped for a lack of anything else to say.

 

Rey smiled warily. “She’s not a fan of worrying. And she says that if someone doesn’t remind you to eat, you won’t.” Rey put the plastic bag that seemed to be bulging on his desk. Whatever was in there smelt very good indeed. It was only then that Kylo realized that it was seven o’clock at night. And how hungry he was.

 

“I hope she’s paying you for this out of hours visit.”

 

“I don’t want payment.” Rey said a touch defensively. Kylo said nothing – he knew how touchy she was when it came to money. Still at least she was wrapped in his knee length coat so she was warm looking if nothing else. The label was still in his desk drawer at home. “I just… fancied a walk.”

 

A walk. At night. In the cold streets of London. Okay, sure.

 

“Sit down. You look done in.” He instructed gently. She sat down in the chair facing him.

 

“You look… exhausted.” There was a hint of worry in her tone. Kylo knew he couldn’t cut an impressive figure right now. He’d stopped looking in mirrors.

 

“Just working.”

 

“Working too hard. Again.” Rey tilted her head. “You know, even I have started taking nights off. More Finn’s idea than mine. But it does me good. I watch TV. Or go to the cinema. Or just go for a walk. It really does keep the mind fresh.”

 

“I’m not good at relaxing.” Kylo dismissed.

 

“I can tell. You’re wound tighter than a drum.” Rey sat forward. “Talk to me. About something that’s not work.”

 

Kylo looked at her earnest face. Her freckled nose. Her rosy cheeks.

 

Anything that wasn’t work in his life came straight back to her. He imagined her flushed cheeks beneath him every morning in the shower. Imagined it was her little hands taking him, stroking him, teasing him.

 

“I… don’t know what to say.”

 

Rey looked like she wanted to say that this wasn’t possible. That everyone had something to say even if they didn’t know how to say it. But didn’t. Maybe she sensed the problem. Work was his identity. Without it…

 

“My father… has been in contact.”

 

Rey’s eyes opened wider at this. “He’s spoken to you?”

 

“Written. Handwritten.” Kylo played with the white bag. It did smell good.

 

“And… is that okay?” Rey asked.

 

“Yes. No. I don’t know. It doesn’t hurt like I thought it would. It doesn’t feel like a slap in the face.” Yet there was still a hint of sting to it. One he almost quite liked. Maybe he was destined to like a bit of pain play. He thought of Rey’s nails, raking down his back. He shook himself furiously.

 

“Have you written back?” Rey asked.

 

“No. But I think he doesn’t mind too much. He knows I’m not going to but… that’s okay. The offer is there. It doesn’t matter if I don’t take it. It just matters that he gave it.”

 

Rey played with her fingers. They were pretty hands. With slim finger-bones and nails practical and shortened but not so much that they looked bitten and unfeminine. Manicured nails sometimes unnerved him too. Whenever Phasma had them done he always felt his throat was dangerously vulnerable.

 

“Is your father a hard man?” She asked gently.

 

Kylo thought about that. “He’s a hard man for me to get along with. Well, he was when I last saw him. But maybe that's because we’re too different. Or too alike. But, no, he wasn’t hard in the general terms. He wasn’t a drunk. He never hit me. He loved my mother… for all the good it did him. And her for that matter.”

 

“But you don’t get on?”

 

“I suppose not.”

 

“Can I ask why?”

 

Kylo thought. So much that she didn’t know. So much he didn’t want her to know.

 

“I needed him once. I needed them both. And they… they didn’t rise to the occasion.”

 

“I’m sorry for that.” Rey said. She seemed genuinely moved by it.

 

“It’s of little matter now.” He dismissed. “But it’s not to do with work so...”

 

Rey gave a little smile. A smile that said: Thank you. For saying it. For trusting me.

 

Kylo looked at his work-pile. The words were swimming before his eyes. The act of picking up the pen suddenly seemed too heavy for his hand.

 

“I need to go home I think.”

 

“Yes, of course.” Rey jumped up. “Eat the food as soon as you get home.”

 

“How are you getting back?” Kylo asked suddenly.

 

“I’m… I’m walking as usual.” Rey seemed confused as though she’d just been asked something very obvious.

 

“No, you’re not!” Kylo snapped suddenly defiant. “It’s dark and the streets aren’t safe.” Images flashed in his head. News stories that made your stomach churn came to him in that moment. “I’m getting a taxi cab home. You can ride along with me.”

 

“What? No! I can walk-”

 

“I’m not asking you.”

 

There was a momentary stand off between the two. Rey looked defiant and rather perturbed that she was to be treated like a damsel in distress. Kylo wasn’t interested in being her knight though; let him be the Headless Horseman if it meant she got home okay. He would be the obnoxious male protector insulting her ability to keep herself safe. He didn’t care.

 

Eventually Rey seems to know that she is for once beaten. She sighs. “Okay. Thanks.”

 

They silently collect their things and walk out to the front of the college. Taxis tend to congregate around the front entrance. They hail one quickly. The interior is scented with pine and the leather seats make a slightly squeaking sound when they sit side by side. The driver is mercifully not a talkative one and doesn’t focus on the middle-aged doctor and his young pupil.

 

She’s close to him. Even above the scent of pine, he can smell her musk. Smell her body spray which smells like peaches. Her hair smells of dry shampoo. She looks straight ahead and doesn’t seem to know where to put her hands. She puts them on her lap. Then to her sides. Then back on her lap again.

 

Their hands nearly touched. Would that be good or bad?

 

“Are you going to bed when you get home?” Rey asked. Maybe for a lack of anything else to say.

 

“Maybe.” He won’t. He hasn’t been to bed for weeks.

 

“You should leave the work for tonight. Have a bath or something.”

 

“I prefer showers.” Kylo replies glibly.

 

“Yeah, I gathered you would.” Rey laughed in response. Then she cut herself off and looked away with her cheeks going rosy. Kylo blinked a few times.

 

Had she just meant it generally? Or had she imagined…

 

No, she’s just meant it generally. No matter how much he wishes otherwise. God, if she were only a bit older!

 

They arrive at Takodana Street quicker than comprehension. Rey collects her bag and turns to him. Maybe to say goodbye. Maybe to warn him to take it easy. It would be so easy to lean forward and kiss her cheek, her nose, her lips. Oh but then he wouldn’t stop. He needed to cling to control. There was so much he was unable to.

 

“Eat the food. And try and get a bit of sleep tonight.” She coaxed before smiling and ducking out of the taxi cab.

 

When Kylo got home, he found in the food bag two still warm bacon sandwiches, a slice of carrot cake, two chicken wings, a tube of Pringles and a Kinder Egg.

 

He tried to lie on the sofa a bit earlier that night. As a sort of penance.

 

* * *

 

Something was wrong. He didn’t feel… present. And for once it wasn’t his mood.

 

He got up feeling tired as always but paid it no mind. Yet when he walked about his office that day, sometimes he would have to steady himself on his desk. It was like the ground was moving under him. If he looked up he would experience vertigo and standing upright on his own feet suddenly felt to be a challenge when it never was before.

 

Marking papers was harder that day and he had a lecture at 3pm. Yet on he worked. He managed to respond to several emails and then lectured his class on the true narrative power and majesty of Ariel in Shakespeare's play. If any of his students saw him grip the board as he swayed on occasion or sit down more than usual, no-one said anything.

 

He was thankfully back in his office when he suddenly lost all strength. It was like someone pulling the plug out of a bath of water and he was helpless as it all drained away. He felt his legs give way and his knees hit the carpet. His last thought as he fell to the ground was how he hoped Rey never saw him like this. For the first time, he prayed that she would not visit that day.

 

* * *

 

“Doctor Ren? Doctor Ren!”

 

Someone was shaking him awake. Yet he was comfy. The carpet was soft against his cheek.

 

Wait… carpet?

 

Kylo’s eyes fluttered open. His cheek was flat to the floor and his glasses knocked askew. He hoped they weren’t bent or broken.

 

Korr Sella was kneeling beside him, looking aghast and scared at the sight she had clearly walked in on.

 

“Where am I?” Kylo asked groggily.

 

“Your office floor. Are you okay?” Korr helped him sit up. The movement caused him to feel rather nauseous.

 

“I’m fine. I just… felt a little faint.” He wanted to slap her hands away. He hated being mollycoddled.

 

“Are you ill?” She asked.

 

“I’m fine.”

 

“No, you don’t!” Korr argued looking more determined now, “you have dark circles under your eyes and you are waxy pale.”

 

Kylo’s head is swimming and he knows if he tries to stand he will fall. Korr Sella clearly won’t be leaving him alone anytime soon and he must grind his teeth to that. But there was a part of him that was startled. Why had he collapsed? Was he ill?

 

He lets Korr Sella force half a bottle of Coke down his throat. The sugar does make him feel slightly better.

 

“You’re exhausted.” Korr scolded. “I’ve been worried about you. You just… you don’t stop!”

 

Kylo says nothing. Half too tired to argue and half too angry to have been caught so weak physically. This isn’t what he needs. Korr Sella and himself had been distant and overly civil but not friendly since their altercation when Leia had rung her office. She was certainly more competent than Mitaka and seemed capable of teaching her class more than enough to get them decent marks. Yet Kylo still felt the need to push himself to prove himself. He was head of the department – he had to go over and above.

 

“You don’t understand-”

 

“Oh I do. More than you know.” Kylo looked at Korr then. The pretty woman was looking at him with widened eyes but a grim mouth. “Because the brain is a cruel thing, isn’t it? Even when everyone around you says that you’ve done enough, you can’t let yourself rest. Because you know… you know it’s not enough.”

 

Kylo and Korr sat on the floor facing one another. “How do you know...”

 

She smiled almost grimly. “You’re not the only one who fights with a need to go further than is necessary.”

 

“You leave your office at five every night!”

 

“Oh, not paper work. Other kinds.” Korr sighed. “The gym. Weights. Running. Rowing. The burn. The tiredness. The strength...”

 

Kylo looks at her. Really looks at her. She was physically obviously fit and healthy. No signs of excess.

 

“You look fine. Good even.”

 

“Thanks.” Korr says. “But that’s because I’ve tamed it. I make sure to stop after an hour. Even when I want to keep going. Even when I feel like the world might crash around my ears if I do stop. I stop. I breathe. I walk away. And I take my tablets.”

 

Kylo blinks. She looks so… normal. So controlled. Doesn’t she?

 

“What do you...”

 

“Citalopram. 20mg. My doctor wants to reduce it but… not yet. I’m not ready yet.” She looked at him. “You?”

 

“Sertraline 50mg. Two a day.”

 

“Hmmm.” There’s no judgement. No pity. Just one damaged person to another. Just turns out that the other is a better actress than he ever dreamed. “Sometimes a true sign of control and strength isn’t to keep going but to know when to walk away.”

 

“When did you know when to walk away?” He asked quietly.

 

She does smile then. A truly amused smile. “When I collapsed too.”

 

* * *

 

Korr Sella, or Korrie as she insists on, doesn’t tell Phasma about the fall but the condition is that he has to go home and rest. And he’s not to come to work the next day. Or else, Korrie warns.

 

He goes straight to bed when he gets home and sleeps for eighteen hours straight. He wakes up groggy and still tired but with a sense of relief. He orders Chinese takeaway to his door and plays an old history documentary on YouTube that he's watched about fifty times before and doesn’t need to concentrate on.

 

Kylo takes the letters from his father from the drawer. They are all engaging and without pressure. Does Han need someone to talk to as well?

 

In the same drawer, the label from Rey’s coat still lay.

 

Slowly, he retrieves a notepad and a Biro. Sits at the kitchen table, looks at the address at the bottom of every letter, takes a deep breath… and begins to write.

 


	12. T w e l v e

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm baaaaack
> 
> Please forgive my absense. I've been suffering with the most horrendous writer's block for this story and I've deleted more chapters than I've ever written. This chapter isn't as long but I felt I needed to post something that I was finally content with. 
> 
> I seriously hope it's okay.

Kylo wrote about fourteen versions of his letter before finally feeling satisfied and even then he had to walk past the post box at least six times before he posted the letter. There was a part of him that was mildly disappointed that it didn’t burst into flames or shoot out of the ground like a rocket. Didn’t the world know what a big deal this really was?

 

No, of course it didn’t. Because he had sent a letter to his father; not rewritten Magna Carta.

 

Relaxing did not sit very well with Kylo at all. He had kept his promise and ran in sick for the rest of the week as he did not doubt that Korrie would keep her promise and report the state he’d been in if he didn’t. Phasma seemed almost delighted that he was admitting defeat and Hux had sent him several sarcy texts about whether he wanted him to pop around and rub some Vick on Kylo’s chest. Kylo really was surprised that his phone hadn’t burst into flames at the caustic reply he’d given him. Sometimes there were no better words than obscene ones.

 

He’d spent a lot of time sleeping and cut coffee out of his diet altogether. It did cause two days of the shakes but it soon got easier. He didn’t read but instead booted up his computer and created a Netflix account. It was done with shaking fingers and no lack of self-disgust but mindlessly watching TV shows was what people did when they were sick right?

 

To his surprise, it wasn’t as bad as he’d feared. There were some very interesting documentaries on there (he discovered a new love for Planet Earth) and some films could have actually passed for decent. He began to cook for himself again. He went to bed at 10pm every night and left all his gadgets in the living room. The smudges under his eyes began to fade away and he felt more alive again. His heart stopped racing. He was less jumpy.

 

He was recovering.

 

Still it was with a feeling of almost disquiet and guilt that Kylo went back to work on the Monday morning. Now he was back in the fold, he felt like his time off had been unwarranted. He’d never pulled a sicky in his life as even when he was genuinely ill and feeling wretched he didn’t like to ring in to anywhere. He always felt like the person he was trying to explain himself to was judging him as acting and it left him doubting if he was really ill at all or maybe he was faking it.

 

This was dismissed as soon as he got back to his office and Korr Sella came in before he had even taken off his coat.

 

“How are you feeling?” She asked eagerly, scrutinizing his face while waiting for an answer.

 

“Fine, thank you.” Kylo said politely but without enthusiasm. He hated to be mollycoddled and didn’t want her to start. If they were going to be friends he would have to cut that out at the root.

 

Korr Sella scrutinized his face and then nodded as though satisfied. “You look better. I’m glad of it.”

 

Kylo toyed with the papers on his desk for lack of anything better to do. “Have I missed much?”

 

“Hardly anything. The substitute took all the notes for you. You can go through them if you are worried about anything.”

 

Kylo and Korr were busy talking about the lesson plans for the next week when there was a knock on the door.

 

Rey stood in the doorway, looking uncertain on the threshold. Kylo, who had been sitting in his office chair while Korr sat on the desk, stood quickly.

 

“Doctor Ren.” She managed. “You’re back.”

 

“Yes, I’m well again now.”

 

“He’s all better now Rey.” Korr insisted. “You can ask him all the questions you like about your essay. Though I assure you it’s very good indeed.”

 

Rey nodded looking distracted. She didn’t seem to hear Korr Sella much at all.

 

“Right, well, I’m glad you’re better.” And before Kylo could say anything else, she backed out of the doorway and shot off down the hall.

 

“She was very concerned when she saw you weren’t in college.” Korr supplied airily. “Everyone knows you enough to know that it has to take something truly remarkable to keep you away from your desk.”

 

Kylo sat back down slowly. “How’s she doing in your class?”

 

“She’s my best student. Her work is top notch but I wish she’d stop worrying. She was actually trying to see you about some essay when I came across her outside the door.”

 

Kylo nodded and turned his attention back to his papers. Rey had been in his thoughts the entire time he’d been resting. She had a tendency to sneak up and interrupt his thoughts whenever he was busy or indisposed. Or sleeping.

 

He would have thought that his illness had made his dreaming about her a side effect but Kylo had no doubt what he’d be thinking about tonight when he turned the lamp off.

 

* * *

 

The aviation block of the college was not a part of the building that Kylo ever normally travelled to. It was out of the way of his classroom and office and everything was new, shiny and computer operated. While Kylo didn’t mind computers (and sometimes felt he’d be lost without them) he didn’t like his life to be dictated by them as well. He shied away from using Kindles for that reason; it felt like a betrayal to books. He liked broken spines and well-worn covers. He liked the recognisable.

 

The aerodynamics centre wasn’t interested in the old; it was all about the new. The surfaces were all shining white and there were readily built models of planes for the students to work on.

 

Kylo had walked there almost without thinking. He normally avoided the place as he never fancied bumping into Call-Me-Poe. But today… today he fancied a change. And not even Dameron could dissuade him from his goal.

 

He garnered a lot of funny and suspicious looks from the airspace students. Many of them were tinkering with pieces of machinery that Kylo marvelled at. Most looked like they could kill you without trying. How on Earth did some people prefer this to reading?

 

It was lunchtime and the place was emptier as a result. Except a few people trying to catch up on some last minute equations and logistics. And the girl bent over a text book while absent-mindedly chewing a tuna sandwich.

 

For a moment, Kylo wondered if he should venture any further. This was a part of Rey’s life that he wasn’t a part of and a vocation where she was the superior by far. In none of the lifetimes that he could live did he ever see himself being able to be a radar technician – he may as well have blond hair while he was at it! To go into a world where he didn’t understand everything and wasn’t the expert of the subject… well, it scared him.

 

His intelligence was all he had. Without that there was no point to him.

 

Rey’s bent head looked up at him. He was trapped. He’d been seen. But at the look of the smile on her face he found he didn’t much care. She was always pleased to see him when no one else ever was.

 

“I’m beginning to think you do nothing but study.” He said as a form of breaking the ice.

 

“I’ll have the rest of my life not to when I finish college. Well the summer before I start university. If I get in.”

 

“You’ll get in. On your English papers alone, you’ll fly it.”

 

Rey smiles and gestures to the chair opposite her. Kylo sits down awkwardly feeling under a microscope. Was this how he made her feel, he wonders, when she first came to him?

 

“What are you doing down here?” Rey asked.

 

“Fancied a walk.” Kylo managed lamely and tried not to cringe. “I was… I was curious I guess. I wanted to see what other people are passionate about.”

 

Rey closes her book. “That’s good. Shows empathy. Compassion. You shouldn’t be embarrassed by it.”

 

“I’ve never been good with emotions.” Kylo shrugs. “Besides, I still don’t get why people find tin-cans that can fly through the air so fascinating.”

 

“I’m not expecting you to. But its so fascinating. How fast a plane can go. How to get it off the ground. The things you have to do just to survive.”

 

“Sounds bloody horrific.”

 

Rey laughs. “Yeah to some. But to me… it’s a gateway. A ship to a new world. And I’ve been stuck on this one for too long.”

 

“Still determined to see those stars?” Kylo asked wryly.

 

“See them. Travel them. Build a holiday home on them. All the above.” Rey shrugs. “But if I ever find myself doubting, I read this.” She offers up the book. Kylo can now see that it’s not a text book.

 

It’s an autobiography.

 

His father’s autobiography.

 

All the blood in Kylo’s body drops with a jolt and he can do nothing but blankly stare at the face of the man whom he was finally reconnecting with. It is not this man. He doubts the man on the other side of the Atlantic is quite so rugged and handsome as he is on that photo. He was forty when that book came out. Kylo had seen it bandied about enough. Yet seeing it in Rey’s hands brings back the screaming memory he’s suppressed: she doesn’t know.

 

_She doesn’t know who I am and what I am._

 

“He was just a pilot who flew big ships; he’s hardly inspirational.” Kylo managed.

 

“That’s what makes me love him: he didn’t give a damn.”

 

_No, he didn’t. That was the problem._

 

“What about English? What about taking that as a subject in university?”

 

Rey smiled as though embarrassed. “I do love English but I want to travel. To see the stars.”

 

“It’s not likely you will see the stars. He rarely got that high up.”

 

Rey blinks as though winded. “How do you-”

 

“Flying is all very well and good but what about a proper career? Why would you waste your talent?” Kylo was screaming at himself to stop. Stop talking. Stop ruining things. But he’d slipped up. He’d revealed too much. That he knew who Han was. That he knew personal details. And even though he was digging his grave all the more fast as a result at least it distracted her.

 

It worked to pull her attention away but the look she gave him (one of cold barriers shutting down) didn’t feel worth it at all.

 

“I didn’t know I needed your approval. What right do you have to tell me what to do with my life?” Rey demanded hotly.

 

“I’ve been a teacher to you. I could show you-”

 

“You’ve shown me enough and I am grateful for that but that doesn’t give you the right to decide my future choices. No-one has that right but me.”

 

She was drifting away from him. Further and further. Kylo felt like he was scrambling to claw her back but the words in his mouth wouldn’t comply. His brain wouldn’t comply. Why did it never comply?

 

“You think of him as the father you never had. Let it go.” He entreated trying to sound gentle. To sound less threatening. Like he cared. Because he did. Damn it, he did. “He would have disappointed you.”

 

Rey stood up so abruptly that her chair flew back. Kylo watched as she blazed. Even when she said nothing she was beautiful in her fury. Except this fury was directed at him.

 

“You know nothing!” She spat. “You have a family and you turned them away. Do you know how lucky-” Rey cut herself off. Tears were in her eyes.

 

“Rey-”

 

“I have work to do.” Rey snatched up her book. “I’ve got to get back. As do you. You don’t belong here.” And with that she darted out of sight.

 

Kylo stood for a long time. A part of him wanted to scream the truth out. How he knew that Rey needed a true father and not an imitation of one. Of how she didn’t need protection but should be given it anyway. He wanted to scream and scream until all the truths were out and there were no more lies.

 

Instead he silently walked back to his block. Back to his books. Because books always had an ending and the only surprises they could give were on paper.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh dear... I suppose I needed to write this to show that even though Rey may be warming to Kylo in a big way, she still is a strong girl and has her own mind. If I made her eager to do anything for a man, she wouldn't be Rey anymore. And I love her too much for that.


	13. T h i r t e e n

It was different now. Kylo hated change but knew no way to get things back to the way they were.

 

Rey was cooler towards him now. Never rude and she didn’t go out of her way to avoid him but certainly not as friendly as they were and with a hint of reserve. She never sat down with him on her breaks anymore.

 

Kylo sat at his booth with beseeching eyes and kept reordering lattes in the hope she’d sit down with him. Instead she just delivered them with a professional smile that didn’t reach her eyes and then scuttled off again.

 

It hurt more than he could admit and the loneliness which was always such a comfort to him was now suffocating. He wanted to call her but didn’t have her number. He didn’t even know if she had a phone. And worst of all he had no idea what to say.

 

He knew he’d ballsed up and he also knew it was down to him to apologise. But a part of him, a stubborn and pigheaded part, was also adamant that he’d said what he’d said with the very best of intentions. He’d only wanted to help; he’d wanted her to see she was better than her supposed idol. She could rule the world if she put her mind to it. She could be one of those women that was written about and talked about in schools in fifty years time. Didn’t she realise that he only wanted the very best for her? Also there was the teacher and the responsible adult that his pills brought out in him that was very aware that she was busy with her studies. Maybe this was the very best thing for her. Maybe cutting ties on a dubious relationship was what they both needed.

 

He told himself that every day and then went to the cafe anyway and ordered about four coffees that left his stomach bloated and wide awake. He could still be there, couldn’t he? He could just sit there. If she needed him, he’d be there.

 

It was sounding creepy and pathetic to even Kylo’s ears.

 

Oddly, despite being the source of his misery (in Kylo’s mind), he still found himself writing to his father. His responses were always flat and uninviting but he would get a reply regardless. It was normally his father talking about the latest plane he was waiting to fly (or blow up). His mother would ring and she sounded happier than he’d heard her in a long time. He didn’t contradict him as much and seemed almost blaise about some things. He was a little confused after each phone call but not agitated and that was something.

 

He kept up his conversations with Korrie and they discussed the curriculum and various classics. She had some very enlightened ideas which Kylo found interesting but it wasn’t the same. He didn’t want it to be the same.

 

No-one could replace Rey and he would be damned if anyone even tried. The less Korrie knew about his relationship with her student, the better.

 

He dreamt of her most nights now. Dreamt of softer dreams. Dreams of her stealing his clothes to make breakfast. Of reading on the sofa. Of sliding across the kitchen lino in big socks. Of making love with the sun still high and the blinds sending odd shadows across her beautiful sweating body…

 

The dreams no longer disgusted him. But the waking in the morning and wondering where she’d gone before remembering was a whole new torture altogether.

 

What was she to him? An ideal? An unobtainable dream? A fantasy?

 

She was all of those things but real and that’s what made her the more impossible.

 

But lately… Kylo couldn’t help but worry.

 

April had marched around the corner without preamble and the month of exams were barely a few weeks away.

 

The majority of his students looked stressed but Rey… Rey looked ill.

 

There were dark smudges under her eyes, she sometimes seemed to sway at the counter and sometimes she had to be called about four times before realising where she was. Kylo had asked tentatively if maybe she should have a few early nights but that only resulted in a haughty look and more stony silence. Clearly his advice was not needed anymore.

 

It wasn’t just him either. He’d heard Finn and Rey arguing in the cafe kitchen.

 

“Please, just miss one shift.”

 

“No Finn!”

 

“Please you look done in. Maz is worried and so am I.”

 

“I said no!” Rey snapped. “It’s just a head cold. I’ve got too much on to faff about with time off.”

 

There were a clatter of plates and Kylo wasn’t able to catch anymore.

 

* * *

 

It had been a long day when Kylo had finally slumped down in the booth one April evening. It was one of those days where he was in need of a good meal and a strong drink. The cafe was extremely quiet and only Rey was behind the counter. Her hair was coming out of her three buns and she had ketchup down her top. She scurried around to take his order without looking up. This time not from reserve but from distraction.

 

“What will it be?” She asked vacantly.

 

“Um… cheese and ham toastie.”

 

Rey looked up at the voice and blinked to see Kylo sitting down in front of her. “Oh, hello Doctor.”

 

“Hi Rey. You okay?”

 

“Fine thanks. I’ll have the cheese and tomato toastie ready right away.” She scuttled off behind the counter and looked so harassed that Kylo didn’t have the heart to tell her that wasn’t what he ordered.

 

Kylo fiddled his hands for a moment and contemplated offering her a hand when there was a crash and cry.

 

Leaping to his feet, he rounded the counter. Rey was slumped on her knees on the kitchen floor. The remains of his sandwich was on the tiled floor.

 

“Rey! Are you okay?” He pulled her back so instead of on her knees she was sitting on the floor with her back to the cupboards. Her knees looked grazed and her eyes vacant. She looked spaced out and almost in shock.

 

“I… I dropped the plate.” She looked at the shards on the kitchen floor with almost bafflement.

 

“It’s only a sandwich. It hardly matters. Are you hurt?” Kylo demanded.

 

“I don’t know what happened. I… I don’t know...” Rey suddenly looked panicked and then did something that Kylo never would have expected: she burst into tears.

 

Seeing the tears run down her face spurred Kylo into action. Getting up, he told the few patrons that the cafe was closed and they needed to go. He would settle their meals with Maz himself; he just needed them gone.

 

Locking the cafe and turning the closed sign, he strode back to the kitchen where Rey was still breathlessly crying. The sight of it frightened and moved Kylo in equal measure. This was Rey. She was strong. She was clever. She was brilliant. She was… human.

 

With little to no effort, he bent down and scooped her up in his arms like she weighed nothing. There had been many times when he’d carried her bridal style in his dreams; he hadn’t thought that this was what he would face when he finally did. He hadn’t imagined her burying her head into her neck and crying wetly into his shirt.

 

Then again, he’d take what he could get.

 

* * *

 

The flat above the cafe was as shabby as the downstairs. The walls were peeling from damp, the furniture was clearly found at charity shops on the basis of whether they were in good condition rather than if they matched and the lack of coordination was blatant to even Kylo’s unaccustomed taste. Yet there was a sense of something in this tiny flat that Kylo’s lacked: it felt like a true home where people sat together, laughed together and just enjoyed life. It seemed almost blasphemous to bring such sorrow into the place.

 

He lay Rey down on the threadbare sofa and went to get her a cup of sweet tea or something. The hands clasping his jacket however didn’t let go and pulled almost savagely.

 

“Don’t go. Please. Don’t leave me. I don’t want to be alone again.”

 

It was said with such pleading that Kylo couldn’t have moved if he wanted to. Slowly, he wrapped his arms around her trembling form.

 

“I’m here. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

 

He lost track at how long he gently rocked her back and forth. He wasn’t sure when she ceased shaking and her breathing evened out to symbolise that exhaustion had taken over. All he knew was that in the weirdest way he felt right in a way he never had before.

 

* * *

 

It was hard for Kylo to let go of her but he was given little choice when Finn returned from his mathematics exam and was clearly startled to find the cafe closed. The boy seemed genuinely distressed at the sight of his foster sister stark out on the sofa.

 

“What happened?” He demanded of Kylo.

 

“She collapsed in the kitchen. She’s clearly going through a massive case of burn out. I bought here to rest.”

 

“Oh Rey!” Finn whined in a plaintive tone. “I told her to take it easy. I told her-”

 

“I know.” Kylo did know. He knew all too well how stubborn the human spirit was. Yet this scared him more than his own little episode. Rey was meant to be immovable.

 

Kylo eventually left the flat and walked home. With Finn with her and Maz home soon, Rey would be well taken care of. Yet there was a feeling in his heart that it should be him looking after her. Who knew better about the tricky business of mental decline than him?

 

He spent a few hours just lying on his bed and staring blankly up at the ceiling. He was too wired to sleep yet too tired to do anything.

 

The sun had started to set in the sky and light was fading from the open window. He didn’t draw the curtains and watched as the sky turned from blue to dusky orange.

 

It was the only indication of the time when there was a knock on the door. Kylo contemplated ignoring it and going on staring at nothing but it continued to pound out into the flat with a persistence that indicated whoever it was knew he was home and wasn’t giving up.

 

Rolling off the bed, he stumbled to the door.

 

“Look, I don’t need Jesus and I already have insulation-”

 

Kylo stopped dead. It wasn’t a salesman; it was Rey.

 

She was huddled into her navy coat which suddenly looked much too big when it had always fitted her perfectly and her eyes were bright.

 

“Rey? How did you know… what are you… you’re meant to be resting!”

 

“I slept for about five hours. I had to sneak out actually or Finn would have probably locked me in.”

 

Well, at least someone has some sense, Kylo griped.

 

“Get in here and sit down before you fall.” He stepped aside to let her in.

 

Rey’s eyes widened at the sight of the living room. “Wow, it’s gorgeous. Oh my… you have so many books!” She clearly wanted to go and peruse the bookcase that covered the entire wall but Kylo pointed to the couch.

 

“Sit.”

 

Rey flopped down onto the sofa and sighed in relief. She clearly wasn’t at her full strength yet. Sitting himself down next to her, he studied her.

 

“You okay?”

 

“Yes. No. I don’t know. It all happened a bit quick for me.” She breathed out a laugh. “Thank you for-”

 

“I don’t need your thanks.” Kylo winced. That sounded too harsh. “I mean, I wanted to.”

 

“Why?”

 

Kylo looked at her. “I’m sorry?”

 

“Why did you want to? Why did you stay with me?” Rey asked.

 

Kylo’s mouth suddenly felt too dry. “Because… it was the right thing to do. We’re friends-”

 

“Are we?”

 

Kylo blinked. Rey was looking at him with her bright eyes. Then suddenly she moved forward and caught his lips in a way that was clearly not an accident.

 

Everything seemed to freeze. Her lips were as soft as he’d remembered so many nights ago and they remained closed. Maybe cautious. She’d never kissed a boy before. Only the accidental one with his in the courtyard.

 

A part of Kylo was screaming to pull away. She was too young! She was a student! She was too good for him!

 

Instead, he threaded his fingers around her neck and angled her head so he could show her a real kiss.

 

She was too good for him but he wasn’t good enough to make that stop him anymore.

 

She tasted so good with her lips so supple and the moan she gave when their lips parted enough for Kylo to touch his tongue to her lips made his cock jump to life. The inside of her mouth tasted like everything he’d ever wanted. He’d kissed women before but never like this. Kissing was always meant to lead to the inevitable horizontal gymnastics that was apparently the goal. Yet suddenly he reverted back to the youthful idea that there was nothing in the world like kissing. It tasted exquisite, it bought someone as close to you as you could get and it made you tingle all over.

 

Kylo was vaguely aware of Rey’s hand pulling him down so that he was on top of her. His cock was still encased in his jeans but pressing viciously against the zip. The new position meant that his bulge now rubbed against the apex of Rey’s thighs. She threw her head back at the feeling, breaking the kiss and let out a breathy sigh that left Kylo nearly crazed with lust. His mouth latched onto her neck and licked and nibbled at the column of tanned flesh.

 

Her hands palmed at his bum and Kylo slid his hands under her top to feel the silky skin beneath.

 

Everything was hot and sweaty and fantastic.

 

Then Rey reached down and began to unzip him.

 

Her moves were clumsy with inexperience and desire but they were clearly determined. She was going to touch him, fondle him, maybe even…

 

“I want this.” She breathed.

 

Kylo wanted it too. He wanted it more than he wanted anything in his entire life. He looked down at her. Her cheeks were rosy, her mouth was swollen and her eyes dilated. Yet still he saw her. He was Rey. The girl who had learnt from him. Trusted him.

 

She didn’t know. She didn’t…

 

He leapt upright and off Rey’s body. The girl blinked several times before sitting up.

 

“Did I do something wrong? I’m sorry I-”

 

“No, you did nothing.” Kylo ran his hands through his hair. He wanted to throw a window open to get some air in here but didn’t dare.

 

“What’s wrong?” Rey questioned.

 

“I… I can’t. I can’t do this.” Kylo righted his clothes as best he could. “You’re a student and I’m… I’m so much older than you.”

 

“I’m not your student and ten years is hardly a lot.” Rey pointed out. Kylo internally sighed. His parents had a ten year age difference.

 

_Yeah and look how brilliantly that turned out!_

 

“I can’t. You deserve… you don’t deserve me anyway.” She deserved someone who was honest. Who wasn’t scared of crowds. Who didn’t freak out at the slightest change. Who was normal.

 

Rey blinked at him and then looked away as though confused.

 

“I thought… I was so sure that you felt-”

 

“What I feel is irrelevant. I’ve got to be the bigger man here.”

 

“You’re rejecting me to be the bigger man?” Rey sounded less winded and more angry. Why did he always make her mad?

 

“Rey, you’re not stupid. Far from it. You surely know that a relationship between a teacher and student just can’t work. You could lose your chances at going to university and I could lose my job.” I could drag you down with me. You would be forced to witness someone lose their mind.

 

“I know this. I’ve thought of little else since that night of the Christmas party.” Rey looked up at him. “We could keep it a secret. No-one would need to know.”

 

More secrets. More lies.

 

“You deserve better-”

 

“Stop telling me what I deserve!” Rey barked on her feet in a second. “Just say it: you don’t want me. I can take it you know. Most people didn’t want me.”

 

“I did! I do! I...” What did she want him to say?

 

“I can deal with it you know.” Rey snapped. “This isn’t like one of your precious books. I won’t break down and bleed on the floor. In real life, we get back up and dust ourselves off.”

 

Kylo could do nothing but nod. Maybe her hating him was the only way for them. Maybe it was the only way she could be free of him. As much as he wanted to cling to her ankles and beg her never to leave, he knew that he was sick of being selfish.

 

He wanted to be the good guy just once. Even if only he knew he was one.

 

Rey walked to the front door. She hesitated at the door. “I won’t bother you again… Doctor Ren.”

 

Her dawdling at the door meant that she was still waiting for him to change his mind. To call her back and take her to his bed.

 

“Be happy Rey.”

 

The door was pulled open and Rey disappeared quicker than Kylo would have thought possible.

 

He went to the window to watch her run down the pavement back to the cafe. Doing the right thing hadn’t made him feel better.

 

It made him feel empty.

 

* * *

 

The following two weeks were horrendous on so many levels.

 

The students were now being trusted to revise for themselves and Kylo didn’t have the energy to push it any further. If they failed, they failed. Who cares? It wasn’t his life at the end of the day.

 

He never saw Rey around the college anymore and never went to the cafe. Everything that had made life enjoyable was gone. Yet Kylo kept going. He couldn’t stop. If he did…

 

It was a Saturday afternoon in May when Kylo got a phone call. It was from a number he didn’t recognise. For a mad moment, he thought it might be Rey. Had she forgiven him? Was she not going to give up?

 

Grabbing his mobile, he whispered breathlessly, “Hello?”

 

The response he got was so unexpected he nearly dropped the phone.

 

“Ben?”

 

The voice of Han Solo was unmistakeable.

 

“Ben? Ben, are you still there?”

 

Kylo lowered himself into a bar stool. “Y...Yeah, I’m here. What are you doing? You’ve never rung?”

 

“Got this new cellphone. It’s a nifty thing. I can order a taxi with an app, don’t you know!”

 

Kylo nearly laughed. Nearly.

 

“I suppose I wanted to open up communications. And to let you know I will be in London soon.”

 

Kylo did drop the phone then. “London?” He managed.

 

“Yeah, some seminar they want me to speak at because the old book is nearly a few decades old. It’s a free holiday I guess. And I was wondering if I could see you.”

 

See his father? But… it had been so long!

 

“I just want to grab a coffee or something. Nothing major. I will leave as soon as you want.”

 

“Okay.” Kylo said stunned. Because what else could he do? “When are you in London?”

 

“We’re about an hour from Gatwick. I can even use this phone in the sky! See you at Terminal 5.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Gasp* How will the reunion go? Kudos and comments are everything.


	14. F o u r t e e n

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can only apologise guys. 
> 
> Finding time to write while in the middle of another Reylo multi-chapter fic and working full time is difficult. But I've written this after feeling a shot of inspiration. I hope it's up to scratch.

Kylo stood at the arrivals gate at Heathrow and tried to breathe steadily and without gasping audibly. Looking nervous and twitchy at an airport was rarely met with approval.

 

He couldn’t remember the taxi ride over or even how he managed to end the phone call without screaming. This was everything he’d feared; the sort of nightmare that would leave him jerking awake while covered in cold sweat. And yet now that he was here and it was really happening he felt oddly out of body. Everything was numb and he moved on automatic pilot. If it wasn’t for his unsteady breathing pattern, he might have passed as unaffected.

 

There was an announcement on the speaker that signalled the arrival from L.A. to London. Kylo looked to the W H Smiths to his left and contemplated asking for a packet of Benson and Hedges. He’d never smoked but he thought this might be a good time to start.

 

A bunch of people, mainly holiday makers, began to walk through the gateway. Most of them looked as miserable as sin (albeit with a nice tan) at arriving back to the country where they had mortgages to pay and a boss they despised. There were some reunions though; people smiling and embracing as they met again. Kylo looked away from them determinedly.

 

Then amongst the sea of people, someone else appeared. He was weather-beaten and looked tired yet fascinated by this new place he had stepped into. This was not a Londoner.

 

Kylo blinked feeling a little winded. In all his imagination… he’d never looked so old.

 

That was to say, of course he was aged now. He must be approaching seventy and he was remarkably youthful and good for his age. But this was not the Han Solo that he remembered.

 

His father caught sight of him and faltered his pace. He looked surprised to see him. As though he hadn’t believed he would. Kylo briefly wished that he was dressed more impressively instead of his jeans, shirt and jacket. But he doubted whether Han would care anyway.

 

The voice that came forth from the man who had given him life was just the same.

 

“You’ve changed your hair.”

 

Kylo almost wished to touch his locks as though to make sure they were still on his head.

 

“Same jacket” was the only reply he felt he could give.

 

“No. New jacket.” Han pointed out.

 

No tears. No emotional reunion. This was safe territory. It allowed Kylo to feel colder towards him.

 

“Well, come on then.” Kylo said in a clipped tone. “Let’s go.”

 

* * *

 

Once they were back in a taxi and heading towards Kylo’s house, the real reality of the situation began to press down on his chest. His father was here… in a taxi with him. And they were going to his home. Where Rey lived only a few streets away.

 

He may not have seen her for long enough to feel like he’d been kicked in the sternum but he didn’t trust his luck to hold out that he wouldn’t spot her now. Every corner that the taxi rounded, he stooped as though it would give him more time to duck if she were on the street.

 

“Are you okay?” Han asked, suddenly looking a bit concerned. “You look a bit pale.”

 

“Really? Can’t think why.” Kylo snapped irritably in return. Han didn’t retort and somehow that made him more angry. What the fuck was he doing here? What was wrong with him to just blindly go to pick him up?

 

Getting into his house was an ordeal. He was half tempted to take off his jacket and shove it over Han’s head like a murderer arriving at the Old Bailey. He needed four attempts to get the key in the door and everytime he was looking over his shoulder wildly.

 

When they finally got into his flat and he could close the door, he nearly sank against it and breathed a sigh of relief.

 

“Nice place you got here, Kid.”

 

Kylo looked around and saw his father looking around with appreciation. The place was sufficiently clean so he supposed that that went in his favour.

 

Kylo went to the kitchenette and began to fiddle with the coffee maker. It was a new gizmo and he still didn’t quite know what all the buttons did (he was sure that one would call the Pentagon for you). It had been his way of trying to draw a line under everything. Rey was out of his life and so he had to get coffee elsewhere; it made sense.

 

Except nothing made sense without her smile and company. He was achingly lonely.

 

How had he coped alone for so long?

 

“How come you have so many books? And where’s your TV?”

 

Oh yes. That’s how. Because this was the alternative.

 

“I keep the ones I like. And I don’t watch TV.” He stuck a little capsule of coffee into the machine and pushed some buttons. Hopefully something resembling coffee would manifest soon.

 

“You don’t?” Han sounded sceptical. “Then how do you relax?”

 

“I read.” Kylo shut the kitchen drawer with more force than necessary.

 

“Oh. Well, your Mom always liked books. You must get it from here.”

 

_I get a lot of things from her side. That’s the problem!_ It was on the tip of his tongue but he shoved a chocolate cookie into his mouth to stop himself.

 

It had taken him so long to learn control. His tablets only took the edge off his temper. He wasn’t going to give his father the satisfaction of seeing that he still struggled.

 

His son was gone. He was weak and foolish like his father. So he destroyed him.

 

Cold and impersonal was what he knew. And that’s what he had to be.

 

“Coffee?” He asked tonelessly.

 

“Sure. Decaf if you got it and no sugar.”

 

Kylo looked over at his father. He was sat on the sofa flipping through the paperback he’d been (unsuccessfully) reading. He was gonna lose his page. And then he’d have to pretend read it all over again.

 

“You never used to.”

 

“Cholesterol.” Han sighed as though it was the source of all evil. “Doctor says I need to take care of myself better. No more fried breakfasts. Or caffeine. Or anything fun now I’ve reached a ripe old age.”

 

“Well, if the doctor says-”

 

“The doctor also told Sleeping Beauty to try to sort out her sleeping pattern. And look what happened to her! No-one told me that living to this age meant I’d have to watch my prostate like a hawk!”

 

“Okay! Okay! Decaf coming!” Anything to get off this topic. “Um, how’s Mom?” Leia and Han had been divorced for years but his parents had still managed to retain some kind of relationship. They even seemed to get on as friends. The irony wasn’t lost on Kylo.

 

“She’s well. Tends to wear her spectacles permanently now.”

 

Kylo decided to leave it at that. Han seemed to be wanting to say more but if he wanted a more unsympathetic listener he would be hard pushed to find anyone better than their son.

 

“How long are you here?”

 

“A week. This seminar is only for a day but London has a lot of sights. Thought I’d take them in.” Han’s eyes lingered on Kylo making his son perfectly aware about which sight he really wanted to take in.

 

A horrifying thought crossed his mind and he nearly dropped his coffee cup.

 

“You… you have a hotel?”

 

“Nah. Thought I’d just kip on your floor.”

 

Kylo blanched virtually. Half an hour having badly peculated coffee was hard enough. A whole week…

 

“I’m kidding!” Han sighed. “The seminar sorted me out a room. It’s in the Hilton. Has a mini bar so suits me.”

 

Kylo was too weak with relief to care too much about the impact on his father’s cholesterol.

 

They made stilted yet boring and safe conversation about the weather and how aerodynamics is going down the tube before Han picked up his holdall and took his leave. Kylo practically had the door open for him before he was even mentioning leaving.

 

“You should come to the seminar, you know. I know planes don’t hold much interest to you but...”

 

“I can’t.”

 

If this was a seminar about Han’s book then he had little to no doubt that there would be a certain teenager there trying to get her book signed. Maybe grab a few words of wisdom from the man who thought drinking bourbon in the morning was part of a balanced diet.

 

“There are other lecturers there too.” There was a hint of pleading in Han’s voice. Kylo shut the conflict down; Han Solo didn’t plead.

 

“I’ve got work to do-”

 

“It’s on Saturday-”

 

“-plus I promised my boss I would go through the preparations for the summer prom.” This was news to him. Kylo always left the college by one pm whenever the prom was underway. To call it a prom even was a bit overgenerous. It was just a chance for the girls to wear dresses that were a nightmare to go to the toilet in and for boys to hope to cop a feel on the way home. However it was held at the town hall which was an improvement from the gymnasium.

 

“Well, can I see you in the week? Maybe we can have lunch?”

 

“Yes, yes, yes, that’s fine.” Kylo would have agreed to anything. The look of resignation on Han’s face was really making him want to slam the door and crawl under his bed. For so long, he’d been hardening himself against the arrogant and exasperated man who had not known what to do with a teenage son that needed pills to feel normal and hated football. So to see instead a man with sass yet not so much of the swagger was off-putting. Even scary.

 

A part of him wanted to see the Han of his worst memories: the man who was dismissive and impatient. Who didn’t understand and never wanted to. That way he could scream at him at long last and hate him as he was so ready to.

 

When he was like this, more mellow and much more tired, he found the hatred didn’t come as easily and the words stuck in his throat.

 

Han was nearly out the door when Kylo had another wave of inspiration.

 

“Wait.” His father turned back to look at Kylo. Did he not recognise his son either? Didn’t recognise the man who hid his ears, wore spectacles and hid himself from a world that he had no desire to understand? “On Saturday, you might see a girl there. She has three buns in her hair and freckles on her nose. And very white teeth. If she comes to get her book signed… take the time to talk to her. It would mean the world to her.”

 

Han blinked at the odd request. “Who is this girl?”

 

The only woman I’ve ever loved. And who I’m too damaged to keep. “Her name is Rey.”

 

* * *

 

His father’s seminar was only two days into his trip and Kylo was on tenterhooks the entire time. A part of him wanted to spend the time catching up on writing or something constructive like food shopping. The other part wanted to watch the clock the entire time.

 

He felt that he’d coped remarkably well given the stress that his mind was left to deal with. Yet his mind drifted back to Rey as it always did.

 

He imagined her bundled up in her coat clutching her book like it was precious and practically bouncing with excitement. He loved it when she was excited. She looked so beautiful. There was something about her joy that made him feel like the world could wait.

 

He didn’t even have a picture of her. Would she fade from his memory with time? Or would she remain luminous always?

 

He hoped to God that his father remembered his request. If Han was disinterested, it would kill her. Celebrities were a weird thing, Kylo mused, someone you’ve never met and has no idea who you are becomes a part of your life and you genuinely care about them. It must be nice and maybe a little weird. But mostly nice.

 

It was six o’clock when his father rang.

 

“All done?” Kylo asked.

 

“Yeah. Pretty good. I didn’t expect such a fuss!” Han sounded pleased but a bit bemused.

 

“Did… did you see...”

 

“Rey? Yeah, I did. She’s a smart kid. Seems to have a future in space too.”

 

Kylo let out a sigh he hadn’t realised he was holding. Then all the air got sucked out with the next sentence.

 

“In fact, she works in a cafe where her foster mum is an old friend of mine. You didn’t tell me you know Maz!”

 

Kylo clutched the side of the sofa. Oh no. No…

 

“Han, where are you now?”

 

“In the cafe. Maz’s Palace it’s called. Good food by the looks. Come down; it’s not far from your place. I said my son seems to know a lot about the place.”

 

* * *

 

Kylo looked across the street at the cafe. This had been his haven for so long. Now he was an outcast. And worse he’d had been exposed.

 

Or was about to be.

 

He was tempted to say no. To refuse to come down but then he thought about what Han might say in that time. He had to do this. His secret was over.

 

It was almost a relief.

 

Kylo pushed the door open and looked in. Han was leaning against the counter and chatting to Maz while Rey was stood at his elbow, listening and nodding eagerly to everything he said. She looked as happy as she had ever done. It made him feel wretched.

 

Rey looked up at the door opening and her smile faltered at seeing Kylo.

 

“Ah, there you are. Took you long enough!” Han said cheerfully.

 

Rey whipped back around and then back at Kylo. “You… you know Kylo?”

 

“Know him? He’s my son.”

 

So much for damage control.

 

Rey’s eyes widened and she looked like her world had been ripped out from under her feet. She looked at Kylo with wide eyes.

 

“But… but you said your son is called Ben?”

 

“He was.” Han said sadly and looked at Kylo.

 

“Can we go please?” Kylo blurted out. He couldn’t do this. Fuck the tablets. Fuck showing his strength. This was too much.

 

“We’re stopping for lunch here. You promised me lunch. I need to discuss something with you anyway.” Han stated and then walked over to a table. Kylo followed him for lack of anything else to do. He looked back at Rey with pleading eyes. Begging her to understand. To forgive him.

 

Her face was now hardened with contempt.

 

He’d now unequivocally lost her.

 

Kylo sat down at the table opposite Han (which mercifully wasn’t facing Rey) and only ordered a coffee. He didn’t think he would ever eat again.

 

“She’s a nice girl. Where’d you meet her?” Han asked.

 

“What do you want to discuss?” Kylo snapped. He’d just about had it and his temper was beginning to bubble like water in a kettle.

 

Han suddenly looked nervous. Never a good sign.

 

“Well, this seminar isn’t the only reason I came here. You see, I wanted to tell you myself.”

 

Kylo straightened. “Are you ill? Is Mom? Has something-”

 

“No, no, no. Nothing bad. Your mother’s fine.”

 

“Well then, what?”

 

Han took a deep breath. “Well, you see your mother and I have been… closer in recent years. We don’t argue so much.”

 

“Hard to beat the last time.” Kylo quipped.

 

“True. But we’ve started to get along well. Better than ever actually.”

 

Kylo wrinkled his nose. “You’re not dating again, are you?”

 

“No. No… we’re a bit ahead of that. We’re getting married again.”

 

For the first time, the ache in Kylo’s chest from Rey’s accusing eyes stopped hurting. And only to make way for cold shock. In the stunned silence, Maz put down Han’s order and Kylo’s coffee. She was back behind the counter again when he responded.

 

“Married?”

 

“We’re not getting any younger, Kid. And I’m sick of messing about. We weren’t that bad. There were times when we were pretty damn good. And I love her. I’ve always loved her. I’ve never loved any other woman.”

 

Kylo looked down at his coffee bemused. He’d never foreseen this. But while he couldn’t help thinking that their story only ever ended one way he couldn’t get angry. It was their lives at the end of the day and they weren’t even in the same time zone as him.

 

“Well, congratulation. I guess.”

 

“Really?” Han seemed surprised at how quietly he’d taken the news. So was Kylo but maybe he was still in shock.

 

“Yeah. I hope you are… happy.”

 

Han gave a little smile. “Your mother will be so happy to hear that. She wanted to come with me to tell you but I thought both of us might be a bit much.”

 

He’d got that right, Kylo mused. Kylo took a steadying drink of his coffee.

 

“When’s the wedding?”

 

“August.”

 

“That soon?”

 

“Why waste time?”

 

Kylo nodded. Han was playing with his salad and not out of distaste for lettuce.

 

“The thing is… we haven’t got many family left. It will be quiet but… we were hoping that we’d have a nice gathering.”

 

Kylo put his mug down.

 

“What else do you want to tell me?”

 

Han looked Kylo in the eye.

 

“Your mother wants you there. We both do. And she wants you to give her away.”

 

Kylo felt the ringing in his ears grow louder. But it gave him focus.

 

“No.”

 

Han blinked. He clearly had been waiting for a bit of resistance but not an out and out rejection.

 

“I know it’s a lot to ask-”

 

“It’s too much to ask.”

 

“Your mother is desperate to see you. As have I been. We’re not asking you to stay. But it’s been long enough.”

 

“This hasn’t been a holiday.”

 

“No-one says it is. But we want you back with us. Let me stay for the summer holidays. Leave here with me. Come home. We miss you.”

 

I was an oddly out of body experience. Maybe the build up had been reaching its climax all week. Either way, the control that Kylo had always possessed snapped.

 

His arm swooped out and sent the mug of coffee flying off the table. It crashed to the floor bringing all chatter to a halt.

 

“I have a home. And it’s not with you!”

 

Kylo didn’t turn to look back as he ran out of the cafe. Away from the judgement and the past he’d never be free from. Tears burned his eyes. He wanted to look back and catch Rey’s eyes one more time. But the coldness that may stare back would utterly destroy him.

 

The street outside was oddly quiet for a Saturday and Kylo couldn’t see a taxi anywhere. He needed to get away. Go somewhere. Somewhere where his past would stay where it belonged.

 

He was just contemplating running headlong down the streets of London when he heard a cry:

 

“BEN!”

 

That name. His father was calling for his son.

 

But his son didn’t want to come out to answer the call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To see a (1) in my inbox is all that I need for pure happiness. Please make me happy. Please?


	15. F i f t e e n

Kylo managed to get about two streets away before Han caught up with him. Clearly his father had taken up running to help his beloved cholesterol. Damn it.

 

“Ben-”

 

“DON’T CALL ME THAT NAME!!” Kylo bellowed so loudly that many passers by turned around to stare.

 

“What? And call you Kylo? What kind of name is that anyway?” Han demanded clearly not intimidated by his son.

 

“It’s my name. I made it; just like I made this life for myself. And you’ve fucked it up yet again! Can’t you just leave me alone?!”

 

“I can’t do that. I can’t.” Han stepped forward as though to catch his arm. Kylo backed away as though his proximity would burn. “I know you’re angry. I know. And you have every right to hate me. But please just let me-”

 

“Let you what?” Kylo demanded, feeling so mutinous he was actually sweating out his rage. “Haven’t you done enough?”

 

“I didn’t do nearly enough. And what I did I never did right.” Han stated solemnly.

 

Normally such a show of weakness and vulnerability would lull Kylo’s rage but he was too far gone for rationality.

 

“You’re damn right, you didn’t!” Kylo snarled. “Playing the concerned father doesn’t quite wash when you fucked off and left me to it for fifteen years!”

 

“I know-”

 

“You don’t know! You know nothing! You- you-” Kylo wanted to shake him. Punch him. Claw at his face. And yet his lungs were squeezing tightly closed and he had to suck in hard desperate gasps. They came out as sobs, ugly and heaving.

 

You-

 

 _You_ -

 

“You weren’t there!” Kylo’s voice sounded reedy and almost nasal. He had no control over it. “You weren’t there! I… I needed...”

 

His body had been bending forward as though the struggle for breath was leaving him unable to support himself. So his face was practically level with Han’s chest when the older man caught hold of him and crushed him into a hug.

 

Kylo tried to push him off. Wrestle himself free. He was strong. He could take this old man.

 

But he couldn’t. And then he didn’t. He surrendered. And he cried.

 

* * *

 

Kylo didn’t remember the taxi ride back to Han’s hotel. Or entering the lobby. Or being sat down at the bar while Han got two large whiskeys. He didn’t notice any of it; it wasn’t important to him.

 

The hotel guests were side-eyeing him. No doubt they were nervous of him; when a thirty-year-old man has to be helped into a chair with eyes nearly swollen shut and snot running down his face, you know he’s not in a good place mentally. He wasn’t in the mood to hurl anymore items off tables though.

 

Han put the whiskey into his hand. “Sip it.”

 

Kylo looked at it as though unsure what else to do with a drink. Slugging it might be a better option. But sip it he did. The burn at the back of his throat was a pleasant reminder that he was actually capable of feeling.

 

“I’m sorry Ben. It was never ever my plan to make you feel like this. I wanted to build bridges; not burn them.”

 

“I’m so tired.” Kylo could only manage. For he was. His eyes were heavy and sore. He wanted to curl up and sleep for a thousand years. Yet there was a sort of freedom in his exhaustion. The games fell away and when he turned to his father, he couldn’t pretend anymore. And if he could he didn’t want to. “Why did you do it? Why did you send me to Luke? Why didn’t you let me go to hospital?”

 

Han took a long draft of his own drink and grimaced at the burn.

 

“You know I was orphaned pretty young, right?”

 

Kylo blinked but nodded. He’d never even heard Han talk about his other grandparents. The shadow of Padmé Amidala and Anakin Skywalker was enough for one family it seemed.

 

“Well, I actually remember my mother a little. I was only eight when she died but I remember her.”

 

Kylo stayed silent.

 

“My mother was a special woman. I think the only years of my childhood were spent with her. She was so full of life and energy. So full of ideas. And she was always so sure that I’d make something of myself. Kept calling me her special little guy and would defend me when the school teachers called me a dumb-ass.

 

“But she had two sides. She could be amazing. And she could be… impossible.”

 

There was a sadness in Han’s eyes as he recalled this part of his life. Kylo got the feeling that he hadn’t told this story for many years.

 

“She would forget to eat. Forget to sleep. She’d zone out to the extent where she didn’t know I was in the room. She’d see things I couldn’t. She would scream and cry and I could make her stop. Over and over again this would happen. She’d always come out of it and be amazing again. And she always felt so bad about it. She’d cry with remorse and say how it wasn’t my fault. That I kept her normal for longer.

 

“This was the cycle we kept for years. And then we got found out.

 

“It must have been one of the neighbours. They were always sticking their nose in where it wasn’t wanted. But one day I got home from school and the doctors were there. They took her to a hospital and they took me away too.

 

“I never got to see her again. I wrote her letters but I don’t know if she got them. When I found out she’d died, I was almost relieved. She was free at last and so was I.”

 

Han looked at Kylo with shining eyes.

 

“You see, mental health has come a long way and people are more sympathetic now but I grew up in a time where hospitals were simply institutions. People went in and they didn’t come out. My mother never came out. And I was determined I’d never let that happen to me.

 

“I’d heard it was hereditary and I was scared. I didn’t want doctors to come for me too. But then I got older and took more risks and felt as in control as ever. I suppose I’m a bit like her after all.

 

“Then you got sick. You got sick and I knew that doctors would get involved. That Christmas… your mother had picked the phone up and was going to ring a doctor. She wanted you to get help and she had connections in the best hospitals. I wrestled the phone out of her hands. She didn’t know about my mother and that was the first time I told her. It was me Ben – I was the one who convinced her to send you to Luke. I was the one who talked her out of the hospital route. I was the one who fucked up. But only because I couldn’t bare you to go through those doors and never come out. If there was even a slim chance, I wasn’t prepared to take it.

 

“She blamed me for years. When you shut us out, she railed and screamed at me and cursed me to the devil. She hated me for what I’d caused. I hated myself too. I even hated you a bit for not understanding why. But that wasn’t fair.

 

“We all have choices that we have to make in our lives and we don’t always choose right for the long run but what they think is right at the time. I’ve done a lot of research since. I’ve even toured facilities. But I was trying to save you Ben. And I can’t be sorry for that.”

 

The ceiling of Kylo’s word had been ripped off. All this… all this time and this was the reason: his father had been trying, in his own clumsy misguided way, to protect him?

 

“Why didn’t… why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

 

“How could I? You wouldn’t speak to me for ten years.” Han shrugged. “And even now can you honestly say you forgive me?”

 

Kylo opened his mouth then closed it again. He didn’t honestly know what he felt right now. There was too much and he felt burnt out and exhausted.

 

“I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore.” Kylo admitted.

 

“I never came here to cause trouble, Kid. Though no doubt I have. The girl, Rey, who is she?”

 

Kylo closed his eyes. In the onslaught he hadn’t thought about Rey for the first time in months. He shook his head.

 

“I can’t… I’m not-”

 

“Okay Kid.” Han interjected. “Enough for one night.” He tentatively put his hand on Kylo’s shoulder as though not sure of its welcome. But Kylo didn’t shrug it off.

 

A weight he didn’t know had been there had suddenly lifted. And it left him feeling dizzy and lighter than he knew what to do with.

 

This wasn’t the end of his problems but it was the beginning of progress.

 

* * *

 

Kylo didn’t want to stay at the hotel with Han despite his father’s entreaties. Some things hadn’t changed and he still needed time away from his father to breathe. He needed to think, to drink coffee, to smash things and maybe even sleep on it; he couldn’t do that huddled on the coach in his father’s suite.

 

Han got him a taxi and squeezed his forearms (they weren’t quite at hugging yet).

 

“Call me in the morning. We’ll meet wherever you want. But I will need to see you again. For myself.”

 

Kylo nodded. There was no fight left in him.

 

The city looked eerily unfamiliar as the cab took him home. With his tired eyes, everything looked new. He contemplated texting Hux but they weren’t those kind of friends.

 

He opened the door to the house where his flat was situated and climbed the stairs on legs so tired they threatened to give out mid-step.

 

He was on his floor when he stopped dead.

 

There was something sat on his doormat. Not something; someone.

 

Rey had obviously nodded off from the way her head jerked off the door at his approach as her eyes were over-bright. Her navy coat really did seem too big on her now.

 

She was on her feet before Kylo could do much more than gape.

 

“You… you lied to me!” Her voice was loud in the quiet corridor. Normally Kylo would be worried what his neighbours would think. Tonight he reflected that he’d never exchanged a word with them anyway so who honestly gave a shit?

 

“Rey. What are you doing here?” He looked at his watch. “It’s past midnight!”

 

“So what? I’m not letting you out of this one. I trusted you! I told you so much and the entire time you were laughing at me!”

 

“What- no!” Kylo couldn’t feel less inclined to laugh in his life.

 

“Han Solo… Han FUCKING Solo is your dad!”

 

“Yes. He’s my father.”

 

Rey clawed at her head as though trying to force her brain to register this for the thousandth time. “And your mother is Leia Organa. Fuck! You’re a prince!”

 

“I am not… I’m not a prince!” The idea was so absurd that Kylo had a U-turn and actually was tempted to laugh. “My Mom isn’t a princess. Well, not anymore.”

 

“And you’re Ben Solo. Who the fresh hell is Kylo Ren?”

 

“Me. I changed my name by deed-poll.”

 

“You made me believe that you had experienced some terrible family problems. That you couldn’t go to them. I imagined them being… well, not this! You grew up in mansions! You had both your parents with you! You didn’t even have to share them with any siblings!”

 

Kylo straightened. “I never claimed to have had the childhood you did. I wouldn’t have dreamt of it-”

 

“You had everything I have ever wanted!” Rey cried out, her eyes spilling over with tears. “A mum, a dad, a home, a family… you walked away from it all! Why??”

 

Something finally snapped in Kylo. She was so young and idealistic – a family was her dream and Han Solo had been the unsuspecting centre of it for most of her life.

 

Yet she wanted the truth. There was nothing to be gained anymore from lying.

 

“When I was thirteen, I suffered a nervous breakdown. My parents shipped me off over here because they didn’t want me in hospital. I never forgave them for it. I have to take several tablets of antidepressants a day just to function. I live in fear of another breakdown every day. I have major depressive episodes and recurring anxiety and will for the rest of my life. So now you know. Now you know.”

 

And with that Kylo opened the door to his apartment and strode in. Rey was left open-mouthed in his wake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that was okay guys. 
> 
> I've thought about this a lot and something that has forever bugged me about Han is his lack of backstory (hopefully the origin movie will answer some questions... providing it's made well) and something that came to my attention while doing my own history is the fear that the older generation still have of doctors in regards to mental health problems. Members of my own family were put into institutions for the same illness I have today. I think it still affects people to this day. 
> 
> Nothing makes me happier than a (1) in my inbox. It's the only reward I will ever ask for.


	16. S i x t e e n

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!
> 
> Thank you so much for your continued lovely words. I'm currently bedridden with a stunning case of flu so I've got some time to write. Im always amazed how many people like this fic but I'm so incredibly flattered too. It makes my little fanfic heart sing <3

He should have shut the door behind him. Should have slammed it really. Locked and bolted it and told Rey through the wood to just fuck off and leave him alone for pity’s sake.

 

But she probably would have picked the lock. And besides she was faster than him. Rey had managed to get through the gap in the door before he could shut it.

 

“For fuck sake!” Kylo bellowed upon seeing that she still demanded more. “What more do you want?”

 

Rey looked pale but determined. “You can’t tell me that and just shut the door in my-”

 

“I can do whatever I want!” He interrupted. “I can be a hermit if I want to be. I can not talk to my father and mother. I can surround myself in complete fantasy worlds. I can even tell you to piss off if I want to.”

 

Rey looked like the words were like a slap to her face but he didn’t stop. He couldn’t stop. He’d been the villain his entire life; the wayward son that abandoned his parents, the ungrateful nephew who left his uncle behind, the nasty teacher who graded too hard and now this. Well bollocks to the lot of it. He’d had enough!

 

Storming into his bathroom, he threw the cabinet door open and grabbed the various packets of prescription medication. He barrelled back into the room where Rey still stood and began to throw them onto the table.

 

“Sertraline 50mg. Was 150mg but they’ve decided I’ve been a good boy so not so much now. Stops me losing my head to paranoia and fear.

 

“Diazepam 10mg. Good for panic attacks.

 

“Co-dine. Good for stress headaches.

 

“St John’s Wart. Hardly does anything but nice to have when I’m desperate.”

 

Slap. Slap. Slap. One by one his tablets hit the kitchen table. The glue that held his life together out for display for all to see. Rey’s eyes were wide with stunned disbelief but for once Kylo was out of pity. She wanted to play the injured party; he’d play a winning hand.

 

“This is the result of living with the virtuous Han Solo. This is the man that he actually produced; a fucked up, mentally ill loner who needs to not see his father for ten years to just get through the days! Now I’m sorry your fantasy has turned out to be just that. I’m sorry you had a shitty childhood. I’m sorry for all of it. But I’m not responsible for keeping anyone happy when I can’t keep myself happy!”

 

Rey stared down at the packets and then up at Kylo. He waited for the unease. The pity. The shock. Waited for her to run out of the flat and out of his life.

 

Instead she reached into her pocket and brought something out. She held it up like an ID.

 

It was a packet. A prescription.

 

Citalopram 20mg.

 

Kylo blinked. What… what was she doing with…

 

Why did she have an antidepressant?

 

He looked at her face which was stoic but with eyes that were shining with moisture.

 

“It happened after I settled with Maz.” She started. “I was sixteen when she formally adopted me and I was so happy. Happier than I’d ever been. I’d been her foster daughter for two years but I’d been in and out of care for my entire childhood. Everything was finally okay. And I just… started to fall apart.”

 

Kylo stayed silent as she pulled a kitchen chair out and sat herself down. He remained standing; moving might spook her.

 

“I started to have nightmares that Plutt, that was the guy who ran the care home I used to live in between families, would come for me. He was so reluctant to let me go as he knew he could work me into the ground for his junk-yard if he kept me around. I dreamt that he would come to the door, tear up the adoption papers and pull me out by my hair. I got almost hysterical that I’d do something wrong and Maz would send me packing. If she was ten minutes later coming home I’d suffer a panic attack. I would think she was never coming back just like my parents.”

 

Rey whipped her nose like she wanted to sniff but wouldn’t let herself.

 

“She took me to the doctor’s. They said anxiety was a common side effect after my childhood. The tablets… I wouldn’t take them. I used to think they meant you were weak.” Her eyes flickered guiltily up at Kylo then back down again. “Maz was having none of it. She made me take them and checked I wasn’t hiding them under my tongue. And they worked. I mean, they didn’t stop the attacks altogether and my problems didn’t go away but they...”

 

“Took the edge off.” Kylo finished for her.

 

Rey nodded.

 

Kylo pulled out his chair and sat down. Facing each other at the kitchen table, they looked down at the medication that littered the way between them.

 

“I… I had no… I mean, you always seemed so-”

 

“Happy?” Rey smiled sadly. “I have to optimistic for the future or I fall apart. It doesn’t mean the people who smile and laugh and joke don’t also need a little help. Sometimes appearing like nothing’s wrong is the best disguise in the world.”

 

“I’ve never been big on appearing to be something I’m not. I’m not a good actor.” Kylo looked to her. “You honestly had no idea?”

 

Rey shook her head. “I just thought you were prone to stress. So many people are.”

 

“Prone to stress… yeah, that would be nice.”

 

There was a silence between them.

 

“Tell me everything.” Rey said quietly.

 

Kylo’s previous lull in his anger suddenly began to heat again. “I don’t owe you anything.”

 

“No you don’t.” Rey agreed calmly. “But I think you want to tell your story. The one you lived through. No interruptions. No questions. Just… your side.”

 

Just his side. He’d only ever told Hux and that was so long ago. So much had changed. But it was still his side.

 

So he told her. Told her everything. He didn’t even look at her while he did it as it would only put him off. Instead he stared at the cooker as he told her about how his life began to unravel, how he begged for help and how his parents provided what they thought was the best. Which wasn’t the best for him.

 

Little details that he thought he’d forgotten came back to him and he likened it to going to confession in a Catholic church. He felt lighter with every sentence.

 

Finally he finished and averted his eyes from the cooker hood and back at Rey. Her cheeks were wet and her eyes sorrowful. Yet there was no pity; just sadness.

 

“I’m so sorry.” She whispered.

 

Kylo shook his head. “You’ve nothing to be sorry for.”

 

“But I do,” Rey insisted, “I was horrible to you-”

 

“-because I didn’t tell you the truth.”

 

“I hadn’t earned the truth!” Rey rubbed her head. “I just don’t understand. Why would they do that?”

 

“Because my father was frightened. People who got picked up on mental health problems didn’t go to hospital; they were called asylums. Han thought I’d be locked up and never let out again. Just like his mother was.”

 

Rey gaped. “His mother?”

 

“She was ill too. But they didn’t call it ill then. They just called it mad. They called my other grandfather mad too. The Mad Senator. He did terrible things but he wasn’t in his right mind. If he had just… well, he could have done a lot of things with the right help.”

 

“He was really nice to me.” Rey whispered as though trying to reconcile the Han she had met and idolized to the one so gifted at cocking things up.

 

Kylo looked at his hands and did something he never thought he’d do: spoke in his father’s defence. “I don’t think he means to… well, make a mess of things. I don’t think he intended any of this to happen. This was just something he didn’t know enough about and made a knee-jerk reaction.”

 

“Do you forgive him?”

 

Kylo thought. It made his head hurt. “I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe never fully. I don’t know.”

 

Rey fiddled with her fingers then sat forward. “Can I say something?”

 

“Of course.”

 

Rey took a deep breath. “Try and talk to him more. I’m not saying exert yourself and I’m definitely not saying forgive and forget… but he seems so sad. Really sorry. It doesn’t wipe away the past but… surely the fact he feels guilt is a start?”

 

Kylo was too tired to do anything but nod. “I’ve promised that I’d talk to him again. After that… who knows?”

 

Rey could only nod in return. Slowly she got up. “You look ready to collapse. I better go.”

 

Kylo had barely the strength to stand when she turned back to him at the door.

 

“I… I hope...”

 

“I know.” He managed. He did know.

 

Rey could only bow her head and dash out the door. Kylo didn’t want to lock it behind him but knew it was unwise not to.

 

With that, he stumbled into his bedroom and collapsed on the bed, still fully clothed. He was asleep in seconds.

 

* * *

 

It was still dark when Kylo woke up again. At first he thought it was still morning but then checked the date on his phone and blinked before he realised it was actually the next night. He’d slept for nearly twenty four hours!

 

He had several missed calls from various people, mostly Han. He sent his father a cursory text to say he’d been asleep which prompted the phone to ring as soon as he’d sent it.

 

“How you doing Kid?”

 

“Tired.” There was an awkward pause. “How are you?”

 

“Oh you know. Just trying to work out how to get Netflix on my phone.”

  
“I didn’t know you had Netflix.”

 

“Oh sure! There’s all sorts of stuff on it. Lots of comedies and films. Everything really.”

 

“Have you found something to watch?”

 

“That’s the thing: I can’t decide.”

 

Kylo managed a laugh. “Yeah that sounds about right.”

 

“Listen, I’m gonna go back to L.A tomorrow night.”

 

He sat up. “Tomorrow night? I thought-”

 

“Yeah but… I’ve think I’ve done enough damage, right?”

 

Typical Solo behaviour: soon as it got difficult you turn tail and run. And yet the next words were not typical.

 

“Plus I miss your mother. She’ll probably not talk to me for a month or even call off the wedding but I need to be with her.”

 

Kylo nodded even though his father couldn’t see it. “Sounds wise.”

 

“Tomorrow… do you want to do something? Something that you like to do?”

 

He’d never been asked that before. Not by his father. Not by anyone actually. Not even Rey.

 

“I don’t think what I like will be very interesting to you.”

 

“Yeah well I know you hated planes but that didn’t stop me. Time for payback eh?”

 

* * *

 

He’d never pulled a sickie from work before but he did that day. And all to go around London with his father.

 

Han was earnest about wanting to see what Kylo liked so it was with slight relish and glee that he took him around Museums and the British Library. Granted some of the exhibits did catch Han’s attention, but all in all most of the subjects were lost on him.

 

They had lunch at a cafe and sat in Trafalgar Square, idly watching the pigeons. It sounded romantic but it’s never mentioned in the books how the birds line up around your feet in the hope that you will drop your panini.

 

Not much was said the entire day (apart from Han trying to work out how a cow cut in half was art).

 

Yet it felt like more had been achieved than about three hundred counselling sessions.

 

Han hailed a taxi to take him back to the Hilton to get his case and tickets but turned to Kylo first.

 

“Are you going to be okay?”

 

“Sure.”

  
“No seriously. I need to know… I can’t leave without…”

 

“I’ll be fine. Maybe even better than before.”

 

Han nodded, “That’s good to hear. Maybe… maybe you can go and see Rey?”

 

Kylo’s face clouded and he shook his head. “It’s not a good idea. She needs… she needs to grow and be free. I’m too set in my ways.”

 

“But she seems to like you. And you… you really seem to l-”

 

“Regardless,” Kylo cut in, “some things are best left alone. Even if they hurt like hell.”

 

“What can I tell your mother? About the wedding?”

 

Kylo thought hard and then sighed. “Tell her I need to think but I will let her know.” That was the best that he could offer right now. Anything more…

 

Han clasped his shoulder and squeezed it. “I’m proud of you. For what it’s worth. I always was. You were always so much more clever than I was.”

 

Then Han got into the taxi and Kylo watched as he drove away.

 

* * *

 

He went back to the flat and closed the door. Leaning against it, he looked about his apartment. The quiet was ringing so loud that the hum of the fridge and the tick of the clock was like an orchestra.

 

His father was gone.

 

No work to do.

 

His friends felt as far removed to him as his mother.

 

Rey was gone.

 

He was completely alone.

 

He sat at the kitchen table and looked around him. Looked at his life. He was alone and had nothing to show for it.

 

Apart from a collection of books and the memory of a woman who was better off without him.

 

Tears fell from his eyes as the loneliness choked him.

 

Then he did two things.

 

He booted up his laptop and opened two Word documents.

 

The first one he used to write his letter of resignation for Phasma. His teaching days were well and truly over.

 

The second was as blank as it had ever been but that didn’t daunt him anymore; it excited him.

 

A blank page. A fresh start.

 

Pulling his notebook out from his satchel, he flipped it open and began to type.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time to be creative Kylo.
> 
> I wanted to throw in that little twist with Rey for some time. It always amazes me that so many people who appear so strong and happy can hide such pain and anxiety but its a very real part of the illness. Many keep it private and a well-kept secret. Sometimes out of fear. Sometimes out of a wish to deal with it their own way. But either way, it's just as big an issue as someone with constant attacks.
> 
> Feedback will be my medicine tonight. Seriously I'm sneezing my brains out and could use some distraction. Pop a (1) in my inbox and gain my undying gratitude.


	17. S e v e n t e e n

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I guess this flu is good for something: lots of time in bed to write.

Kylo was sure it was what many called a flow of inspiration. It didn’t happen as often as writer’s block but when it does…

 

Nothing else was of importance now. All he did was sit at the kitchen table and wrote feverishly. He got up to pee or make coffee or order takeaway when he remembered about food but that was it. It was four days before he caught a whiff of himself and realised that maybe pencilling in a shower would be a good idea.

 

He was lost in a world of his creation. A world among the stars that were more vast and complex than even what Rey had described up on her allotment with chips in her lap. A despot who was more machine than man (Kylo remembered how his grandfather’s mentality was often referred to as such). A princess with enough gumption to take on the world. A smuggler far too confident and proud of his space ship (which was a hunk of junk). A boy from the fields who awoke to a great destiny.

 

The mess that this family made.

 

The descendants they created. The son who turned like his grandfather before him.

 

And a girl made of sun and dust and hard grit who could tempt him back.

 

He remembered his uncle’s preference for Ireland and wrote in the island where confrontation would take place. Where the descendant broken and scarred would go to tempt this woman of such goodness to join him. Or to achieve his real goal and get her to love him.

 

He was about to write about the inevitable clash of sabers that her obstinate would result in when there was a knock at the door. Kylo frowned; he hadn’t ordered pizza. Unless he’d forgotten. Well, he could always eat it later. He happened to prefer cold pizza anyway.

 

Kylo opened the door.

 

“Holy shit, you’ve turned into a lumberjack!”

 

Hux was stood on the threshold and looked appalled at the sight of him. Phasma was behind him.

 

“What are you two doing here?” He asked letting them pass.

 

“Well, I haven’t seen you since you dropped that letter in and you weren’t answering the phone.” Phasma explained, looking around at the apartment. It was scattered with empty coffee cups and takeaway boxes. Not to mention several crumpled up pieces of paper on the floor. “What’s going on?”

 

“I just…” Kylo shrugged. “I just got an idea.”

 

“An idea? You quit your job and are living like a hermit! Even more so than usual.” Hux cut in.

 

“Kylo, are you okay?” Phasma asked a little more gently.

 

“Yes, I’m fine.” Kylo sighed. “I know it doesn’t look good but I am okay. But no Phasma, I’m not coming back to work. I can’t do it anymore. It’s… it’s not possible anymore.”

 

“What are you going to do?” She asked.

 

“Money’s not a problem so I might just take some time to myself. Maybe try something new.” He didn’t admit that he had no idea what he wanted to do that would qualify as new. He hadn’t thought outside this world that he’d created.

 

His friends looked at one another and Hux shrugged. “You’re a grown man, it’s your choice. I take it you are finally writing that weird space story?”

 

“Yes.” Kylo said tensely. He wasn’t too fond of his idea being called weird.

 

Hux nodded. “Make me a villain. A good one. And don’t forget to write Millicent in.”

 

At that, Kylo couldn’t help a laugh. “Already covered. You’re a General. And you order the destruction of planets.”

 

“Sounds good to me.” Hux remarked. “Phasma a General too?”

 

“No.” Kylo looked at his friend who towered over him in her bare feet. “She’s a Captain. Top ranking. And the only woman.”

 

“Do I get a gun?” She asked clearly interested.

 

“And a cape.”

 

“Excellent.”

 

They left him not long after that with parting words. “Just remember to look after yourself. And answer your damn phone.”

 

Kylo closed the door and smiled a little. They weren’t conventional friends; they never said anything close to what some may deem comforting but they were his friends.

 

And nothing about Kylo’s life was conventional.

 

* * *

 

It was all printed out and proof read. It even had a title: The Awakening.

 

Kylo was the biggest self-critic he knew. Yet he had read it a thousand times and made hundreds of changes. Now he had the names of several publishers and several large envelopes to send it.

 

A part of Kylo was dubious. He’d finally written the work he’d been dreaming about in his head for years; was he strong enough to face criticism and maybe rejection?

 

In fact, rejection was almost inevitable. Getting published was nearly impossible nowadays.

 

But a part of Kylo was done dreaming. If he sent it and it got rejected, he’d finally know. Then he could draw a line and move on.

 

He started to write the addresses on the envelopes.

 

* * *

 

His mother called not long after his father left. No doubt she’d been told everything about what had happened on the trip.

 

“Ben, I’m so sorry. But I only did what I thought...”

 

“I know.” Kylo managed. He’d made mistakes; more than most actually. “I can’t say it’s changed much. I mean, I can still never come home. It’s not my home, Mom.”

 

“I know.” Leia said in a tone of acceptance. “But will you think about the wedding? It would make me feel like a gap had been bridged if you were here.”

 

“I don’t know.” Kylo answered honestly. He’d been thinking of it over and over for all the time he’d been alone and even during writing breaks and he still couldn’t decide. There was a part of him that wanted to bridge the gap too. If that meant flying to L.A. and watching his parents’ take a second stab at happiness, it seemed like an easy thing to do. But there was still a part of him that wasn’t sure if it was something he could face. He’d spent so many years avoiding triggers that to walk back into the lion’s den of them seemed an incredibly stupid thing to do.

 

“Okay, well, just know whatever you decide I understand. Me and your father are thinking of taking our honeymoon in London anyway – and don’t worry we’ll be in a hotel far enough away. I don’t care how I see you I just want to see you.”

 

Kylo gripped the phone. “Mom… I love you.”

 

“Oh I love you too Ben.” His mother sounded on the verge of tears. “I’ve always loved you and I always will.”

 

* * *

 

It was the middle of July when Kylo got two pieces of news.

 

Phasma text him the results. Rey had passed her scholarship with flying colours. Her tuition would be paid for. She’d done it. She could study aerodynamics and get to space like she’d always dreamed.

 

Then he got a letter in the post: his book had been picked up by a publisher.

 

He’d done it too.

 

* * *

 

He’d had meetings with publishers and his new literacy agent Lor San Tekka was very excited.

 

“It’s a new take on sci-fi and it’s also extremely raw. You can tell its a personal emotional book too.”

 

The man was an old one but seemed to have a hard won wisdom. He did have a tendency to see Kylo’s entire life with just a shrewd glance and that made Kylo avert his eyes.

 

He signed a deal and the release was scheduled for October. His mother was overjoyed at his success and his father seemed genuinely impressed (‘You wrote a book – like a big one?’)

 

Kylo got into a taxi outside the publishers but instead of giving the address to his own apartment, he gave one he hadn’t used in years.

 

The old town-house looked dilapidated at best. Ivy had grown all over the house and the windows needed cleaning. The whole house looked like it needed wiping over with a j-cloth.

 

Kylo got out and looked up at the house after paying the taxi driver. He was still stood on the pavement looking up when the driver pulled off down the road. He finally climbed the steps to the door and knocked the door after much deliberation and second thoughts.

 

The knocker was cast iron and very squeaky to pick up. It sounded a little like a judge’s hammer passing a verdict.

 

The door opened and Kylo straightened.

 

The man before him was small than him and more thickly set than he remembered. His flesh was more cushioned by age and time. His beard and hair was longer and very grey. And his eyes blinked like he wasn’t used to the light of the day. He blinked even more when he saw who was on his doorstep.

 

Kylo clenched his fists. “Hello Uncle.”

 

* * *

 

It was the day of the college prom when Kylo finally went back to the college to finish things properly. He took some cardboard boxes with him to pack up the few personal things he wanted to keep. He was surprised to see his desk had collected a fine layer of dust while he’d been away. Clearly the cleaners weren’t keen on coming into his office; he was known for his unpredictable fits of temper.

 

Phasma helped him place things in the boxes and sighed. “Who am I going to get to keep control of the English department now?”

 

“Why not give Mitaka a call? I’ve heard the country has done wonders for his nerves.” Kylo put some papers through the shredder.

 

“I’ve contacted a temp agency and they will let me know who’s available.” Phasma shrugged. “You know, I always love English. Reading is such a wonderful escape.”

 

Kylo looked up at her. It was rare for Phasma to say anything so poetic; she was normally efficient to the last.

 

“You can always join a book club.”

 

“And only read what TV panellists tell us to? No thanks.”

 

“Well, talk to Hux about it. He’s got a brain. Somewhere.” Kylo allowed.

 

“Oh we tried that but we got distracted with other topics.”

 

“Like?”

 

“Oh the rising cost of the housing market, whether to buy rose or Prosecco for dinner and whether to invest in a sex swing.”

 

Kylo dropped the cup he was holding, causing it to break and Phasma threw her head back cackling. She really was a witch!

 

Soon the place was packed up and Korrie came into the room. She looked both sad and happy.

 

“So you’re really going?” She asked.

 

“Yep. Time to move on. And you can have the better office now.” Kylo shrugged.

 

“Meh. I like mine well enough.”

 

“There’s a leak in the ceiling!”

 

“Gives it character.”

 

“Well buy a cactus or something.” Kylo reasoned.

 

Korrie laughed. “You know, I’m gonna miss you. Never thought I would but...”

 

“Yeah. Likewise.” Kylo shifted. He wasn’t anticipating many goodbyes. He hadn’t anticipated many people would care.

 

Korrie held out her hand clearly reading he wasn’t up to a hug and he shook it.

 

“Don’t be a stranger, yeah?”

 

“I’ll try.” Kylo did intend to try.

 

His life was oddly calm after the thunderstorm that was his moment with Rey, his father’s arrival and his confession of the depth of his quirks. He likened it to a shipwreck and he had been clinging to the rocks of the bay when he’d been pouring out his ideas for The Awakening. Now he’d gotten ashore and was able to sit on the sand and listen to the seagulls.

 

He talked to his parents and he went and saw his uncle once a week. That was quite a more difficult enterprise. His uncle still looked on him with distrust and restfulness over his past and was not quite so welcoming. Yet Kylo put up with it. His Uncle Luke was a profoundly lonely man with issues of his own. Kylo recognised it all too well; he’d been dangerously close to turning into him.

 

And he’d let Rey go.

 

He didn’t go back to Maz’s Palace. He stayed away from the college. He never came home to find her huddled on the floor of his door. It was like she’d never been there. And he grieved for her.

 

The worst moments were when he forget she was gone. He’d see something or read something and think ‘I’ve got to tell Rey this’. Then he’d remember: she wasn’t around to tell anymore. He’d let her go and done the honourable thing. And he hated it.

 

Hated the forgetting because it always led to the remembering.

 

It was the hardest battle he’d ever faced in trying to keep himself above water. It would be so easy to slip beneath the tide of despair. Sometimes he had to add seven ice cubes to his water just to feel anything. He often found it easier to sit down in the shower. And he couldn’t stop himself from crying in the darkness of his room at night.

 

He wished he had something of hers. An old t-shirt that he could bury his nose in and inhale her smell one last time. Or work out what shampoo she used to use. Anything really.

 

Sometimes if he couldn’t sleep, he’d break and go out into the night. Takodana Road was always eerily quiet and the lights were off above the cafe. Yet he would stand and look up at the windows. Knowing she was in there somewhere… it helped. In some bizarre way, it really helped.

 

So it was like a jolt of lightening through his body when he waited under the awning of the college with his box of items and caught sight of her.

 

There were a crowd of students walking towards the gymnasium where photos were taking place and at first he wasn’t paying attention. Then one stopped walking. Looking up, he saw her. Her hair wasn’t in her trademark three buns but half up and half down. Her gown was unique too; it had a wrapped quality about it and looked like it had several layers of blue, black and grey. The skirt touched the ground and the wrapped bodice highlighted her tiny waist.

 

She was probably going for understated in comparison to her other classmates (who had all clearly gone for the Disney princess look) but she was all the more captivating for it.

 

Slowly they walked towards each other.

 

“You came back.” Rey blurted out before Kylo could say anything.

 

“I had to get my stuff. Korrie probably needs that office. The roof is looking worse by the day.” Kylo admitted.

 

Rey nodded. “So… you’re really leaving?”

 

“Yeah. It’s for the best.”

 

Rey said nothing as though not sure if she agreed with that.

 

“I hear congratulations are in order.” Kylo pointed out. “Nearly killing yourself has clearly got its perks as far as work goes.”

 

“I don’t know what to do with myself.” Rey admitted. “I’ve always had to work hard and now there’s nothing to do but wait. And read.”

 

“Just enjoy success, Rey. It’s there to be enjoyed.”

 

Rey looked up at him. “You finally wrote something. I hear it will be out in October.”

 

“Yeah.” Kylo looked at his feet. Suddenly the idea of her reading his book made him feel slightly hot under the collar. The dark clad figure who falls in love with plucky maiden who scavenges for a living: for once he hoped she wasn’t as perceptive as she normally was when she read it.

 

“And your family?” She said it with a tentativeness that made Kylo look at her with his kindest eyes.

 

“Better. Not great, certainly not perfect, but… we’re getting somewhere. At last.”

 

“I’m pleased.” There was a pause between them. Awkward yet melancholy. “I better go. Finn is waiting. He’s my date.”

 

“I see.” Kylo tried to ignore the rush of jealousy that flooded him at the idea of someone escorting Rey to the limo that would take them to the prom. Still, better Finn than some sixth former trying to get fresh(!) “Well… be happy. In whatever you do.”

 

He couldn’t say goodbye; if he said the word it would make it real.

 

Rey’s eyes were swimming with tears as she nodded and turned away. He watched her walk to the gymnasium and praying she would look back. She didn’t; of course she didn’t. Rey had probably survived by not looking back.

 

* * *

 

He dumped his box back at his apartment and then did something he hadn’t done in quite a while: he went out with the intension of getting pissed.

 

There was a bar nearby that catered to the anti-social and the alcoholics of the city. Chatter was generally discouraged and playing with your phone was art form to be encouraged.

 

Kylo sat at the bar and down his whiskey. There was a finality to him and Rey now. While the past separations had hurt, this one had seared his heart. This was it. This really was the end.

 

Why hadn’t he tried harder? He knew that his instincts were to cling to Rey at all costs. The anti-hero in his book was everything that he knew he could be if he let his true personality run wild. If he didn’t take his tablet. As he stood now he was a muted and watercolour version of that man. That man was all violence and passion; that was all well and good but that kind of life didn’t work in the day to day. And Rey wouldn’t tolerate it anyway. She would probably deem him a monster even with her new understanding.

 

He imagined her at the prom. Dancing with Finn (probably badly) and just enjoying her youth. She hadn’t enjoyed it nearly enough. Now was her time.

 

And he couldn’t impose on that.

 

It was eleven at night when he finally left to go home. He was buzzed from the whiskey but not as incoherent as he would have liked. The rain was coming down heavily yet Kylo opted to walk home. The water bouncing off the pavements and soaking into his hair and clothes was oddly healing to experience. If only it could wash away all his decisions so far.

 

He was pretty soaked by the time he got to his apartment and trudged into the hallway, already shedding his coat.

 

He promptly dropped it when he saw who was waiting.

 

Sitting on the floor with her back to the door and her skirts billowing around her, Rey was waiting for him. She looked pretty frazzled and damp too. It made her tanned and freckled skin look even more flawless.

 

Before he could say anything, Rey spoke first.

 

“I never like to see a story unfinished. I need an ending to this one.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A (1) in my inbox is all the medicine I need. And I need medicine. Please, I'm dying of boredom!


	18. E i g h t e e n

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I'm on a roll! 
> 
> The more feedback I get the quicker I try to update. Plus I'm going back to work tomorrow and my throat is much better. 
> 
> And *clears throat* it earns its rating...

The first priority Kylo had was to get her warm. Even though looked a little drier than him, he was conscious of the fact that her dress didn’t have sleeves. He ushered her into his apartment and quickly turned the heating up before getting a towel and wrapping it around her shoulders.

 

“How long were you sat there?” Kylo demanded.

 

“About half an hour.” Rey shrugged, rubbing the towel down her arms so she could be sufficiently dried.

 

“The prom? You are meant to be on the other side of town! What happened? Did something go wrong?”

 

Rey shook her head. “No. It was… nice. A bit cliché but nice. I posed for photos with Finn and some of the other girls. I heard some people slag off the dresses of some of the other girls. No doubt mine was picked apart; I got it from a charity shop in a boutique. We got in the limo. They took us to the town hall where it took place. I danced a bit. Drank a bit. Ate a few nibbles. And then I… just left.”

 

“What about Finn?”

 

“He was busy chatting to Poe. He was supervising it. Though I doubt he’ll be doing much disciplining; he seemed more keen on talking to Finn anyway.”

 

“Why did you leave, Rey?” Kylo asked, filling the kettle to make some tea.

 

“I didn’t… I didn’t belong there. It wasn’t me. I needed to be somewhere else. I went for a walk and then… I was here.”

 

Kylo ushered her to sit down on the sofa while he made two cups of hot tea. Handing her one, she took it between her hands and took a deep gulp. He sat himself down on the coffee table so he was directly opposite her.

 

“Rey...”

 

“Kylo.” She interrupted. “Something that you’ve always struggled with was… the lack of resolution from your childhood, right?”

 

Kylo nodded. “Yeah you could… could say that.”

 

“And something that’s really helped you is closure.”

 

“Yes, I must admit...”

 

“I never really got closure. I doubt I ever will. With my family. Why they never came back… who they were… if they loved me. Lack of closure can cloud your whole life.” Rey sniffed and tipped her chin up. “So I need closure. I need to draw a line. So… if you can look me in the eye and tell me you don’t want me… like that… then I can move on. I can go to university and meet other people and this… well, this can be a learning curve. So tell me and I will go.”

 

Kylo could only stare at her. At this resolute girl who demanded respect and refused to be abandoned again. With her chin tilted up and body braced, he realised that she was being serious. If he said that he couldn’t be with her, she wouldn’t try and change his mind. She was too proud for that. She would accept his decision and walk out of his life.

 

He could just say the words and she would be free of him.

 

But… she knew everything now. She knew his personality, his obsessions, his likes and dislikes and his past. Knew about his fucked up family and his issues. Just like he knew hers.

 

She wasn’t his student. She wasn’t a child. She wasn’t afraid.

 

“I can’t.”

 

Rey looked almost disconcerted. Like that this wasn’t an answer she’d prepared for.

 

Oh his beautiful brilliant girl. She really didn’t see, did she?

 

“I can’t say I don’t want you. I can never say that.”

 

Rey sat forward, her eyes wide and maybe hopeful.

 

“And why can’t you say that?” She pressed.

 

He was selfish, fucked-up, prone to illness that made him not act rationally and a hermit. And yet for the first time, that wouldn’t ring in his conscience anymore. All he could think was if she wanted him at least now she knew what she was getting.

 

“Because I do want you. I want you and never want anyone else.”

 

There. It was done. The entire truth was out.

 

Rey blinked and then set her mug of tea down on the floor. She looked at him. He looked at her.

 

They both stood at the same time yet Kylo could say with a fair amount of certainty that he was the one who took hold of her forearms and pulled her to him. He was the one to claim this kiss.

 

She still tasted like chapstick and maybe a hint of gloss for the big occasion of the prom. Her little gasp into his mouth made him feel light-headed. Oh she tasted wonderfully. Her fingers travelled up his chest and into his hair. This was even better than their moment on the sofa; there was no shadow of lies hanging over him. She knew it all. And she was still here. And he wasn’t a teacher anymore. She was nearly nineteen.

 

No-one could take her from him now. He’d kill anyone who tried.

 

Kylo stood there simply holding her and kissing her gently yet passionate. Their lips felt like they were made for one another and the wet muscle of their tongues touched one another. He needed this. He needed her. If he didn’t have her, nothing made sense.

 

Rey’s fingers worked free on his hair and then Kylo felt her fiddle with something on his chest. He looked down. She was working his buttons free.

 

“Rey-”

 

“No. I want this. I want you. It’s the night of my prom and you’re the man I’m crazy about. If this isn’t right, I don’t know what is.”

 

Rey didn’t have a chance to undo another button as Kylo took that as all the incentive he’d ever need. Sweeping her up in a bridal carry, he kicked his bedroom door open.

 

Rey gave a little squeal of surprise and clung to his neck before letting out a giggle. Kylo wanted to laugh too. He wanted to laugh loud and long and without restraint. But that might kill the mood. And he’d never been so desperate to have a woman in his bed in his entire life.

 

Setting her down on the bedspread, he took a moment just to look at her. Lying there with flushed cheeks and dark eyes, she was everything he’d ever dreamed of.

 

And suddenly a new emotion took over: nerves.

 

He hadn’t been with a woman… for a long time. Fuck, he didn’t even have any condoms. Bollocks!

 

“I… I haven’t got any protection.” Kylo mumbled feeling his face burn.

 

Rey sat up on her elbows. “Oh don’t worry. I have some in my purse.”

 

Kylo stood back a little. “How come you have… I thought you and Finn...”

 

“Oh God no!” Rey snorted. “No, Maz pushed a packet into mine and Finn’s hands before we left. Wouldn’t let us go without them actually. She said she’d seen enough daytime soaps to know what happens the night of prom.”

 

At this Kylo laughed with relief. He’d have to send Maz a fruit basket tomorrow.

 

He went back into the living room and grabbed her purse off the sofa. Coming back into the bedroom with the condoms in his hand, he was greeted with the sight of Rey standing with his back to him. She was trying to undo the zip at the back of her dress without much success.

 

Dropping the condoms on the side of the dresser drawer, Kylo moved behind her and replaced her hands with his.

 

“Let me.” He whispered. Rey’s hands dropped away and grasping the collar of the dress he slowly lowered the zip.

 

The sound of the teeth parting to expose her back was the only sound in the room and with every inch of golden smooth back that came into his view Kylo felt like he may swallow his tongue. The blue straps of her bra were exposed to him and, with a slight pushing of the fabric from her shoulders, the dress pooled to the ground.

 

There she was with her back to him in her underwear. They were simply navy blue panties and bra. Utterly practical rather than sexy and she was all the more perfect for it. Slowly, almost timidly, she turned to face him.

 

Her skin was freckled and tanned. Her legs were endless and her little breasts pert and looked made to fit in the palm of his hand. She wasn’t even naked yet and Kylo felt more turned on than he had ever been before.

 

Rey reached a hand to fiddle with the buttons of his shirt but Kylo noticed her shaking fingers.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

“Yes.” She said quietly yet with a tremor. “I...” She bowed her head and blushed. “I’ve never done this before.” She looked up almost apologetically. “I don’t know if I’m going to be any good at this.”

 

He stroked her face tenderly. Finally she realised that some things couldn’t be perfected by reading. Maybe they never can. But you can try.

 

“Are you sure you want to? We can just kiss or-” Kylo’s words were cut off by a kiss on his lips. It was closed mouth but sweet tasting.

 

“I think I've waited long enough for you.” Rey whispered.

 

Kylo couldn’t help but agree.

 

They stripped him of his shirt next and his tank top. It gave him enormous masculine pride to feel her little intake of breath at the sight of his chest. She stroked the muscles that years of frustration and routine had sculptured. He removed his trousers and they were both stood in only their underwear. Rey’s cheeks went even pinker when his desire for her became very apparent without the containment of his trousers.

 

God, it have been so long. What if he wasn’t any good? What if he made her first time a complete write off? Sweet Jesus, what if he hurt her?

 

Rey seemed to notice his change in mood and took his hand. Sitting down on the bed, she pulled him down with her.

 

“Just hold me Kylo. And keep kissing me. I like it when we kiss. Makes everything feel tingly.”

 

For a while that’s what they did. Facing each other on the bed, they kissed with both caution and tenderness and then passion and aggression. Their hands were sliding everywhere and Rey’s skin was as soft as he had always dreamed. Eventually, his patience was exhausted. He fingered the strap of her bra.

 

“May I?”

 

Rey bit her lip but nodded.

 

It was easier than he remembered getting a bra strap undone. Staring down at a pair of naked tits was a bit more difficult without making a complete fool of himself.

 

They were perfect. Her nipples were a dusky pink and they were beautifully pert. So it was with surprise that he saw Rey shift and try and cross her arms over them. As though to hide them.

 

“Don’t do that.” He entreated.

 

“Sorry.” She whispered but was slow dropping her arms. “They’re… a bit small.”

 

“They are perfect.” Kylo dismissed. Everything about her was perfect. As reassurance, he planted a kiss on her sternum and was intrigued to hear her gasp. Interesting… The next kiss was on the curve of her breast and she let loose a breathy sigh.

 

It took mere seconds before he was planting wet kisses and licks all over her breasts. The moment he took her nipple between his lips and flicked his tongue over it before circling her areola was one he’d never forget. For that was the moment he finally got to hear Rey moan with passion and want. He’d never really contemplated whether he was a boobs or a bum man but it was a safe bet that he was both with her.

 

She was covered with a sheen of saliva from his open mouth kisses over her breasts and looked ravishing. Yet he was slow to stroke his hand down her stomach and dipped beneath her knickers.

 

She wasn’t waxed bare but had a neat trim of curls beneath her stomach. They were damp and dewy.

 

“What gives you pleasure?” He whispered. “What do you imagine when you… have time alone with yourself?”

 

Rey gave a little groan of what Kylo could only assume was longing. “I… I touch myself. And I think of you.”

 

Holy fuck. Kylo had to grasp himself through his underwear to stave off the tremor that went up his shaft at those words.

 

“What am I doing?” He breathed into her ear.

 

She didn’t speak. Instead she reached down to take the hand that was grazing her lower curls and guided it to her clit.

 

“Do you rub around or directly on it?”

 

“Both.” She panted.

 

Initiative was all well and good but he’d rather straight up ask what someone wanted. Much quicker that way.

 

When he parted her lower lips and touched her wet flesh, she keened so loudly that she almost came off the bed. In a perfect world, Kylo would have liked to part her legs and put his mouth on her mound. But as she was so shy and nervous just to show her breasts, he felt it might be better to get her as ready as he could.

 

It took him a few attempts to get a rhythm going with his hand. He slipped his ring finger inside her and nearly keened at the feel of how tight she was. The sight of her body moving gently with the pumping of his fingers, her breasts gently bouncing with the movements, made him want to pull down his boxers and ram himself into her then and there.

 

But this was for her. When she took his hand and gently removed his fingers, she moved them to the front of her womanhood.

 

“I… I always cum when...”

 

Kylo got the drift. He circled, rubbed and taunted her clit until she couldn’t even try to keep quiet.

 

When she came, she fell against the pillows and her body uncoiled like a cat stretching. She let out a little breathless giggle.

 

Then it was time. He reached for a condom and waited for her shy nod before pulling his boxers down. Stupidly, insanely, he now felt a bit shy of his body. He’d never had an issue with it but forcing her to confront his naked erection seemed a bit much. Not that she ever lacked courage. When he’d rolled the condom on, she placed a hand on his arm.

 

“Can you stand up? Just for a minute?”

 

Kylo blinked but did as she bid. His previous efforts at modesty went down the tube as his dick was now sky high and nearly blood red. He almost wanted to apologise for his state if it weren’t for Rey’s hungry look.

 

“It’s… bigger than I imagined.”

 

Kylo looked down. His penis was more or less in proportion to the rest of him. So… yeah he supposed he was okay.

 

Rey hooked her fingers into her panties, which had stayed on throughout, and pulled them down her legs. She was glorious in her nakedness.

 

Climbing back onto the bed, he settled between her legs. They both gave a shudder when the head of his cock made contact with her pussy.

 

“I’ll… try and make it good.” Kylo promised dumbly.

 

“It will be with you so I know it will be good.”

 

So, Kylo began to push forward. Soon he was fully inside her.

 

Rey’s little wince of discomfort soon melted away as she stroked her hands up his arms but Kylo wasn’t sure if he could move. It had been so long and she was so perfect and tight. Unless she wanted her first time to be over in three seconds he needed to calm down.

 

Hux and Phasma doing it.

 

His parents doing it.

 

His parents using Phasma’s sex swing. _Ah_. There we go.

 

Rey started unexpectedly to giggle. At Kylo’s confused face above hers (because was this really a good time to laugh?) she bit her lip.

 

“You’re inside me. You’re actually inside me.” She managed before she stopped laughing. “I’ve dreamt about this for a long time.”

 

“Me too.” No more secrets. Not from her. “I’ve thought about you every night for half a year.”

 

Rey pulled him down to kiss his lips and finally Kylo began to move.

 

He managed to sustain a decent performance for five minutes and he gained pleasure in hearing her gasp and groan when he hit a certain angle. But then nearly eight years of blue balls caught up with him and he shuddered his release with a cut off groan. He was acutely aware than she didn’t cum during intercourse. Granted, getting a girl to experience multiple orgasms was a pipe dream but he still felt rising mortification as he pulled out and lay beside her.

 

“I’m sorry. I just… it’s been a while and you’re so...”

 

“What are you talking about?” Kylo chanced a look back at Rey. She was lying next to him in all her glorious nakedness and seemed genuinely stumped.

 

“You didn’t cum.”

 

“Yes I did. Earlier with your fingers.”

 

“But I couldn’t-”

 

“Kylo” she cut in, “it was my first time and I prefer outward stimulation anyway. I wasn’t expecting to. I wanted to be with you because its you.”

 

Kylo wasn’t quite so sure but binned the used condom and got back into bed. Rey had curled up under the duvet and pulled the corner back so he could climb in beside her.

 

He had lain down on his pillow exhausted when Rey curled up and placed her head on his chest.

 

“I’ve dreamt about this moment for a long time too.” She said as a means of explanation.

 

* * *

 

Kylo woke up to sound of activity in his kitchen. For a moment, he was slow realising why anyone was in his apartment. Or why he was naked. Or why his pillow smelt like peach shampoo. Then he remembered.

 

He was slow getting up and pulling on his boxers. He didn’t want to poke his head around his bedroom and see that last night was yet another fantasy. He poked his head around the door.

 

Her back was to him and she was fiddling with the many gizmos on his coffee machine. She was wearing one of his old black t-shirts though it looked more like a dress on her and her legs were bare. Her hair was done up in a messy knot and she was humming as she made things hiss and gurgle with his morning percolator.

 

She was here. She was real.

 

Kylo padded out of the bedroom and Rey turned to face him. There was a glow about her that had never been there before. Her feet were bare and he was transfixed momentarily by her feet. Her toes weren’t painted and they looked so little. So vulnerable.

 

“Morning.” She said quietly. “I think I’ve made coffee but this thing is a lot more hi-tech than Maz’s old machine.”

 

Kylo stepped forward and crowded her against the kitchen worktop. The kiss he bestowed on her was one of relief and devotion. Rey seemed a little startled but then threaded her arms around his neck. She was nothing if not a fast learner.

 

He pulled away from her lips but kept her close. “Are you okay?”

 

“I’m better than ever.” Rey smiled. “But hungry. And need my coffee.”

 

They managed to make acceptable brews of coffee and nibbled toast at the kitchen table. Rey fiddled with her crusts before diving in.

 

“You know that this is it for me, don’t you? I want this to be serious. No more messing about. You’re not a teacher anymore and I’m nineteen this year. And I know everything now.”

 

Kylo nodded. “I know. I was trying to do the noble thing before. But I’m not noble enough to say no to this.”

 

Rey stayed at his apartment that day. And the next day. She text Finn to tell him she was safe and he dropped by to give her a change of clothes (she only had her ballgown and that would be a bit conspicuous even in London on a Saturday). They had a conversation outside and Kylo took a shower to avoid the temptation of listening in. It must have gone well because she ended up joining him not five minutes later.

 

Kylo soon learnt that sex was really something he’d missed more than he anticipated and Rey was eager to catch up too. He felt a little like a teenager again and found that after the initial need to get quick relief, he wasn’t too bad in the sack. His eagerness to try everything meant he spent many an hour studying Rey’s body and taking note of her reactions. He soon learnt that whispering what he wanted to do in her ear during sex and flicking his tongue quickly over her clit would leave her a wreck. And he also learnt that he was very susceptible to Rey’s mouth sucking wet kisses along his shaft.

 

They were curled up on the sofa (damp from another shared shower – Kylo had never been so clean) eating Chinese takeaway and attempting to watch a Netflix show on his laptop (he had to admit Stranger Things was really good) when Rey turned to him.

 

“How are things with your parents?”

 

Kylo didn’t flinch at the question; it didn’t burn like before.

 

“Okay. We’re… getting there.”

 

“That’s good. I know I had a fantasy about what Han Solo would be like as a Dad but I genuinely believe he loves you Kylo.”

 

Kylo smiled wanely and let her play with his hair in a soothing motion. “You’re not too disappointed that I’m different?”

 

“We’re all different and we all need help along the way. What we all need is a hand to hold. And I’ll hold yours if you hold mine.”

 

Rey clasped Kylo’s hand and he stared at it.

 

“Do you mean that?” He asked still looking at her hand in his.

 

“Completely.”

 

Kylo took a deep breath and looked up. “You don’t fancy a trip to L.A., do you?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A (1) inbox is all I ask for. Please indulge me. Pretty please?


	19. N i n e t e e n

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys. 
> 
> Thank you all so much for your fantastic support for the recent chapters. It means so much to me. My gorgeous wifey Jess444 is making moodboards for each chapter (because she's a first class babe) so go to the first three chapters if you would like a look.

The weeks leading up to their flight to L.A. gave Kylo more than enough time to reconsider and flat out regret his decision. Sometimes he wanted to throw his suitcase out of the window, tear up the tickets and hide under his bed. But the remembrance of his mother’s delighted disbelief when he had told her he was not only coming but bringing a plus one made him sit on his hands and practise breathing.

 

If anything things were better than they ever had been with his parents. He talked on the phone with Han and his mother most days. Han always kept to light subjects which Kylo preferred (one heart-wrenching confession was enough for one year at least) and his mother chatted excitedly about wedding plans. Kylo didn’t have the first idea about centrepieces and flower arrangements but it was nice to hear his mother buoyant and in charge; it was something she had always thrived on. But also he got a lot of awkward questions about Rey.

 

“What’s she like? Is she pretty? Is she kind? All I got out of Han was that she was a ‘good kid and gets planes’.”

 

Kylo found it hard to express to his mother what Rey was like. How do you describe a girl like her?

 

Yeah Mom, she’s my girlfriend. She’s a former student at the college. She gets good books. She’s absolutely stunning. She’s too good for me. And seeing her naked makes me finally believe God exists. Yeah… maybe not.

 

Kylo could only keep repeating “She’s amazing, Mom” and leave it at that.

 

Because if it wasn’t for the impending worry, he would be the happiest he’d been his entire life.

 

Rey was his girlfriend. She was his lover. She was his confidante. He wanted to throw open the windows and proclaim it to London. They’d probably heard stranger things on a Tuesday morning.

 

He saw her everyday and she stayed most nights. The nights she went back to Maz’s were the longest and loneliest he’d ever experienced. Reading didn’t distract him like it used to and sleeping was difficult. But she was always back the next morning and he didn’t even pretend he’d been sitting by the door just to make coffee.

 

Kylo also discovered that Rey liked affection. She liked it morning, afternoon and night on whatever surface was nearby. Gone was the shy and nervous girl who had sacrificed her virginity to him; this Rey was almost animalistic in her need. Kylo had been forced to pop to Boots for a family sized pack of condoms at least three times and now even the shop girl was starting to look at him with a cocked eyebrow.

 

He did tend to buy a pack of Red Bull at the same time.

 

Sex with Rey was nothing short of amazing. Oh yeah, sometimes she did something she’d read in Mills and Boon that made it a much shorter experience than he would like and he’d been forced to accept that sweaty and dishevelled was just his new look now but still. He loved every minute of it. He loved her body. He loved her freckled skin, her beautiful pert breasts, her slim waist, her peachy bum, and her gorgeous pussy. He kissed every inch and banished any self consciousness she had with constant attention. She didn’t try and cover her boobs anymore or worry about her lack of curve on her waist; she looked content in her vulnerability and that was all Kylo wanted.

 

They had to leave the apartment sometimes though. Rey had told Kylo a little tentatively that Maz wanted to see him. So did Finn.

 

He’d been ushered into the flat upstairs of the cafe as soon as he got there to find Maz and Finn sitting in wait for him. Maz looked rather placid and unperturbed as always but Finn looked highly doubtful.

 

Rey refused to leave him and stood at his side like they were facing a jury.

 

“So you two are together now?” Maz asked.

 

“Yes.” Kylo replied.

 

“Are you both happy?” She asked.

 

“Happier than I’ve ever been.” Kylo admitted causing Rey to smile at him.

 

“Okay. Whose for tea?” Maz concluded getting up. Finn looked at her aghast.

 

“Hang on!” He launched. “Maz, how can you be so calm?”

 

“She’s of age, he’s not her teacher anymore or ever was for that matter and they are happy. What’s not to like?” Maz declared, filling the kettle.

 

“But… he lied!” Finn rounded on Kylo. “You lied about who you are. Surely you can’t be-”

 

“Finn.” Rey cut in sternly. “I know the reasons and they were just ones.”

 

“What reasons?” Finn asked. Kylo shifted.

 

“That’s between Kylo and me.” Rey replied stiffly. “We talked about this; I know what I’m doing.”

 

“But your scholarship!”

 

“Korr Sella marked my papers and my exams were overseen by the university. Kylo has nothing to do with it.”

 

“But… but...” Finn seemed to look around for another reason but Maz clearly wasn’t going to help him. She was busy humming ‘Tiptoe through the Tulips’. “Oh alright.” Finn deflated. “But… if you hurt her...” Finn pointed threateningly at Kylo. It would have been rather funny considering Kylo outweighed Finn by probably about fifty pounds of pure muscle. But Kylo nodded.

 

“I never will.”

 

And the two men made an uneasy truce.

 

“Tea’s ready.” Maz called cheerfully.

 

Kylo learnt that a professor and a student having a relationship will always make scandalous news. Kylo was coaxed out by Rey with her need to buy things for the trip (she wasn’t sure what she’d need as she’d never been abroad before) and they were spotted out by some of Rey’s classmates. It soon became common knowledge that their former Head of English Literature and Rey were involved.

 

Kylo wasn’t worried too much as he didn’t have a job there to worry about anymore but he did find himself nervous on Rey’s behalf. He knew all too well how cruel and slanderous people could be and he didn’t want that for her. Phasma and Hux (although a little taken aback by his news that he was dating) seemed not to be overly concerned.

 

“She’s an adult. You weren’t her teacher or marking her papers and you don’t work there anymore. They can frown on it but they can’t do anything.” Hux said unconcerned. His lawyer mind made him see things in black and white and luckily Kylo’s love life was nobody’s concern in the eyes of the law.

 

Rey didn’t seem that bothered either.

 

“I’m mostly likely not going to see any of them again and I never bonded with half of them anyway. I have Finn and Maz and you. I’ll be okay.”

 

They had each other. They’d both be okay.

 

* * *

 

The flight to L.A. was long and difficult for Kylo. He’d splashed his cash on going business class and booking a plush hotel to stay in for their visit. He wasn’t ready to share a room under his parents’ roof and he definitely wasn’t prepared to have sex while his mother was just down the hall – he wasn’t going without for two weeks. He’d done eight years; he needed to catch up.

 

The plane was pretty comfortable and to watch Rey stare out of the window at the clouds was enough to make him feel calm. She’d never been on a plane before and she’d even found the check in exciting. It had been worth the extra money just to watch the other holidaymakers look on her with suspicion and hatred. Who gets that excited about duty free Toblerones, they seemed to say. Kylo bought an extra large one just to spite them.

 

But now after ten long hours, they had entered the region of America and suddenly it hit him all at once. He was going to see his mother again. He was going to see his parents’ get married a second time. And they were meeting Rey. That was a lot.

 

He had to breathe very slowly and deeply. Rey, who had been dozing, lifted her head.

 

“You okay?”

 

“Yeah.” Kylo said quickly but didn’t look at her. Eye contact was suddenly hard to maintain.

 

“Hey.” Rey said softly, taking his hand. “It’s okay to be scared.”

 

“I’m not scared.” Kylo dismissed.

 

“Yes, you are. If I’m scared, I dread to think how you feel.”

 

Kylo did look at her for that. “Why are you scared?”

 

“I’m meeting your parents Kylo.” Rey reminded him. “I still don’t know how I even feel about them. I mean, I’ve always idolised Han Solo and heard about Leia Organa but now they are human and they bought you into the world and they messed up. I don’t know whether to be cross at them or nice or...” Rey managed a laugh. “It’s a bit daunting when you don’t know what they will think of you but it’s even worse when you don’t know what you’re gonna think of them.”

 

Kylo blinked. In all his worrying about how he would face them, he hadn’t considered how Rey might be just as scared. It still amazed him. Kylo had been used to only worrying about himself for too long; he clearly had a way to go.

 

He squeezed her hand. “They will love you. Han already does; he’ll never admit it but if you like planes you’re already half way there.”

 

“And your Mum?”

 

“She attributes you to the fact I’m coming at all; it’s safe to say she’s gonna be fond of you.”

 

Rey smiles at him in gratitude and they say nothing more as the plane crosses into Los Angeles.

 

* * *

 

The airport is busy and Kylo clasps Rey’s hand for fear of her being swept apart from him. The heat is oppressive and he takes off his jacket. He forgot how warm America was in comparison to England.

 

The tannoys were making announcements as they walked mechanically forward.

 

“Where do we go?” Rey asked.

 

“Arrivals. Then we try and get our luggage and then a cab and-”

 

Kylo stopped talking. For in front of him the source of their arrival into the heart of L.A. was waiting.

 

His father was still wearing the same old beaten leather jacket although there was perspiration on his forehead from the heat. He gave his usual wan smile at the sight of his son and his new girlfriend arriving. Beside him, barely coming up to his father’s collarbone, grey haired yet still with a youthful look about her was his mother.

 

It took Rey’s gentle pulling for him to remember how to keep putting one foot in front of the other. His mother was practically bouncing to try and see past the crowd of people (her height didn’t give her an advantage at all) until his father whispered in her ear and pointed in their direction. She spotted them and looked almost in awe.

 

When was the last time she’d seen him? He must have been… sixteen. Jesus.

 

He’d been skinny, lanky, with shorter hair and permanent scowl. Now he was built with more muscle with long hair and a semi-permanent scowl.

 

He approached almost like he was frightened she might bolt. How do you approach your own mother after so long an absence?

 

“Ben?”

 

He didn’t flinch at the name. The name he left behind. Maybe the one he’d never pick back up again. But which didn’t hurt him anymore.

 

“Hello Mom.”

 

Leia clearly decided that no more time should be wasted. She stepped forward and wrapped arms around his middle. It made an almost comical sight as if Han made her look short, Kylo made her appear tiny.

 

Yet Kylo couldn’t help but allow himself to fold himself down so that their cheeks were against each other. He felt her hands playing with his hair. Stroking it like when he’d been a toddler. He came from a family of turbulent history but good hair.

 

It took him a while to extract himself (mainly out of desire to do so) and only to find that his shoulder was damp where she’d buried her face.

 

Her shining eyes were crinkled with delight. “Look at you. So… tall!”

 

“Taller than you, Mom. That’s not hard” he retorted which earned him a half heart punch on the arm. Leia then looked around him.

 

“And this must be...”

 

Kylo looked around. In their reunion, Rey had almost stood aside but she seemed as touched as his mother. Clearly getting the two to like each other wouldn’t be an issue.

 

Kylo held out his hand and she took it easily. “Mom...” He squeezed the little hand in his, “this is Rey.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be one or two chapters after this then that will be it. In the meantime, please drop a (1) in my inbox. I've got work tomorrow early and I've been suffering from horrendous migraines so it will really help me on so many levels.


	20. T w e n t y

Kylo straightened the cuffs on his shirt and scrutinizing the effect in the mirror. His wedding suit was a deep navy blue (so deep it nearly looked black – great for him) and made him look pretty good. He doubted his mother would try spitting on her hanky and wiping his face at any rate. The hotel where the wedding would take place was one of the best in California and therefore was able to provide his parents’ with privacy to renew their love. Their original wedding had been a huge event with a huge white dress and more pomp than was strictly necessary (even for a former Princess). This one would be different as his mother was clearly hoping their second attempt at marriage would be; quieter and more refined. Or at least less tempestuous.

 

The hotel that Kylo had booked was everything that he needed to show Rey a fun time. She still had problems with accepting gifts from him (she flat out refused to let him buy her a phone for when they were apart) but seeing as she was technically doing Kylo a favour by coming at all, he was able to spoil her with the holiday of a lifetime. Her eyes had nearly bugged out of her head at the sight of their suite which was one of the best. The bathroom was a thing of wonder with a jacuzzi bath that size of Kylo’s bed back at his apartment. The sight of her blowing bubbles in the air nearly made him want to leave her alone to enjoy it. Until she sat up to display the effect of her naked soppy breasts and that sentiment flew away like a messenger bird.

 

They met his parents everyday to enjoy some activity or another. They ate out at restaurants, went to local tourist attractions and talked all the while. His mother was clearly on a mission to not antagonise in anyway that might send him running. She mainly talked about his old job, about London and the new book coming out. Leia seemed extremely excited on Kylo’s behalf about the book and he was left to squirm at the idea of his mother reading it. Maybe the story about the Princess in the gold bikini wasn’t such a good plot device.

 

Yet when they walked in a park, with Han and Rey ahead of them excitedly chattering about some plane or other, his mother broached more personal issues.

 

“You look happy. Are you happy?”

 

“Yes.” Kylo answered gruffly. For he was. For all the nerves and apprehension that this trip caused him, he was happy. He had success with his writing. He was back on an even playing field with his parents. And he had Rey. His beautiful brilliant Rey. He was happy and it felt rather remarkable.

 

“She is good for you.” Leia mused looking on Rey with affection. “You are brand new thanks to her.”

 

“I feel brand new.” Kylo looked down at his tiny mother. “Are you happy?”

 

“I am.” Leia nodded. “And in the grand scheme of things, what else matters?”

 

They walked on in contented silence.

 

Rey was taken into the family circle with gusto. She was practically in ecstasy when Leia declared that she should be her bridesmaid.

 

“They fitted me for a dress!” Rey told him after she had got back from going with Leia to the dress fitter. “It’s lilac and its like silk! Oh I felt like a Princess!”

 

Kylo nodded along, not caring a jot about the material of the dress but eager to enjoy Rey’s excitement.

 

Now the day had come and it was time once again for his parents’ to marry.

 

Dressed and deeming himself ready, he moved from his suite and down the stairs of the hotel where the ceremony is to take place. He had consented to give his mother away. His uncle had flown in the previous night so he wondered idly if he would take um-bridge to this. More than likely he would like the lack of focus on himself – he has become more isolated with the years.

 

Kylo waited at the entrance of the hall which would see his parents remarry and stayed to the side as the guests arrive. Some he recognised from years past – Lando Calrissian still looked as dashing and cock-sure as ever. Some he didn’t know at all. All of them would be avoided at all costs more than likely. His mother had promised he could nip out of the reception as many times as he liked if it got a bit much. He was still not good with crowds even with his medication.

 

He spots his father through the double doors at the top of the reception area where the service will take place. It amused him to see that his father was nervous and kept checking his pocket for the ring (his best man Chewbacca was the hairiest man alive and it didn’t bode well for the marriage to have a ring covered in chest hair) and it made him feel an odd affection for him. For all Han's faults and he had many, he never stopped loving his ex-wife.

 

Kylo hoped that this marriage would be a more rounded success.

 

Just when Kylo is contemplating texting his mother to tell her to hurry up, she appeared. She looked not like a Princess but like a Queen. Her gown was rich purple and her hair was in an elegant up-do. She looked like a woman who could rule the world and still have time to do her nails at the end of it. And behind her was Rey. Wrapped in a delicate floor length dress with material as fine as tissue paper, she was a vision in lilac. With her hair curled and white flowers placed in her brunette locks to match her bouquet, she was the Princess to Leia’s Queen.

 

Kylo’s eyes shot from his mother to Rey and back again. He didn’t seem to know what to say first and to whom.

 

“I’ll take it from your expression that we look decent at worst.” Leia mused wryly.

 

“You look...” Kylo’s cheeks burnt. He wasn’t used to being so inelegant with his words. Rey saw his flustered state and beamed. For about the thousandth time, he mused in how the hell he got a girl like her.

 

“Speechless – a rare thing in a Solo descendant.” Leia tittered before taking a deep breath and looking into the reception. “Well, here’s to the second time around.”

 

Kylo smiled faintly and decided that if anyone could make Han Solo a happy man it was his mother.

 

He offered his arm to her and they made their way inside as the harpist started playing.

 

* * *

 

It was a wedding to remember indeed. The ceremony was tasteful and moved even Kylo. It was undeniably touching to see his parents’ look on one another with love. So much so that he caught Rey carefully wiping her eyes as to not smudge her mascara. She offered him a smile every time he looked at her (which was often). Kylo could not help but clap when his parents were declared man and wife again with the rest of the reception. Though his clapping did tail off a bit and he started tutting when their kiss seemed to last a lot longer than strictly necessary.

 

The reception was a grand event with much drinking, eating and dancing. Kylo remained at the bar as he was not a keen dancer and they stocked good scotch. Rey didn’t seem to mind. She was more than happy to dance along with some of the children – a sight of which Kylo could not help but smile at.

 

“All seemed to go off quite well didn’t it?”

 

Kylo turned and saw that his uncle was now standing beside him. His beard had been tidied up and his hair trimmed but he didn’t look at all happy to be made to wear a suit. Luke seemed to have become as set in his ways as Kylo had.

 

“Well, so long as there isn’t a fist fight over the bouquet, I’d say so yes.” Kylo agreed sagely.

 

The two men stood in silence for a while. They still did not know how to act around one another. Kylo knew that Luke still looked upon him with suspicion after so many years away from the family and Kylo couldn’t help but see Luke as a reminder of some of his darkest days yet he had no desire to cross words with the old man. For he was getting older too and the anger and resentment he had held onto had left him feeling much more than his thirty years.

 

“Your mother seems to be very happy.” Luke mused.

 

“I think those two are the only people who can make each other happy.”

 

“They can also drive each other crazy.” Luke sighed.

 

“It’s a family trait.”

 

Kylo’s eyes flickered to Rey dancing and felt the usual calm pass over him. She was his. Nothing else mattered.

 

“You really love her, don’t you.”

 

Kylo looked at his uncle in surprise. It was said with more tenderness than he had heard from the grump in over twenty years. “How do you-”

 

“You could never lie for shit, Ben. And your eyes have always been your biggest giveaway. You look at her like she’s the sun herself.”

 

Kylo didn’t contradict him for how could he?

 

“Do yourself a favour: don’t rely on her to be your happiness. She makes you happy, no doubt, but she’s not responsible for keeping you on the straight and narrow. You have to do that yourself.” Luke advised.

 

“I know.” Kylo retorted. For he did. She was too young to be responsible for him but she wanted to be by his side anyway. He wasn’t going to screw it up by expecting her to perform miracles.

 

There would be bumps along the way. He’d get sick. She might get sick. They’d fight. They’d argue. They’d make up. He wasn’t daunted by that; he was ready.

 

A slow song starts and Rey stops her attempts at dancing with the children. She starts to shuffle out of the way. Kylo puts down his drink and steps onto the dance floor.

 

“May I?” He asks into her ear making her jump with surprise. She turns and looks up at him delighted.

 

He’s not much of a dancer and only knows how to sway gently in time to the music but Rey presses tightly against him and sways with him. He spots his parents dancing in the corner and looking over with proud looks. He looks away embarrassed and buries his face in Rey’s hair.

 

His parents depart for their honeymoon suite and as an afterthought Leia throws her bouquet over her shoulder as they climb the stairs.

 

Rey catches it with ease.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter coming up soon. I'm a sucker for kudos and comments and my migraines have been driving me crazy. A (1) in my inbox will be a huge remedy for me.


	21. E p i l o g u e

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo.... this is it. Last chapter. 
> 
> I guess all I can say is I hope you like it.

Kylo peered into the wardrobe and looked through his clothes. All his favourite ones were packed away.

 

He rifled through them one more time to make sure he hadn’t missed anything. But only his more formal clothes and rather threadbare ones were the only items left hanging. The suitcase was beside his bed; everything was packed.

 

“Kylo, will you just come and have your tea. It’s getting cold!”

 

Kylo turned around to see Rey stood in the doorway. She was holding two mugs of tea and looking fondly exasperated. Her hair was half up, half down and she was dressed in her sleeping vest and shorts with her big fluffy socks. Her legs were still enough to drive him to distraction.

 

“I’m just double checking we’ve packed everything.” Kylo reasoned straightening up.

 

“You’ve double, triple and quadruple checked. Now for the love of God: relax!”

 

“Fine, fine, fine. If I forget my toothbrush it’s on your head.” Kylo sighed, taking the proffered mug of tea.

 

“Yeah because there’s not a chemist outside of the West End(!)” Rey quipped and pecking him on the lips before sauntering off back to her spot on the sofa.

 

Kylo sipped his tea. Their annual trip to L.A. was upon them and he felt slightly light-headed at the prospect. It never seemed to get so easy that he could look forward to the trips with anticipation and excitement that Rey was so good at. But this year he was really nervous. This year, there would be no hotel.

 

This year they were staying at his parents’ house.

 

It had taken four visits and a lot of cajoling from Rey for him to get to this point (and the promise that they could book a hotel if it got too much for him). But he felt he was ready to try. Probably not succeed but definitely try.

 

He walked out of the bedroom and looked down at the sofa. Rey was curled up with her latest hardback and seemed to be deaf to the world. He didn’t try and disturb her as he considered it a crime to interrupt someone reading a good book. And there were times where he liked to just look at her.

 

Four years and he still worshipped her. Four years and she hadn’t got sick of him yet.

 

Of course that hadn’t stopped his sickness from popping up to say hello.

 

He’d had two episodes since they had become a couple where Rey had to comfort him when she found him huddled in a ball by the cooker trying to breathe from a panic attack that left him in tears at the beginning of one and came home to find all the cutlery smashed another time. She never seemed scared by this. She had a way of calming him so that he would finally be able to sob himself into exhaustion and then would rest his head in her lap as she played with his hair. Sometimes his brain was never able to turn off and he had to pace the flat to work off the nervous energy at three in the morning. He would sometimes forget to eat and then eat everything. He became paranoid and irrational. He basically became a nightmare.

 

Rey was endlessly patient throughout. She let him rant out his fears and then talked gently about how none of them would come to pass. Which would bring on the next round: why was she with him?

 

Because he had his moments when he questioned it constantly if only in his head. Why did she put up with this? What did she see in him? Couldn’t she see he was sucking her life away? She deserved someone normal.

 

“You are anything but normal. That’s why I love you.” She would reassure.

 

And then there was the occasion where Rey was the one who needed him.

 

It had been the second year of Rey’s university term when the pressure got to her. Never one to take it easy and allow her grades to speak for themselves, she pushed herself hard and with more gusto than even Kylo could emulate.

 

She started skipping meals to write her essays, stayed in the workshop until late at night and survived off energy drinks that made her heart race. Kylo pleaded with her to slow down but Rey was as stubborn as him when she wanted to be.

 

Then one day he received a call from the professor at her university. Could he pick up Rey? Now?

 

She was almost in a trance. Kylo had to walk her to the car and take her to the hospital. He’d played holy hell until a doctor saw her. The verdict made Kylo’s heart sink.

 

“Nervous collapse. Probably the result of excessive stress. She needs rest for at least two weeks.”

 

Kylo took her home with her new medication and became her carer rather than her boyfriend. They had been living together for nearly six months at that point and he was terrified that Maz might accuse him of driving her to this state.

 

Maz was clearly concerned for her adoptive daughter but didn’t pass blame onto Kylo. Finn was harder to convince but Maz got him to listen to her advice – which was basically: Shut up and let the man look after her.

 

And that’s what Kylo did. He put her to bed and bought her food three times again. Rey picked at it but Kylo wouldn’t leave until she’d eaten every bite. He cut the food up small and stuck to toast and yoghurt to get her to attempt it. He got her out of bed to shower every day and stood under the spray with her gently washing her body. He could not ignore the twitch and stiffness of his cock at the sight of her naked but he refused to attempt a thing. Rey needed him to be her rock; pestering her for sex wouldn’t help at all.

 

He didn’t try and shush her when she cried. He read her books as she lay back with closed eyes and listened. He bought Harry Potter socks for her and put the Gryffindor socks on her feet the first day she got out of bed for the day – just so she felt all the bravery he could provide her.

 

Slowly, very slowly, she came back to herself and the first day she smiled again was a victory he’d never forget. They made love again for the first time with a gentleness and slowness that would normally have driven them nuts. But she was back and he wanted to relish it.

 

They’d had fights too. Huge fights with Rey screaming at him that he was the biggest arsehole she had ever met and Kylo retorting that she was a shrew and could she turn it down? She was hurting his ears. There have been slammed doors and sleeping on the sofa and frosty silences that stretch out for eternity.

 

There had been desperate making ups where Kylo took a cab to the publishing house and there was a huge collision on his route. Rey’s fury would immediately melt to enormous regret and fear. So when Kylo would come through the door, with his mobile dead in his pocket, to find a hysterically sobbing Rey fly at him and jump into his arms it was a bit of a surprise. But the sight of her so frightened and full of regret over a fight she couldn’t even remember a week later made his ire leave him completely.

 

There were awkward scenarios such as the time they went to cinema only to come across Finn and Call-Me-Poe snogging in the back of the theatre. Rey had blown their cover by dropping her popcorn in astonishement and Kylo would have enjoyed the look of speechlessness on Dameron’s face if he had been allowed to. But the look of dismay on Finn’s face made it apparent that he would be going without for a long time if he made any quips in front of Finn’s adopted sister.

 

Kylo was persuaded not to talk until that Christmas just see it looked like they were involved after Finn left college. Rey admitted that she’d had her suspicions for quite a while. Kylo admitted he honestly couldn’t care less so long as he wasn’t expected to have a double date with the feckless prick.

 

There was changes to his flat. Rey moved in gradually but definitively. The drawer he had allotted her became a cupboard, her toothbrush made its way over to stand next to his by the sink and he noticed he was finding more of her clothes lying around than his own. One day she told him she would be home by four and turned up at his door with take-out. After that, getting the rest of her stuff from Maz’s was a mere formality.

 

There were plants in his flat now. Cacti with Bodhi trees in pots. His bathroom windowsill soon became covered. He noticed that new pillows popped up. The magnets on the fridge were neatly arranged.

 

They went to L.A. every summer to visit his parents’ home. Leia embraced Rey like a daughter and Han taught her how to fish (Ben and his mother sat on deckchairs by the pond and read their books). They also went on mini-breaks to countryside cottages and city breaks. And sometimes they had a solitary day where they turned off their phones and enjoyed the peace of isolation.

 

 _The Awakening_ had been a bigger success than he had ever dreamed. He was asked to do interviews and do talks at conventions. People asked him to sign things. A sequel was in the making and was slowly taking shape. Kylo felt the pressure but thrived on it.

 

Rey was at every interview giving him the thumbs up. Rey brought snacks for every book signing. Rey made him cups of tea when he was on a work bender and couldn’t stop writing.

 

Kylo stepped back into the bedroom and checked, yet again, for the one thing he hadn’t packed in his holdall.

 

The ring was white gold with three diamonds sparkling whenever they caught the light. He’d been tempted to ring his mother to send his grandma Padme’s old ring but decided against it. He wanted to break with the old ways; he wanted this to be a fresh start for the Skywalker dynasty.

 

He wanted it all with her. He wanted the wedding. He wanted the marriage. He wanted to wake up to her as their hair turned grey and his hearing went south. He wanted tiny little children with black curly hair and hazel eyes to crawl beneath their duvet and wake them up by falling asleep on his head.

 

He couldn’t work out how to propose. All he knew was that he had to keep this on his person at all times encase the perfect moment came along and he was without a ring.

 

He’d wait.

 

She wasn’t the answer to all his problems but she was his rock in a stormy world. And the unknown didn’t scare him so much anymore. Kylo assumed that this is what you call personal growth.

 

“Kylo! Your tea!”

 

Popping the ring snugly back in his pocket, he went into the living room where lukewarm tea and a freckled face awaited him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Done. Wow, I actually finished. 
> 
> Thank you so so so so much to all my amazing readers for supporting me through the horrendous writers block and my moments of hitting the wall. You've all been so kind and it means so much to me. 
> 
> I want the ending to be one of hope and looking to the future but not tied up with a bow as life isn't like that.
> 
> Huge thanks to Jess444 who is always so supportive and helpful to me when I need to just chat shit. 
> 
> If you've read but never commented, please do so now. I really want to know the final verdict.
> 
> And to anyone suffering from what me and Kylo both suffer - it's gonna be okay. You may get sick and it will absolutely suck but it passes, you will get stronger and you can live the life you wish. The illness is a part of you but it is not all of you. Don't let it become all you are. 
> 
> Kisses!

**Author's Note:**

> What do you think? 
> 
> Kudos and comments are worth sixty portions.


End file.
